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Dating Again Newsletter Archive
Dating Again Newsletter #56, 1/4/07
Newsletter #55, 12/11/06
Newsletter #54, 11/1/06
Newsletter #53, 9/26/06
Newsletter #52, 8/8/06
Newsletter #51, 6/6/06
Newsletter #50, 4/14/06
Newsletter #49, 2/20/06
Newsletter #48, 1/10/06
Newsletter #47, 12/07/05
Newsletter #46, 11/15/05
Newsletter #45, 10/08/05
Newsletter #44, 9/5/05
Newsletter #43, 8/15/05
Newsletter #42, 07/25/05
Newsletter #41, 04/21/05
Newsletter #40, 12/29/04
Newsletter #39, 12/27/04
Newsletter #37, 11/14/04
Newsletter #36, 10/02/04
Newsletter #35, 9/18/04
Newsletter #34, 8/23/04
Newsletter #33, 7/27/04
Newsletter #32b, 6/21/04
Newsletter #32a, 5/31/04
Newsletter #31, 4/18/04
Newsletter #30, 3/24/04
Newsletter #29, 3/3/04
Newsletter #28, 2/10/04
Newsletter #27, 1/11/04
Newsletter #26, 12/21/03
Newsletter #25, 12/01/03
Newsletter #24, 11/15/03
Newsletter #23, 10/19/03
Newsletter #22, 10/11/03
Newsletter #21, 9/28/03
Newsletter #20A, 8/14/03
Newsletter #20, 7/29/03
Newsletter #19, 6/29/03
Newsletter #18, 6/09/03
Newsletter #17,
5/14/03
Newsletter #16, 5/03/03
Newsletter #15, 4/05/03
Newsletter #14,
3/11/03
Newsletter #13, 2/12/03
Newsletter #12, 1/26/03
Newsletter #11,
1/11/03
Newsletter #10, 12/28/02
Newsletter #9, 12/18/02
Newsletter #8,
8/17/02
Newsletter #7, 7/8/02
Newsletter #6, 6/17/02
Newsletter #5,
5/22/02
Newsletter #4, 5/09/02
Newsletter #3, 4/02/02
Newsletter #2,
3/06/02
Dating Again Newsletter #56 1/4/07
Happy Holidays! I have asked guest writer Lisa Daily to fill in this
month.
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January is National Breakup Month
By Lisa Daily
The holidays are over and just when you thought it was safe to put down
the eggnog, you might find yourself smack in the middle of one of those
"We Have To Talk" talks.
While November and December are generally unlikely months for breakups
(who wants to be the jerk who ruined Thanksgiving?), January is usually
the biggest month of all.
Why? For some, it feels like the first chance to make a clean break
after the holidays (and the last chance before Valentine's Day rolls
around.) And many men say they just don't want to be on the hook for
the required Valentine's Day gift/flower arrangement/romantic dinner for
a girl they're not really that crazy about. For others, the breakup is
part of the New Year's resolution value package that includes getting a
better job, losing the love handles, and embarking on a mission to find
true love.
How do you know if your sweetie is about to lower the boom? Check below
for some of the warning signs your relationship might be over soon.
6 Signs You Might Be Heading for a Breakup:
1. She's no longer interested in sex, or worse, she's recently learned
some new tricks
A dramatic change in sexual behavior can mean two things: Either your
sweetie is trying to avoid any situation where she might have to express
emotion or attachment to you, or she's getting it somewhere else. Old
dogs only learn new tricks if someone is teaching them.
2. This isn't about Toilet Paper! This is about Life!
If he's picking silly fights, or there's an unusual increase in
emotional distance, you've got bad news. If your guy or girl is picking
stupid fights all the time, they may be trying to get you to make the
first move.
3. He says, "I need some space" or "I think we should see other people."
By telling you he wants to see other people, he's not technically
breaking up with you (so no big crying scene to endure) but he's given
himself a way out. Of course, the second he gets a little distance,
he's going to make a run for it.
4. She gives you that little pat on the back.
Watch out for this one. A person who gives you a hug while patting you
on the back is indicating that they are uncomfortable with what they're
doing. The bigger the pat, the more discomfort they feel. Could be the
kiss in front of Aunt Mildred. Could be garlic breath. Could be you.
5. She buys a pre-paid cell phone or pager.
This is a really bad sign. Private investigators everywhere will tell
you the pager purchase is a sign of impending heartbreak. Sure, it
could be for work, but more likely, she's using it to get a head start
on her post-you life.
6. He used to be a blue jeans kind of guy, and suddenly he's obsessed
with Armani.
A person who is about to leave (or is cheating) will take greater care
with his or appearance - updating his wardrobe, losing weight, working
out and even changing cologne.
The good new is that if you make through to Valentine's Day, you're on
the road to a long-term relationship. And if you don't? Well, just
consider yourself lucky: you'll have lots of company. So, wipe away
those tears, update your profile, and start your own mission to find
true love. This could be your year.
© 2003-2006 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores
everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, Men's Health and the HITCH DVD
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
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Dating Again Newsletter #55 12/11/06
We have been overwhelmed with business needs that needed our attention.
So we have, guest writer Lisa Daily to fill in this month.
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How to Attract Women
By Lisa Daily
These days my email box is jammed full with letters from men asking for
advice on how to attract women. Being a woman myself, I'm a bit on the
fence as far as revealing the chick's club secret code, but as an
eternal optimist when it comes to love and relationships, I'll do
whatever I can to get everybody happily coupled up.
So guys, this month it's your turn. Below you'll find some a
combination of my favorite make-her-toes-curl moves, as well as some fun
tidbits from the thousands of women who write to me, telling me what
they look for in a guy.
Science first.
1. Take your positions for the mating dance.
Want to be the guy who gets noticed? Stand in the center of the
room. According to Dr. Albert Mehrabian, the author of several
books and nationally-known expert in the field of spacial psychology,
where you are in a room (and what you're doing) has a lot to do with
your ability to attract women. Where should you be for the
highest impact and the greatest number of interested cuties?
Smack-dab in the center of the room, standing up and moving around
a bit. (But don't pace a track on the carpet for goodness sake...)
2. Nice guys wear blue.
According to Color Consultant Leatrice Eiseman, Director of the
Pantone Color Institute and author of Colors For Your Every Mood,
women are attracted to men wearing the color blue. And why
wouldn't we be? According to Eiseman, guys who frequently
wear blue are "stable, faithful, constant and always there." The
blue guy is a fantastic candidate for a long-term relationship --
someone who's dependable, momogomous and can match his
own clothes.
Concerned your wardrobe is driving people away? Stay away
from what Eiseman calls "squished caterpillar yellow-green"
which is said to repel both sexes equally.
3. Be an Alpha male, or just look like one.
According to Body Language Expert Patti Wood, you shouldn't fold your
arms or chew on gum, ice or your fingernails. Wood says, chewing
indicates anxiety or frustration, neither of which are very attractive
emotions.
There's more. Women are biologically attracted to more dominant men, so
stand tall with your shoulders back. Feel free to take up some space.
Wood says appearing more dominant effectively draws female attention.
To attract women, stand with your feet 6-10 inches apart, and your toes
pointing outward.
For men who are victims of the "nice guy" badge, or who appear to be too
submissive to attract women, try taking your Y chromosome out for a
spin. According to spatial psychologist Albert Mehrabian, men should
"try wearing bulkier or more conservative hairstyles or clothing," hold
your head up, and speed up your speech and gestures to be more
assertive.
Make your move.
1) The eyes have it.
Once you've zeroed in on a target, lock eyes with her for a full five to
six seconds, then smile and drop your gaze. Don't stare a hole through
the girl's forehead for goodness sake, just give her a smoldering
come-hither look and look away. Do this at least three times in a ten
to fifteen-minute period. Why? Your target needs to know it's them
you're flirting with, and eye contact is a universal signal of openness.
Then, make your move. Walk up and start a conversation. Wait too long
and they'll likely lose interest.
2) Preen like a peacock.
We tend to preen or groom ourselves subconsciously when we're attracted
to someone, by smoothing down our hair or clothes, such as straightening
your tie. Try combining a grooming gesture with a smile and a gaze.
3) Monkey see, monkey do.
People mirror each other's body language when they are attracted with
similar gestures, voice volume, etc. Try subtly mimicking your flirting
target's behavior. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If he
scratches his head, you scratch your head. If you are mirroring
someone's behavior, they'll begin to feel as though the two of you are
connected and "in tune."
4) Go in for the kill.
Once you and your flirting target have started talking, use these tips
to deepen the attraction. First, smile and maintain eye contact as they
are speaking, and focus all of your attention on what they are saying.
There is rarely anyone more attractive than someone who finds you
utterly fascinating.
How to tell if a woman is flirting with you? Look for signs like
extended eye contact, low-level touching and laughing.
What the women want:
Finally, once you've made your move, there are a few more strategies you
should employ. According to my research and the hundreds of letters I
receive every week, what women really want is pretty simple:
1) If you want a woman's phone number, be a man and ask for it. Don't
pull that weenie-move of handing us your business card and expecting us
to make the first move.
2) Don't wait a week to call. We know you're playing it cool and it
irritates us. Two or three days is plenty of time to wait.
3) Don't wait until the last minute to ask for a date. Give us a chance
to look forward to it. (On the other hand, in the early stages of a new
relationship (first month) NEVER ask us for a date several months in
advance. Let 's make sure the relationship is something both parties
want to pursue before you get locked into plans you may not want to
keep.)
4) Never pressure a woman for sex. Really. Especially on the first
date.
5) Be a gentleman. That means paying for dinner, holding the door open,
and using your table manners. (Even if you can belch the theme from
Star Wars.)
6) Always offer your coat on a chilly night. (Yes, we know we should
bring our own, but we don't. Besides, there's something utterly
fabulous about cuddling up in your big man jacket.)
7) On top of that, be yourself. A really great guy.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is an internationally known dating coach and
the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. As seen in
Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and Glamour Magazine
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter with great dating advice on how to
snag the man of your dreams at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
(C) Copyright 2002-2006 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved.
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of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #54 11/01/06
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As you may know your newsletter editor has developed diabetes and has
been for 18 months researching and writing on the subject so have been
behind on other subject newsletters.
We have had guest newsletter writers fill in and it occurs to me my
daughter, Dr. Janet Jacobsen writes a good newsletter for our Country
Singles newspaper and has many subscribers that are basically interested
in the same information. That maybe I should send you a copy of her
current newsletter as a filler in. In addition you could see if you
might want to subscribe to her newsletter for free which arrives on a
more regular basis.
We will still send you my newsletter when we can. I will be out of the
country the month of November.
At the bottom of her newsletter attahed is information on how to
subscribe to Janets "Singles" newsletter.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
COUNTRY SINGLES NEWSLETTER 10-30-06 Issue 100
Copyright 2006
http://www.countrysingles.com
========================================================
I N T H I S I S S U E:
** How divorced parents can help their children in school
** Make it easy for him (or her) to ask you to dance
** National Singles News Briefs, including
-- Messiness reduces your chance for love
-- Retirement planning for singles
-- Signs the relationship is over
-- Set holiday priorities now!
-- Sexual issues for men
** Communication Skills for Today's Singles
========================================================
Sharing is good. Your “dues” for receiving this free online publication
are to pass it on to singles you know! Please FORWARD THIS ISSUE to
people who are looking for information on leading a successful single
life.
---------------------------------------
Strategies help divorced parents improve children's schoolwork
Divorced parents shouldn't force children to be the go-between
regarding school-related information. It places the child in an
inappropriate mediator role.
No matter how bitter the divorce, parents need to handle child-related
information in a mature way and keep each other informed. An article in
the "Arizona Republic" newspaper suggests ways for former spouses to
help their child with school:
1. Meet your child's teacher. Make the teacher aware of the family
situation.
2. Volunteer for school-related activities.
3. Be sure any emergency contact form includes information for both
parents.
4. If the school posts information on the Internet, check online
regularly.
5. If it's just too hard to talk to your ex, exchange a journal in
which school-related information is logged regularly.
6. Keep discussions focused on the child's needs, not on issues
between the parents.
7. The parent who receives school information, not the child, is
responsible for making and passing on copies to the other parent.
8. Both parents have a right to attend any and all school-related
activities.
9. New partners should not be present at school functions unless all
parties (including the child) are comfortable with that situation.
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Get timely tips on how to handle the mysteries of dating by signing up
for Harlan’s dating e-newsletter. Just send a blank e-mail to
dating_again-subscribe@topica.com. It’s informative and it’s free!
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DANCE, DANCE, DANCE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make it easy for him (or her) to ask you to dance
by Janet L. Jacobsen
Women should ask men to dance for two reasons:
1. You will suddenly appreciate what the fellows have been
through all these years, and
2. It gives you a lot more control over your time and fun.
However, if you're a woman who's not ready or willing to ask the guys,
and you want them to ask you, be aware that the least you can do is sit
where he can get to you. Actually, you're more likely to be asked to
dance if you stand or wander among the crowd.
But especially at a singles dance, if you must sit, be as close to the
dance floor as possible, first choice; as close to the main crowd of
standers as possible, second choice; and/or as close to the entrance as
possible, third choice.
This means, avoid sitting on the far side from the dance floor.
Supermen-with-nerves-of-steel aren't nearly as plentiful as you think.
Considering that he hasn't even met you yet, he may not be so sure
you're worth trekking across the wasteland of tables to get to,
especially when there are plenty of damsels more readily at hand.
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YOU CAN AVOID TYPICAL DATING MISTAKES!
“Dating Success - 45 Proven Pointers,” the new book by Dr. Janet
Jacobsen, gives you positive, practical, up-beat advice from a
recognized expert on single life. Tips on
How to use the personals
The best first dates
Male/female communication
AND
Handling romantic holidays!
To order “Dating Success -- 45 Proven Pointers,” send $10 (check or
money order; includes tax, shipping & handling).
Send to --
“Dating Success”
IE Publishing
Box 6243 Dept. E
Scottsdale AZ 85261-6243. Satisfaction Guaranteed!
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SINGLES NEWS BRIEFS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Messiness reduces your chance for love.
According to a study by "USA Weekend" magazine and the SC Johnson
Company, 34% of women and 44% of men say they couldn't love a slob.
Retirement planning for singles.
A recent issue of "Consumer Reports" noted special concerns for singles
approaching retirement. Disability insurance may be more important for
singles than marrieds, since we have only our own earnings to depend on.
Long-term care insurance should be considered, especially if you don't
have family or friends nearby to assist you. Set up an executor for
your estate and be sure they know where you keep your financial records
and names of relatives and attorneys.
Signs the relationship is over.
The "Dallas Morning News" offers the following subtle clues that your
current romance may be over: 1. You don't care. The prospect of
seeing them/talking with them doesn't have particular appeal. 2. She's
not mad anymore. Things you do that bother her don't get a reaction any
more. 3. "I never really liked her anyway." You're looking for
reasons to end it. 4. You let it all hang out. You don't feel the
need to look good/clean up for them any more. 5. You discover you're
dating the most annoying person in the world.
Set holiday priorities now.
To have a more relaxed holiday season, decide ahead of time what your
priorities will be for meeting the extra demands on your time, including
shopping, decorating, community service, and attending holiday events.
With a realistic schedule to work from, you can make better decisions
about what to remove from your list if other more attractive or
important options come along.
Inviting guests for dinner.
According to USA Today, 6% of American adults entertain dinner guests
once a week, 12% more than once a month, 21% once a month, 37% a few
times a year, and 24% rarely or never.
Sexual issues for men.
Men are becoming more in touch with and willing to talk about their
sexuality, according to an article in the Minneapolis "Star Tribune."
This is in response to several factors: Women are more vocal about
their own sexuality. Antidepressants, alcohol, smoking, lack of
exercise, and overextended schedules can negatively effect sexual
function. And widespread advertising of drugs such as Viagra has made
men's sexual issues a more socially acceptable topic.
Tips on saying "No."
Many people have a hard time saying no, reports an article in the
Contra Costa (Calif.) "Times." Some techniques to help you be more
assertive: If faced with a request, ask for time to think it over. You
can be sympathetic to the other person's needs without having to say
yes. When no is your honest response, remember that honesty is good.
Start your answer with the word "no." Reinforce what you say
nonverbally -- use a firm voice, shake your head no.
Addicted to working out?
"Fitness" magazine says you may have an unhealthy addiction to
experience if after a workout you immediately start planning the next
one, other areas of your life suffer because your exercise schedule
comes first, you spend hours a day at the gym, or your family or friends
show concern about how much you exercise.
Quotable.
"Allowing an unimportant mistake to pass without comment is a wonderful
social grace." Judith Martin, "Miss Manners" columnist.
-------------------------------------
HELP FOR THE NEWLY SINGLE! Our singles' Internet information is
maintained solely to help newly divorced and widowed people. Newly
singled people find out about it and get help only if readers like YOU
tell them about the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a
support group, class, seminar, singles event etc. please do both us and
them a favor by recommending and telling them about these sites,
newsletters, and courses. Remember, these services are all totally FREE.
-------------------------------------
Communication Skills for Today's Singles
The best of times -- and worst of times -- for keeping in touch
by Janet L. Jacobsen
The ways that we keep in touch with each other continue to expand. Ten
years ago hardly anyone was using e-mail. Today some people conduct
what they consider to be romantic relationships, entirely by e-mail.
The ability to write good letters was once a crucial social skill. To
be successful, letters have to have interesting and appropriate content,
plus good grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. People saved letters;
when couples broke off a romance, it wasn't unheard of for the partners
to demand their letters back.
The telephone didn't eliminate letters, but it made them less dominant.
Important information continued to come by mail: love letters, wedding
announcements, sympathy cards.
The telephone became the instrument for local "news" but because long
distance calls were expensive, they were limited to special events (like
Mother's Day) and serious news, good or bad.
Today long-distance calls are much less expensive (within the country
at least) and "phone" conversations can even be conducted over the
Internet.
Telephone conversations have been further complicated by the answering
machine. Not only do you need to be able to converse successfully with
a person you can't see, you also need to be able to leave a useful and
understandable telephone message.
And now we have text messaging and on-line "chat," which combine
features of both the phone and e-mail.
Often for people these days, e-mail is their most typical communication
method; they interact with many more people in a day by e-mail than they
do by any other method, even face-to-face. And their "social circle"
may include people they have never met nor even talked to on the phone.
So many ways to err
So today we have many more ways that we can connect with people, but
what makes you skillful at one method does not necessarily work well in
other methods.
Plus, each technology has its own opportunities for glitches. Letters
may be misaddressed or simply lost. Phone messages can be garbled.
E-mails have a new set of potential problems, according to a recent
article by Barrie Dolnick on msn.com.
1. Harsh messages can be sent in an angry moment, or even
accidentally.
2. Wrong addresses can be clicked, with messages going to someone
other than their intended receiver.
3. Forwarded messages may include an earlier thread that shouldn't be
seen by the new recipient.
4. You may include the person in a mass e-mailing of something you
find humorous or entertaining, but that they find off-color, vulgar or
otherwise inappropriate (e.g., politics or religion).
To reduce the possibility for these problems --
* Draft messages in your word processing program and not in your e-mail
account, where they might be sent out accidentally.
* Hold negative (angry, hurt) messages at least over-night.
* If you are unsure whether a message is appropriate to send, don't
send it. Remember, you can't "take it back."
* Don't multi-task while addressing and sending e-mail. Give your full
attention to what you are sending, and to whom.
Who's "real"?
It's not uncommon for people to meet online, get acquainted through
e-mails, be very interested in the each other, but then discover that on
the phone, or in person, the same chemistry just isn't there.
Research is still out on why that is but some early studies suggest
that we "fill in the blanks" when we interact in channels that have
scarce information. We attribute qualities such as self-confidence and
personal style, which may or may not actually be there.
Then when we connect on a new channel (moving from e-mail to phone or
to face-to-face) we find that the reality doesn't match our picture.
And generally that's disappointing because we've been painting such a
positive image.
Ironically, we might have liked the person as they are if we had met
them face-to-face first, but when the actuality is disappointing
compared to what we expected, it can be extremely difficult to unlearn
our image of that person and get to know them all over again.
Who's who?
"Meeting" through multiple channels can make it difficult to keep track
of what information goes with who. This is especially true if you are
currently getting to know several different people through the
personals, printed or online.
Even though the other person is quite likely getting to know lots of
new people too, they just don't take it well when you tell them they are
interesting and special, and then forget that they have four kids.
This may be one reason the "online only" relationships can go so
smoothly -- there's plenty of opportunity to review and reword.
If you're in a phase of meeting lots of new people, especially if you
are meeting many of them on-line, you'll need some sort of system to
keep track of who is who, what you know about them, and maybe even what
they know about you. "Oh I'm sure I mentioned I have eight cats.
Didn't I?"
Frankly, keeping some notes is also useful in the early stages of
getting to know people because it can alert you if the person's story is
changing. If you're sure they said they went to Harvard, and you find
they didn't, you might not trust your memory. But a notebook entry with
the date and place where you had that conversation will certainly give
you cause to be suspicious.
While today we have what seems to be an ever-increasing abundance of
ways to communicate, we are not necessarily mastering them with equal
success.
-------------------------------------
For help in adjusting to and even enjoying single life, visit our
website at http://divorcerecovery101.com.
---------------------------------------
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Dating Again Newsletter #53 9/26/06
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In writing for our Singles Newspapers and web sites I have always tried
to write about what I have experienced personally so I know what I am
talking about first hand. Since I have been in a long term relationship
for years now, I have not personally experienced dating on the web.
However, I have a lot of web sites and a lot of web experience and have
strongly suggested every single get and post their own web site which
they can do for free as sort of a personal ad information source for
people that may be interested in getting to know you better.
This newsletter has been used to explain that concept several times. If
any of you have questions about this please write me at Harlanjacobsen@webtv.net I am sure others may have the same question
or hang up in getting it done so write and I will then post a response
for all.
Also I have suggested getting business cards as a great tool in meeting
people.
It is hard to build anything without tools and I consider business cards
and a web site the hammer and saw of building relationships.
Meeting people on the web is the fast way to go and having a web site
you can refer people you meet in chat discussions on the web, (or
anywhere), by simply including your web page address in the signature is
a great way to help automatically sort out who is interested in getting
to know you further and who is not.
Since I can not write from personal experience on meeting people online,
here is a web site that seems to have a lot of good information on the
subject so I send you there.
http://www.quickoverview.com/overviews/online-dating-howto.html
If you are moving right along you might be reminded we also have a web
site called http://sexagain101.com and you might take a look thru there
if you are ready for that.
If you just want to talk over all about your experience as a single in
dating again etc you might want to join in conversations on our http://singlestalkshop.com
If your ex is still a problem, you might want to review whats going on
in your life with information at http://divorcerecovery101.com our long
term most popular web site.
We have no advertising budget and count on you sending your friends to
our web sites and might even help both of us if you send them a copy of
this newsletter. One of these links should be helpful, no matter what
stage they are in.
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Dating Again Newsletter #52, 8/8/06
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This Dating Again 101 newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe.
To subscribe or unsubscribe, see below.
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They say the new student in college dorms, is the loneliest category.
You are likely somewhere between that and the second loneliest, the
nursing home.
It does not matter if you live in crowded city and/or spread-out
suburbs or even on an isolated ranch in Wyoming.
Those suddenly single, find it compounded, they have not only lost their
best friend, they have lost a network of married friends.
It seems very ironic, that this time in your life, when you really need
a network of friends in trying times, they all literally evaporate.
With today's mobile society, remaining friends, (or you) often "move
away".
The average person in US now makes a major move every seven years.
Often newly divorced decide to move away from what was painful memories.
The single person, rather newly singled or long term, all confront this
ailment of loneliness with no single cause or cure.
It becomes a form of social isolation or disconnectedness. The best
description is it's just plain loneliness.
As you age you try various measures --
What used to work, no longer seems to.
Recent census figures show large increases in one-person households, and
many studies show that the majority of Americans, not just singles, have
a shrinking circle of intimate friends --
Isolation is worsening.
So you are not alone, you are just part of a trend.
The population has grown to the 300 million mark.
We have more ways then ever to be more connected -- by phone, e-mail,
instant message, text message, and on and on.
Yet, you can be very lonely in the huge crowd.
Developing a network of friends and real intimacy all takes a lot of
time in a day where people are increasingly busy.
It is natural for us to seek and hope to maintain a real intimacy with
another person.
You need to realize singles are getting reconnected in organized groups,
developing a whole network of single friends and then from that expand
it to the one-on-one.
All to overcome a loneliness phenomenon that can take a heavy toll on
newly single individuals.
Loneliness itself is considered a serious, even life-threatening
condition, that increases the risks of heart disease and depression
connected ailments.
A sense of isolation can strike at almost any age, no matter where you
live.
Divorcees unable to rebuild a social life, often have it compounded by
their children growing up and moving away.
This is called the empty nest syndrome.
Their whole life was revolving around their children and now they have
moved on and are so busy they rarely contact you.
The latest U.S. census figures, which show that now one-fourth of the
nation's 27.2 million households consist of just one person, this
compares with 10 percent in 1950. This is a huge jump.
A study shows 10 percent in 1985 said they had no friend confidant, and
that has climbed now to nearly 25 percent in figures from 2004;
Just 19 percent have said they had only one confidant -- often their
marriage partner that the newly singled have lost.
It matters not whether you lost an all important relationship by death
or divorce.
You no longer have no one to support you.
This is compounded now by an increase in working/commuting hours.
Many have switched to the Internet to stay in touch with other people.
This as a substitute for the need for what was normal face-to-face
contacts.
"We e-mail each other as a substitute for phone calling or getting
together for coffee etc., with a meeting.
There can be a sense of that you may seem still connected but it is not
the same.
Many newly singled are fully aware of these changes, and know what they
see and feel, and search for remedies.
Many are counting on us for solutions and we are trying to provide an
answer.
Mid-life newly singled adults, especially those 35 to 60 --have found
they fit in few places of social get togethers and find they no longer
have a sense that they are part of any particular community.
They have a sense they no longer seem to fit and really no longer have a
place to go where they can comfortably share their "hopes and dreams."
What we have tried to provide with our Dating Again web site is not only
a place to learn to get back up to speed on one to one relationships,
but how to build a whole network of single friends and what we identify
separately as a singles family.
Many think they can dump all of their social needs on to the one
"special someone" they are going to meet.
When they do meet them, they are so needy, the new person resigns the
job of trying to fill all those needs or is scared off so fast they
never get close.
This newsletter is to help you realize that this changing world requires
changes in how you live your life. What used to work no longer cuts if.
Our web site http://www.datingagain101.com resources and articles there
and this newsletter, can be a part of figuring out changes to make to
where your new life "works".
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Try our on line community, http://www.singlestalkshop.com discuss with
others in the same boat...what works, what does not work and what to
avoid.
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Dating Again Newsletter #51, 6/6/06
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Harlan has been busy researching and writing on (a newspaper and a
website) on the "finding of a cure" for his own and 20 Million others
that have Diabetes, that leads to degeneration, disability and death. If
you have or know of someone who has Diabetes check out his web site in
construction at http://www.diabetescure101.com
Lisa Daily has volunteered to fill in on writing this months Dating
Again newsletter.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Why Good Girls Love Bad Boys.
By Lisa Daily
We've all done it at one time or another. We whine to our friends about
the lack of nice available guys, and then, when given the choice between
a nice, sweet (safe) guy and a bad boy who makes our toes curl, we
invariably go for the toe-curler. The heartbreak-waiting-to-happen. The
bad boy.
Doesn't make any sense, does it?
I recently received a letter from a sweet guy who wrote,
"I've been looking for some insights to what women are looking for,
because from my perspective, they often go for that which they complain
about most!
Got any advice for us men?"
Baby, you hit the nail right on the head.
There's good news and bad news for all you nice guys out there. Your day
will come. It just may not be today.
Nearly all women go through some period in their lives when they're
swept up by a bad boy. The Navy Seal with the amazing bod and the mental
prowess of a fruit plate. The Harley guy with mean beard stubble and an
attitude to match. The Josh Hartnett look-alike who makes us feel like
the center of the universe, and then puts the moves on our roommate the
minute we leave for the ladies room. We can see these guys coming a mile
away, and yet we fall for it every time.
Why?
Part of us actually like to believe we can be the one girl to turn this
wild man into a pussycat. Part of us just like that down-to-our-toes
thrill, the excitement of something we KNOW is bad for us. (Like
chocolate cheesecake, and Jimmy Choo shoes.) Part of us are just
gluttons for misery.
Most women actually grow out of the bad-boy phase once we hit our mid
twenties. Our girlfriends start to couple off, and we start wondering if
we used up our nice guy quota in college when were still torturing men
for sport. That's where you come in, Mr. Sweet Guy. Because you're the
guy we really want.
Here's my advice for all the nice guys:
Remember what we were wearing on our first date. Give romantic gifts on
birthdays and anniversaries (and remember flower-mandatory holidays such
as Valentine's Day.) Get what we're all about. Let us know what you're
all about. Kill any bugs that sneak into the kitchen. Give us your coat
when it gets chilly outside. And remember there's a fine line between
being a nice guy and being a doormat -don't take any crap from us. After
all, you don't want to be a good boy in love with a bad girl.
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is an internationally known dating coach and
the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. As seen in
Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and Glamour Magazine
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter with great dating advice on how to
snag the man of your dreams at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
(C) Copyright 2002-2006 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved.
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Dating Again Newsletter #50, 4/14/06
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Yes, we are behind on Dating newsletters, we have been overwhelmed with
business needs that needed attention so here is a guest written
newsletter to fill in.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dream Girl Dating Strategies:
Use Feng Shui to Kick Start Your Love Life!
By Lisa Daily
Can rearranging your furniture really help you to find and keep "The
One?" Can storing your underwear in the Tupperware drawer really heat up
your love life?
Well, the jury's still out on that one - But hey, it can't hurt, right?
According to Feng Shui (say FUNG SCHWAY) experts, little changes can
make a big difference where romance is concerned.
An ancient Chinese practice, "Feng Shui is purposefully arranging your
stuff around you to gain positive results," says Karen Rauch Carter,
author of "Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life."
So, what can you do to get your love life on track fast? Add a little
Feng Shui to the "relationship area" of your home. As you enter through
your front door, the relationship section is located at the farthest
right hand corner at the back side of your home.
According to Feng Shui practitioners, specific items in your
relationship corner can spice things up considerably - whether you're
already in a relationship, or a single looking for love.
Add these items to perk up your love life:
1) Anything red and pink -- Sure, it makes for a decorating challenge,
but these colors represent love. You can't go too crazy with red and
pink here.
2) Candles -- They create heat, they're romantic, what more could you
want? For extra vaa-vaa-voom, try two pink or red candles sitting side
by side. (One for each of you.)
3) Round mirrors -- This has to do with a more complicated idea of
reflecting energy, but all mirrors are good here, and round mirrors are
best.
4) Whatever symbols signify love to you -- Anything goes, and it goes
here. Flowers, cupids, romantic photos of the two of you together,
hearts, bride and groom cake toppers, candy hearts, chocolate or a
Barbie Doll in full bridal paraphernalia.
If it means romance to you, put it here.
As you might expect, there are also a number of things that can put a
Feng Shui damper on your love life as well.
Try to avoid putting these items in your relationship corner:
1) Negative images -- This is not the place to store that shoebox with
old photos of your exes, or any other negative images from bad weather
to bad times.
2) Anything that encourages distance -- Put the cactus and your ceramic
porcupine collection somewhere else. They're not helping.
3) Anything with a chill factor -- If it's cold, it's bad news. Move the
refrigerator and the poster of the polar bear unless you want your
relationship to cool too.
4) Singles only -- Avoid photos of yourself alone here, your one-slice
toaster and that picture of you as the lone, uncoupled bridesmaid at
your cousin Bertha's wedding. Single-girl (or single boy) reminders have
got to go.
5) Games -- If you want to avoid games in your relationship, you've got
to avoid them here.
6) Distractions - Something coming between you and your one-and-only?
Maybe it's the big screen TV or your decoupage supplies. Put 'em
somewhere else.
Try these simple techniques to add a little (or a lot) of toe-curling
romance to your life. You'll never know how good it can be unless you're
willing to give it a shot.
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is an internationally known dating coach and
the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry
“The One” in 3 years or less. As seen in Cosmopolitan, The Washington
Post and Glamour Magazine Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter with great
dating advice on how to snag the man of your dreams at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
(C) Copyright 2002-2006 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved
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Dating Again Newsletter #49, 2/20/06
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Business Cards. Your Most Important Dating Tool, Do Em Yourself
** Here is a sample of what your "Do It Yourself Dating Business Cards"
will look like: http://www.datingagain101.com/datingbusinesscards.htm
<><><><><><><><><><><><<><><><>
Since you get this newsletter we assume you have some connection with a
pc, but if not up to speed get a friend or relative (or one of your kids) to whip these out for you. These are full color (we assume you
have a color printer) and take a little time here to do some great cards, Be sure and put your picture on the card so they can learn to
associate the name with the face.
This is how you get on many peoples "singles friend" awareness list. As
they find it easy to get to know you. When they can remember you by name next time they see you, you are half way there.
When you meet someone and have a little conversation for example and you are leaving, hand them your card and say maybe we can talk some more,
give me a ring or e-mail. Also be sure you have a web site, (read previous newsletters on its importance) and list your web site page on
your card.
Also your e-mail address and even an IM address as well as your phone
number and cell number etc. In short, be easy to contact.
Now all about making personalized business cards.
Download a program called Visual Business cards
http://www.rkssoftware.com/visualbusinesscards/overview.html
What you can do right now is download the 30 day FREE version of the
software.......
If you like it and want to continue to use it will have to pay for the
real version if you want to keep using it but to test to see how it
works....you can do it for free right now.
Once you download the software:
Step One: I go to any office supply store and buy Avery Glossy Clean
Edge Business cards (inkjet #8879)
Step Two: Once software is downloaded, its going to ask you to start
new card or start with blank card....choose "blank card"
Step Three: It's going to ask you what type of business
card...choose "normal" and then go to Avery Business Card #8879 Clean
Edge Ink Jet
Step Four: A big white square space resembling a business card is
going to pop up. If you look on your right side of the card, you will
see tools needed to create the card. Normally start with the 10th symbol
down which will place the photos on your card you just place up to four
photos. The images will auto resize themselves so you don't have to
worry about sizing issues
Step Five: Now once you finish adding the photos, go back to the
tool bar and go down to the third symbol ( which has a T on it) and just
place some basic information and your phone number.
Print it all out ...and there you have it. Takes about 30 minutes when
you first try it...but its VERY easy after that.
Take my word for it, these cards will get you more things going then
just about anything else you can do. To get out in the dating world and
not have a card to give out when you have opportunity to let some one
know you are interested is a severe handicap.
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Dating Again
Newsletter #48, 1/10/06
This Dating Again 101 Newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To
subscribe or unsubscribe please see below.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Harlan has been busy researching and writing on (a newspaper and a web
site) on the "finding of a cure" for his own and 20 Million others that
have Diabetes, that leads to degeneration, disability and death. If you
have or know of someone who has Diabetes check out his web site in
construction at http://www.diabetescure101.com
Lisa Daily has volunteered to fill in on writing this months Dating
Again newsletter.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
January is National Breakup Month
By Lisa Daily
The holidays are over and just when you thought it was safe to put down
the eggnog, you might find yourself smack in the middle of one of those
"We Have To Talk" talks.
While November and December are generally unlikely months for breakups
(who wants to be the jerk who ruined Thanksgiving?), January is usually
the biggest month of all.
Why? For some, it feels like the first chance to make a clean break
after the holidays (and the last chance before Valentine's Day rolls
around.) And many men say they just don't want to be on the hook for the
required Valentine's Day gift/flower arrangement/romantic dinner for a
girl they're not really that crazy about.
For others, the breakup is part of the New Year's resolution value
package that includes getting a better job, losing the love handles, and
embarking on a mission to find true love.
How do you know if your sweetie is about to lower the boom? Check below
for some of the warning signs your relationship might be over soon.
6 Signs You Might Be Heading for a Breakup:
1. She's no longer interested in sex, or worse, she's recently learned
some new tricks
A dramatic change in sexual behavior can mean two things: Either your
sweetie is trying to avoid any situation where she might have to express
emotion or attachment to you, or she's getting it somewhere else. Old
dogs only learn new tricks if someone is teaching them.
2. This isn't about Toilet Paper! This is about Life!
If he's picking silly fights, or there's an unusual increase in
emotional distance, you've got bad news. If your guy or girl is picking
stupid fights all the time, they may be trying to get you to make the
first move.
3. He says, "I need some space" or "I think we should see other people."
By telling you he wants to see other people, he's not technically
breaking up with you (so no big crying scene to endure) but he's given
himself a way out. Of course, the second he gets a little distance, he's
going to make a run for it.
4. She gives you that little pat on the back.
Watch out for this one. A person who gives you a hug while patting you
on the back is indicating that they are uncomfortable with what they're
doing. The bigger the pat, the more discomfort they feel. Could be the
kiss in front of Aunt Mildred. Could be garlic breath. Could be you.
5. She buys a pre-paid cell phone or pager.
This is a really bad sign. Private investigators everywhere will tell
you the pager purchase is a sign of impending heartbreak. Sure, it could
be for work, but more likely, she's using it to get a head start on her
post-you life.
6. He used to be a blue jeans kind of guy, and suddenly he's obsessed
with Armani.
A person who is about to leave (or is cheating) will take greater care
with his or appearance - updating his wardrobe, losing weight, working
out and even changing cologne.
The good news is that if you make through to Valentine's Day, you're on
the road to a long-term relationship. And if you don't? Well, just
consider yourself lucky: you'll have lots of company.
So, wipe away those tears, update your profile, and start your own
mission to find true love. This could be your year.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is an internationally known dating coach and
the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. As seen in
Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and Glamour Magazine
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter with great dating advice on how to
snag the man of your dreams at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
(C) Copyright 2002-2006 by Lisa Daily. All Rights Reserved
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
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Dating Again
Newsletter #47, 12/07/05
Harlan Jacobsen, publisher has asked guest author, Lisa Daily, to fill
in for him this month.
**********************************************************************
Lisa Daily, Dream Girl and author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you
and marry 'The One' in 3 years or less.
"This chick really knows what she's talking about!"
--Howard Stern
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, Mens Health and HITCH: On THe Set
Available at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com and bookstores everywhere
**********************************************************************
Holi-dating:
A Thanksgiving to New Years' Dating Survival Guide
By Lisa Daily
Stuck in the Snow
Yes, it's that time of year again. Thanksgiving kicks off the annual
relationship freeze which lasts through the New Year. Much like
government wage freezes that leave DMV workers and other civil servants
with salaries stuck in 1973, the annual dating freeze cements you for
three months in whatever relationship situation you happen to be in on
November 15. Singles and couples everywhere can feel mid-November
bearing down on them like tax day.
What does it mean? Well, if you're single and dateless, it means you're
probably going it alone for the next few months. Sure, you'll have to
endure 7 or 8 hours of pitying glances and "So, are you seeing anyone?"
at the holiday gathering, but at least it's less agonizing than your
Aunt Leona grilling you in front of grandpa about your sex life, or the
new hottie you met on the Internet last week.
And if you're in a less-than-fab relationship, well, you're pretty much
stuck until the holidays are over. There will be office parties and
family gatherings to attend, and somehow your plans will propel you
frenetically through the season like a goldfish down the toilet bowl. If
you start to feel like you're not going to be able to go the distance,
reality will whack you on the head and you'll realize you don't really
want to be known as the heartless jerk who ruined Christmas. Just the
image of your current steady blubbering into the yams is enough to make
anybody hunker down and endure a few more weeks as a couple (however
unpleasant they might be.) Fortunately, before you know it, the
whirlwind will die down and you'll be whooshed smack-dab into the middle
of January.
If it's the thought that counts, what the hell were you thinking?
Assuming you're in a relationship, even a new one, some sort of gift
exchange is generally expected. With a budding romance, however, things
are a bit more complicated, especially for women.
Men are generally terrified of holiday-induced coupledom and freak out
at any sign the woman is trying to use the holiday freeze as a chance to
create permanent status. So, how do you pick a gift that says "I like
you and I'm thoughtful" without sending the message "I know we just met
last week, but I've already started sneaking tampons into your medicine
cabinet"? The key here is to give your guy a gift that would be suitable
to give your boss. Think music, (no John Tesh, please,) sports stuff,
(NOT his-and-her memberships to a gym,) or a new tie. Whatever you do,
don't give your guy part one of a set of ANYTHING. Otherwise, you might
not be around to see his birthday/your two-month anniversary/groundhog
day. Worse still, you might wind up stuck with parts 2-7 of whatever you
had in mind for your sadly transparent romantic installment plan.
Say you're in a long-term relationship, and you're just biding your time
until January. Well, there's nothing that says, "I can't wait to dump
you" like a crappy or impersonal gift. Women who are in it 'till January
will generally try to fake it and will give a gift that is not overly
personal, but also not a clear indication of relationship doom. Men,
however, frequently become affected by short-timer's disease and end up
giving reasonably-priced, gift-wrapped-in-the-shopping-bag,
white-elephant-esque gifts that have been purchased at either the
electronics store, or worse, the Gas-N-Go three blocks from your
apartment.
A terrible gift has long been a sign of impending breakup. I've heard
dozens of stories of three and four year relationships that ended
bluntly following a bizarrely bad gift exchange. It wasn't the gift that
ended the relationship, it was merely a sign of things to come.
Of course, a bad gift doesn't always have to mean your paramour is
planning to dump you like last week's spaghetti once January hits. It
could just mean that your sweetie is madly in love with you, but has
really horrific taste -- and you can look forward to many, many years of
individually-wrapped-in-cellophane roses, radio-controlled cars,
sausage-of-the-month clubs and green plastic phones.
Hang in there kids, the thaw is coming soon.
**********************************************************
You have permission to publish "Holidating" electronically or in print,
free of charge, as long as the piece is unedited and the bylines and
website at the end of the article are included.
(C) Copyright 2003-2006, by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
***********************************************************
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores
everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and Hitch: On the Set
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
------------------------------------------------------------------
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Dating Again
Newsletter #46, 11/15/05
This newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To subscribe or
unsubscribe see below.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Here is our November Newsletter about encouraging you to do your own
website. Easy and fun to do, you will find it a big aid to successful
dating that works.
Have always wanted to find the time to explain how to do a personal
webpage but never get the time so will just tell you how to figure it
out on your own.
Now, about every six months I bring this up because I think you are
really missing the boat if you do not do it.
You have many new ways of meeting people and with a web site it makes it
easy for them to get acquainted about you
with little effort on your part.
The statistical odds we usually bring up are that you have to meet about
500 people to find one that is a good match for you.
Obviously this is going to take some time but you can essentially
automate about 2/3 of this if you have a web site of your own all about
you.
If you have a personal ad in a publication or on some web dating site
you tell them a little about you. A web page tells all about you. The
personal ad can even refer them to your web site.
You sort of put your life up there and it is your personality that comes
thru.
People that are not interested in who you really are do not waste your
time.
So the more real you on your site the better. No pretend, just the real
you.
If you meet someone at the grocery and have a conversation about "how to
tell which is a good watermelon". Say it was nice talking to you, hand
them your business card (you made on your computer) that has your web
address as well as phone number. Say, look me up on the web, maybe we
can talk some more.
Have a conversation on chat on the web with someone interesting...?
Give them your web address with a get back to me.
Response on a dating site referred to your web site is far better then
have to go thru all this for each person. Just send them to your web
site and they get to know you far better then a zillion chats back and
forth.
Maybe someone you were interested in is tied up in a relationship right
now, but thinks you are something special and knows someone that would
be just your type. Have that person send them to your web site and
contact you.
Now about making your web site and cost. Geocities and others will
provide a web site for you for free but stick an ad on it. Geocities is
part of Yahoo.
Usually, your internet provider will provide one web site for free with
your subscription. Ask them.
With Geocities, you do not need a paid for web address. You get a
unique address but not of your choosing.
Your internet provider may require your own URL web listing. This
usually costs around ten to $15 a year. Sometimes you can even get
"your name.com". Who every you post with will supply you the
information.
Also most will show or send you to a page that shows you how to do it.
Usually you can learn to make a simple page in an hour or two. Then
expand it over time as you learn more. You will find it fun.
More about this http://www.datingagain101.com/personalpages.html
The personal pages at the bottom are old and may be defunct, here is one
that works. If you are an aol subscriber this is the type of address
you get. http://members.aol.com/chelsearose100/
Here is the latest on email being obsolete. http://www.datingagain101.com/personalpages.html
Here is a personal page that according to her counter has had over 60
thousand visitors. http://www.orchidlady.com/linda.html
Here is one from a guy who has had 40 thousand visitors. http://www.skirtman.org/
You can find many examples for ideas.
Short cut...If you want to know what yours will look like ahead of time.
If you find one you like the layout you can copy "source code" and just
change the words, colors and pictures. etc. Do not feel guilty...You
would be flattered if someone copies your page lay out.
Regards,
Harlan Jacobsen
605 376-4125 Cell phone
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Dating Again
Newsletter #45, 10/08/05
Harlan Jacobsen, publisher has asked guest author, Lisa Daily, to fill
in for him this month because of time constraints of a new major web
site under construction and a new newspaper out in November.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Relationship Quiz: How to Tell If He's Really Interested
By Lisa Daily
How can you tell if that guy you've been dating is actually falling for
you or just fooling around? Six simple questions will tell you all you
need to know.
1) When does he usually call you for a Saturday night date?
a) Two weeks in advance
b) Usually by Wednesday or Thursday
c) The day before
d) 10 minutes before he shows up
2) How often does he call you during the week?
a) Twice a day
b) 3-7 Times a week
c) Once a week
d) 10 minutes before he shows up
3) How often do you see each other?
a) Every day
b) Two or three times a week
c) Two or three times a month
d) Once a month or less
4) How often do you call him during the week?
a) Huh?
b) I never call him, or I return his calls occasionally
c) I call him a couple times a week
d) I call him every day
5) If you stopped doing all of the work in the relationship, (asking him
out, calling him, etc.) how would it affect the relationship?
a) I have no idea
b) It wouldn't change a bit - he's doing most of the pursuing.
c) It would slow down considerably - I'd probably see him half as much.
d) Goodbye relationship, hello Häagen Dazs. He doesn't do much pursuing,
so if I stopped calling and making dates, I'd probably would never see
him again.
6) When he asks you out on a date, who pays?
a) He always pays
b) He usually pays, but I offer sometimes
c) We usually split the check
d) I usually pay for the date
How to Score:
Mostly As - This guy is either head over heels in love, or it's early in
the relationship and you haven't had sex yet. Maybe both. While the
eight-calls-a-day intensity is romantic at first, it can also wear you
both out, and cause the relationship to prematurely crash and burn. Try
taking a breather every once and a while to hang out with friends and do
your own thing. You'll both appreciate the break, and trust me, absence
really does make the heart grow fonder. While it's tempting to isolate
yourselves in a love-cocoon, it can be damaging to the relationship
long-term.
Mostly Bs - This relationship is right on track. By calling you
regularly and pursuing the relationship, he's letting you know that he's
definitely into you. Why? A man who is interested will continually work
to progress the relationship. In other words, if he's pursuing you, he's
interested. The key to success here is to stay on track. If the
relationship hits a slow point, don't freak out and start pursuing him
or you'll break the dynamic that is currently working so well. Stay
relaxed and confident, and the relationship
is sure to pick up speed again.
Mostly Cs - He's great on a date, and then you don't hear from him for
weeks. His cell phone rings constantly during dinner, but you can't
reach him for days. This guy probably enjoys your company, but something
isn't right. He's either distracted by another relationship, work,
friends, or all of the above. For some reason, he's happy to let things
slide. To bring him on board, you need to stop making things so easy for
him. If you don't hear from him by mid-week, make other plans (and don't
break them.) Don't make yourself so available for him, stop calling him
for a while, and see if he picks up the slack. He'll either step up his
game, and put in the necessary
effort, or he'll let you know for certain that he's not the guy for you.
Mostly Ds - I hate to break it to you darling, but this guy is
exhibiting all the signs of someone who's just hanging around for the
sex and free food. If you stop chasing after him, it's highly likely
he'll just vaporize into thin air. Why? He's making it clear by his
actions (not calling you, only calling you at the last minute) that he's
waiting for something (anything!) better. (But hey, a you and a plate of
fries will do if nothing more exciting comes along.) Don't fret. It's
probably not you. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you're the greatest
girl in the world, you're just not the girl for him. Don't waste your
time on someone who doesn't want you. Spend it with someone who does.
The more time you waste on Mr. Right Now, the longer it will take you to
find Mr. Right. Move on!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is an internationally known dating coach and
the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry
"The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and Glamour Magazine
Get Lisa's FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of dating advice and
man-snagging techniques at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
© 2005 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
M O R E
We talk about your new life at length in our articles and archives at
our web sites.
Try http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and many others you will find
linked there.
You will also find "questions and answers" on Divorce 101 lower right
column link, and throw in your questions and concerns and you will get a
fast response.
Also try our http://www.singlestalkshop.com where singles chat about
single life.
Subscribe to our Free Divorce Recovery Newsletter, by sending a blank
email to: divorce_recovery-subscribe@topica.com
Subscribe to our Free Dating Again Newsletter, by sending a blank email
to: dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
If you would like to contact Harlan directly, please do not "reply" back
using this autoresponder email, but send another email with the words
"Divorce" in the subject line to harlanj-@webtv.net
Copyright 2005
Harlan L. Jacobsen
Divorce Recovery 101 and Dating Again 101
2019 South Minnesota Avenue
Sioux Falls
SD 57105
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #44, 09/5/05
Lisa Daily, Dream Girl and author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry
'The One' in 3 years or less.
"This chick really knows what she's talking about!"
--Howard Stern
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, Mens Health and HITCH: On The Set Available
at
http://www.stopgettingdumped.com and bookstores everywhere
**********************************************************
(C) Copyright 2005, by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
***********************************************************
6 Secrets To Meet More Dates Online
By Lisa Daily
By now you know that online dating is by far the most popular and
easiest way to meet someone fabulous. And even if you work the swing
shift, only date junk food addicts or are looking for someone who shares
your adoration of Desperate Housewives and Sex Inspectors, it's easier
than ever to find your perfect match. Not having as much luck as you'd
like? Lucky for you, upping your odds of finding your dream date online
is as easy as microwaving a bag of popcorn - just follow these 6 simple
tips:
1) Post a photo, even if you think you look like Quasimoto
The first thing you should know is that profiles with photos get eight
times the response. Why? Nobody, but nobody, wants to end up with
whatever is lurking behind door number three. Here's an interesting
little factoid from Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, authors of
Freakonomics (William Morrow, 2005): "A low-income, poorly-educated,
unhappily employed, not-very-attractive slightly overweight and balding
man who posts his photo stands a better chance at gleaning some emails
than a man who says he makes
$200,000 a year and is deadly handsome but doesn't post a photo." The
lesson? Post a photo - even if it's a quickie that you intend to take
down later and replace with something else. Don't wait until you lose
twenty pounds. Don't wait until the Rogaine kicks! in. Post your photo
today - even if it's not perfect, it's sure a lot better than nothing.
2) The absolute best thing you can say on your profile
While it's important not to lie, it's also important to know what's
working for you:
According to Freakonomics,
The biggest advantages a man can have? High income.
The biggest advantages a woman can have? Beauty. And blonde hair.
And while good looks are important to both sexes, beauty is most
certainly in the eye of the beholder. Don't worry about trying to be
something you're not. It's most important to feel good about who you are
-- everybody looks great to somebody.
3) The Color Most Likely To Snag You A Date
It's red. When we see red, our hearts beat a little faster and we get a
sensation that mimics attraction. So, if you want to crank up the
attention-getting level with your online photo, it's a good idea to
either use a red background for your main photo, or wear something red.
Remember, red makes everybody hot. It works in person too, so be sure to
wear at least a little red on your first "in-person" date.
4) Email, Texting and IMs, Oh my!
First, you want to keep in mind that the purpose of emailing a potential
date is flirting. Keep the conversation fairly light, just like you
would on a first date. It's usually best to avoid hot-button subjects
like politics, abortion and gun control until after you know each other
a bit better. Also, it's never a good idea to use an email relationship
as a cheap alternative to therapy. Don't complain about your parade of
exes and how the opposite sex is out to get you. (If you feel that way,
you need to take a little dating sabbatical and get some real therapy
before you wade back in to the
dating pool) It's also a good idea to keep your email contact balanced -
try to match them one-for-one. In other words, don't send four emails to
his one. You'll come off as being a bit overzealous.
5) When to cut your losses
Most people email for about three weeks before initiating a personal
meeting. If it's been more than two months and you haven't met yet, odds
are you never will. (And there's usually a good reason for that: maybe
your online sweetie is married, confined to his rec room wearing one of
those prison-issue ankle bracelets, or is, hmm, otherwise unavailable.)
Unless you're just looking for a pen pal, you might want to chalk this
one up to experience and move on.
6) Stage A Safe Meeting
Never (EVER! ) give your personal information out to a stranger. And,
even though you might feel like you know someone pretty well based on an
email or telephone relationship, it's important to remember that you
don't really know them. Which means you should take precautions.
First, always meet in a public place. Next, be sure to tell a friend
where you're going and who'll you be with. Always be sure drive yourself
home.
Last, take your cell phone and keep it with you at all times.
Have fun and follow these six simple tips - your inbox will be jammed in
no time flat.
Dating Expert Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores
everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and HITCH: On The Set
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
© 2005 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
M O R E
We talk about your new life at length in our articles and archives at
our web sites.
Try http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and many others you will find
linked there.
You will also find "questions and answers" on Divorce 101 lower right
column link, and throw in your questions and concerns and you will get a
fast response.
Also try our http://www.singlestalkshop.com where singles chat about
single life.
Subscribe to our Free Divorce Recovery Newsletter, by sending a blank
email to: divorce_recov-@topica.com
Subscribe to our Free Dating Again Newsletter, by sending a blank email
to: dating_agai-@topica.com
If you would like to contact Harlan directly, please do not "reply" back
using this autoresponder email, but send another email with the words
"Divorce" in the subject line to harlanjacobsen@webtv.net
Copyright 2005
Harlan L. Jacobsen
Divorce Recovery 101 and Dating Again 101
2019 South Minnesota Avenue
Sioux Falls
SD 57105
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #43, 08/15/05
This newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To subscribe or
unsubscribe see below.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Turns out I could not decide whether the following message was more
important to send to our Dating Again 101 newsletter or to my Divorce
Recovery 101 newsletter subscribers.
Decided it was important for both so I am sending it to both.
Now a lot of our readers get both newsletters so some of you will have
duplicates. Send one of them off to a friend either new to getting back
into dating and dealing with people again, or someone who is struggling
with their divorce.
and/or just read it the second time and/or just delete the extra one....
Thanks.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Up until now you have likely looked on life as if you were a guest in
this world.
You have still been waiting for others "to do it for you". Your
happiness or unhappiness was and still is determined or controlled by
the action or inaction of others
You have always wanted the world out there to give you accolades and
make you the center of attention and importance. To make your life
exciting and desire that all these people in contact with you and you
know (or at least one) to really "do it for you".
Likely that philosophy did not really work for you before and likely
since you became suddenly single, it is not working for you now.
Therefore today, we are going to tell you to upset your traditional life
apple cart of expectations and demands..
If something is not working for you, they say insane people keep doing
the same thing still expecting a different result.
You know better, so if what you have been doing and your life is not
working, seriously look at the idea that maybe you should stop doing
what you have been doing and taking a new direction.
Your success and overall happiness in the next part of your life will be
primarily dependant on your interaction and relationship with other
people.
This is the "tied to dating" part of this... how you deal and interact
with other people. Recovering from divorce will be determined in a part
on you getting a new support system of friends.
We tell you that when you do get your life working with the right
interaction formula you will have all sorts of people that want to bask
in the happiness sunshine of a relationship with you.
They will flock around and your job then will be to sort the wheat from
the chaff...pick only those that add to your life as part of your inner
circle.
That comes later of course but only if you get this down to where what
we are teaching today becomes "automatic".
To get them all flocking your way so you can sort, and pick and choose,
needs a basic change of life and how you relate to people.
Right now, others may look at their connection or contacts with you as
similar with the contact and relationship of a dill pickle.
You learn here to treat everyone the same...not just those that you are
interested in or can do you some good. Your new program on interacting
with people will not only change you, it will give you the ability to
change everyone you come in contact with every day for the rest of your
life.
You sort only when you have too many people to keep up with and are
overwhelmed.
So here we are not dealing today on how to shape up the world of people
out there sorting those you like and are luke warm about and getting the
"chosen" to relate to you in the way you want.
Nor are we telling you how to sort which people to treat a certain way
to attract them to you.
We want to get your life on automatic to treat everyone this new way
confident that in your doing so to everyone, a new happy life will flow
back to you from all directions, you do not try to pre determine by whom
or when or why or from what direction..
This a basic life change for you that will become an "automatic" part of
you.
You will have to really work at this on manual "without fail" for 21
days.
On manual we mean you have to think about this consciously and expend
effort to do it and get it right.
Like learning to drive a car....it was a real strain until you got it in
your brain and on mental "automatic"... now you drive down the road
happily without even thinking about it and expend very little effort to
do so.
After that 21 one days of manual effort of getting yourself doing this,
it will go on automatically with little of no conscious effort
thereafter on your part.
You wont even have to think about it, it will just happen as after 21
days it has become a part of the "new you".
You life will be changed and those who come in contact with you, their
lives will be changed.
This is the point, that if I was selling a book I would ask that you
send in your $21.95 plus shipping and handling and we will send you the
book on "how to do it."
Then ask that you wait by your mailbox.
Good news...
No waiting,
no $21.95 plus...
Here it is... http://www.datingagain101.com/gift.htm
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
M O R E
We talk about your new life at length in our articles and archives at
our web sites.
Try http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and many others you will find
linked there.
You will also find "questions and answers" on Divorce 101 lower right
column link, and throw in your questions and concerns and you will get a
fast response.
Also try our http://www.singlestalkshop.com where singles chat about
single life.
Subscribe to our Free Divorce Recovery Newsletter, by sending a blank
email to: divorce_recov-@topica.com
Subscribe to our Free Dating Again Newsletter, by sending a blank email
to: dating_agai-@topica.com
If you would like to contact Harlan directly, please do not "reply" back
using this autoresponder email, but send another email with the words
"Divorce" in the subject line to harlanj-@webtv.net
Copyright 2005
Harlan L. Jacobsen
Divorce Recovery 101 and Dating Again 101
2019 South Minnesota Avenue
Sioux Falls
SD 57105
* * * *
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #42, 07/25/05
Yes, I am still alive and well but have been overwhelmed with work
pertaining to business interests. Next month I planned to be back to
normal schedule and have been informed my son is leaving our Arizona
business for greener pastures August 1st so I have to go take over that
job plus my other work so I will be back into the overwhelmed again.
Will likely send out some newsletters written by others on the subject
of internet dating for the next few so that I do not have the missing
newsletter gap again. I do not like to write on any subjects I do not
have personal experience so I personally do not write on the subject of
internet dating so others input will be helpful.
I do have lots of internet experience and have full time internet
employees. I do recommend that you make a personal web page for
yourself and assure you it is relatively easy. With or without the web
page I recommend that you get business cards made with your name and
address. Put your web address on the card for your personal "profile
web page" and you will be amazed at how easy it is for people to get to
know you and for you to find out who is really interested in you as they
get to know you via the web page. It gives you an air of established
well rounded person, not a here today gone tomorrow flake.
That is not what I set out to write about to day and will take that
up in a later issue and will appreciate hearing from any of you who have
done a web page or even have questions about doing a page... A web
page can by the way cost you absolutely nothing. The business cards ten
or 15 bucks etc.
DATING AGAIN NOVICE UNKNOWINGLY....SCARING OFF DATING PROSPECTS.
This problem comes to me often from people who have been married for 20
years and are new to the Dating Again activity so I bring it up today
because I know you are not hearing about this detour in your road to
dating success. Others do not seem to touch on the subject in plain
language so I bring it up today.
You probably are a very relationship "needy" person and you are ready
to do almost anything or spend any amount of money to get something
going, you are so tired of this being "alone".
Let me tell you that spending a lot of money on dating is not the
answer.
No, you will not get the reputation of being a cheap skate and the
good looking attractive dating prospects will not necessarily go
elsewhere.
Let us say you ask a very attractive lady to dinner at a very
expensive restaurant because you think by so doing she will not turn you
down. The money you will spend on this one date if she accepts will
likely ruin your dating budget for a very long time.
Actually, the chances she will turn you down and likely never again
accept a dating offer from you is because she does not have enough
interest in you to be that "obligated" etc.
She believes you are a very needy dating prospect and way to
interested in her and that she knows little about you and will be
obligated to follow up contacts etc. and she really does not have enough
interest to take a chance on you latching on to her for future dates etc
so to speak, because she went on an expensive date with you.
So she turns you down......
Wow, you say I must really be a dud of a dating prospect to get
turned down on an offer to spend that much money on her.
Or for example you go on a date and next day send a $35 bouquet.
True, women like flowers but this may cause her to end the relationship
because you are taking this far to seriously, she is not that interested
in you.
The very thing you did in spending money to cement the relationship
caused it to come completely apart. She ended it, you were getting too
serious, far ahead of her.
We use the teeter toter at the park as an example to understand this.
When you are both way out there it is balanced. If you move in to fast,
it upsets the balance and they fall off.
You have to move in a little and no more until they move in a little.
Keep your mutual interest and contacts "balanced".
The dating night mare is to date someone who move in quickly and sort
of latches on to you and this happens to both sexes.
This has happened to me. You date somebody once and they think they
own you. Actually you were not interested in dating them again
particularly and they won't leave you alone.
They got involved. When you are into casual dating and not
interested or ready yet to get "involved" you avoid dating anyone that
is in a "falling in love with you" mode.
You hear stories all the time of dating someone that asked them to
"marry them" on the first or second date. So you and those with dating
experience refuse or avoid dating people that are in a needy or latch on
to the this one mode.
Now if you are that "needy" dating person....you need to cool
it...slow down....remember if they detect you are a needy latch on to
the person you date type, you will get nowhere with the really
attractive people you want to date.
You will find there are some really attractive people that almost
avoid dating totally because of so many bad experiences of going out
once with someone and then they won't leave you alone. They call or bug
you constantly. You are not free to go somewhere because you might run
into them.
The answer to this is to suggest to do some easy non expensive, no
obligation starter let's get together to do something, just spend some
easy time together to get acquainted no strings or money or other
obligations.
Example; The hot air balloon people are having a big lift off from
Wilson park on Sunday. How about spending a couple of hours together
Sunday morning and watching that...it is kind of exciting and we can get
better acquainted.
Even better, I am going to be downtown on Thursday near where you
work. How about meeting for lunch at Willards, I am buying.
Now neither one of those are competing with their dating other
"better" dating prospects or using up their other class A dating times
so what have they got to lose. They think, what the heck, this person
may turn out to be interesting.
They are not obligated because you are not spending big or much money
on the date and you sound very flexible and not "needy" for a dating
relationship.
This experience probably belongs over in our "Sex Again 101" web
site but I will tell you about it here because it well illustrates my
point.
Let's call her Michele, I had dated her a couple of times, she was
very interesting and I got to know her so about six months later I ran
into her at a singles event.
There were a lot of attractive interesting guys there and she wound
up leaving with probably the least desirable and the last guy in the
place you would think she would find desirable as a date.
Really curious I called her up the next day and I said, Michele, I do
a lot of articles on dating and I am very curious about something I
wonder if you would answer for me.
Sure she said,,,,,ask away....
Michele, you were likely the most attractive desirable woman at that
event last night and you likely could have left with any one of those
guys you wanted to, including me.
You left with likely the least desirable guy in the place in my
opinion and I wonder if you can explain that so I can understand it...
or so I can explain this sort of thing to others in my articles..
Sure, she said that's easy...right now I am too busy for dating with
my schedule so I was out looking only for sex last night.
If I had gone home to bed with any of the rest of you guys you would
have "fallen in love" and I would not be able to get you out of my hair.
This guy was only looking for sex, last night, nothing else so I went
with him. it was that simple.
The lesson here is to help you understand that your being a person
that can communicate that you can date "just once" and/or gradually get
acquainted without latching on to or any further obligation on anyone's
part to ever get together again then you will have a much higher success
rate in getting dates with really attractive people.
This was written from a man's view but it works both ways. I learned
to never date anyone that seems likely might fall in love with you on
the first date...before you can know if they are your type of
person...... especially using caution or totally avoiding dating anyone
'needy" or new to dating.
This may help you understand why really attractive busy people
often do not accept many dates and how you can take the right steps to
be the one they do accept.
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #41, 04/21/05
<><><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Yes, we are behind on Dating newsletters, and yes, we have been
overwhelmed with business needs that needed attention so here is a guest
written newsletter to fill in.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Are You Too Smart to Date?
By Lisa Daily
I am pretty smart.
Not Marilyn vos Savant smart, mind you, but
always-the-first-one-at-the-table-to-figure-out-the-tip smart. Movie
trivia smart. Gets Dennis Miller smart.
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to end up married to a guy
I considered to be at least slightly brighter than I am. I'm not sure
why, but smack at the top on my laundry list of must-haves, there it's
always been: A high IQ, wedged in between good teeth, a dry sense of
humor and a working knowledge of basic chemistry. Nice hamstrings a
plus.
Most of my female friends secretly feel the same. It's not that we're a
bunch of Barbies looking for a guy who can squeeze the word asynapsis
into everyday conversation, or explain the inner workings of quantum
physics and nuclear fission to us over linguine and string bean
casserole every night while we stare blankly into space and wonder what
happened today on Days of Our Lives. It's just that most women, when we
think about long-term relationships, want to marry up. Biology compels
us to seek out the best possible long-term mate we can snag for our own.
In fact, statistics show we're looking for a man who is taller, older
and smarter. Which is lucky, because men, apparently, are looking to be
with someone shorter, younger and (gasp) dumber.
According to two recent studies, in Britain and the United States,
smarter girls were less likely to find a man who wanted to marry them.
More bad news for girl geniuses, their chances were reduced dramatically
in direct relation to their level of intelligence.
For each 16-point jump in their IQ, their marriage prospects decreased
by 40 percent.
In contrast, boys' chances for marriage increased by 35 percent with
each 16-point rise.
The British study measured the IQ of 900 11-year-olds, revisiting them
40 years later to note how their lives had progressed. Their conclusion:
men like to be in control of a relationship.
Another study at the University of Michigan, suggested that men would
rather marry women in subordinate jobs because they think that
high-powered career women are more likely to commit adultery.
According to a quote in the Daily Mail from lead scientist Dr. Stephanie
Brown, "The hypothesis is that there are evolutionary pressures on males
to take steps to minimize the risk of raising offspring that are not
their own."
So what's the deal? One theory is that men want women who will stay
home, raise the children and care for them.
Most of the press so far on this study has taken the stance that smart
chicks are basically out of luck - no man will want them. (This is a
common theme in the media - You're over 30? You'll never get married!
You have Children? You'll never get married! ) I wonder though, do smart
women know something the rest of us don't? (I mean, besides the
molecular formula of spam...) Maybe it's not that smart women can't find
husbands. Maybe they've seen the inventory, weighed their many options
and decided to go it alone instead. Maybe some smart women just find the
idea of being a wife unappealing.
As a smart girl who found my perfect match in a very smart guy, the
study makes perfect sense to me. On the flip side, I have to say I was a
more than a little disturbed when I began to wonder if my steady stream
of boyfriends and occasional proposals meant I was the slightly dumber
girl of their dreams.
Prepared for a duel, I approached my sweetie and asked. When it came to
relationships, was he looking for someone smarter than him? Or someone
dumber? He smiled, and answered, "someone exactly as smart." (I bought
it, so maybe he is the smart one after all.)
As for smart girls who are looking to find love and marriage, don't
despair. You don't have to be a short 23-year old with the IQ of a sand
gnat to find your dream guy. Despite studies that say otherwise, even
the brightest among us can find Mr. Right. Marilyn vos Savant, who is
the smartest tested woman in the world, found her match in husband
Robert Jarvik, inventor of the Jarvik-7 artificial heart. It just goes
to prove, there's someone out there for everyone : He's not only smart
enough to steal her heart, he can build her one from scratch.
© 2005 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores
everywhere.
As seen in Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and HITCH: On the Set
Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
* * * * * * * *
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #40, 12/29/04
LIVING TOGETHER CONSIDERATIONS
pluses and minuses.......
We have people that have questions and are needing to know about the
"living together" legal status.
We are not qualified nor in the legal advice business and each state
likely has a different law than the next state so we will talk in
generalities and you get local legal advice to perfect what happens in
your state.
As we said before, it is clear who gets the body when you are married,
it is the survivor. Not so when living together...
If living together you often do not have automatic visitation rights
with your partner's hospitalization.
When you are living together and your partner becomes disabled you do
not become the decision maker automatically. It may by law fall to
someone else to your detriment.
If there are children from a previous marriage it may mean their
interests conflict with your interests, and if not spelled out
otherwise, they are the heirs, you are not.
However, remembering there are one heck of a lot of legal nightmares
that go with the marriage paperwork, we will just discuss here primarily
some of the things you need to learn how to work through (legal traps)
in living together.
Now, I used to get a lot of organized opposition when I even mentioned
something other than "getting married".
If you look at statistics you will see that living together or other
alternatives are on a steep rise and second marriage rates are falling
off. Therefore you need to be informed on your options and there are not
a lot of places to get information on the subject.
Therefor do not conclude that I am against marriage.....necessarily, it
is just that first you need to consider options, and realize your
potential partner is likely already doing so.
Back to legal considerations.
You can empower your partner with a (POA).
Have your attorney or someone draw you up an endurable (does not expire
when you become disabled) power of attorney to authorize this trusted
person to manage your finances, taxes and other legal affairs when you
are unable to do so. They likely will want in return for you to have
power of attorney if something happens to them, or they can have anyone
appointed they want, it does not have to be reciprocal.
Unless you do this POA they will not be able to do this for you. Keep
in mind, some banks, IRS and others may require special forms and rules
and you should check that out before relying solely on a generic POA.
You may want your attorney to not be authorizing the POA to do too much
such as denying them the ability to change the beneficiary designations
on insurance and pension account etc. so the attorney should craft this
the way you want it. Be sure it is written with safequards if you
become disabled, so your partner who you are giving a POA to is not
given the ability to run off with your funds.
Be sure your ex has been removed from insurance policies and
beneficiaries updated.
Get a health care proxy (in addition) that authorizes this special
someone or children etc to make health decisions should you be
incapacitated. Let eveyone know what the health care decisions for you
should be.
You can put in the proxy that your partner should have all rights of a
spouse as far as hospitalization visitation rights, and "who gets the
body".
Be sure these health wishes are known by your partner and set up a
"living will" that spells out what you want to happen in certain
specified health situations.
This paper work won't cost much more if you are living together than if
you are married, but you need this type of paper work sorted out anyway.
Now, regarding a will, spell everything out and keep in mind you have an
option where you can leave your assets to the partner with the provision
that when the partner dies, all assets go to your children etc.
Best bet is to provide for your partner with an insurance policy and/or
retirement account rather than after you are gone their getting into
"will hassles" with your children and the ex spouse..
Have your attorney explain if your state has a domestic partnership law
and how that affects your plans.......
Get this all taken care of carefully by your attorney and know ahead of
time what is going to happen under all of these situations.
,,,,,,,understand you can even have your attorney draw up a legally
spelled out "living together agreement" of what happens if your
relationship ends (do this while still in the lovey dovey stage....).
Remember, your potential live-together partner may be so allergic to
getting into the soup again.....that they are avoiding commitment like
the plaque... you likely have already met some of those.
When it is all spelled out in living together, there is little to worry
about and they can be in a very close relationship with you.
They need not and should not be worrying or considering you a potential
disaster or the usual marriage-divorce "hazard" waiting to happen.
You live together and stay together because you want to be together and
both have to work at it......
You do not stay together
because your partner can "do it to you" if you consider splitting.
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #39, 12/27/04
Why you tend to look to "rerun What Was" (marriage)
Before we get into marriage I want to talk about doing new things and
new experiences as a single person.
Being married was comfortable because you have been there- done that.
You tend to want to do what you know or have experienced so if you can
arrange to have "reruns" with a new person and do it all again that
should be "comfortable" and familiar to you.
Doing new things with new types of relationships is stressful and scary
because this is unfamiliar and you have no experience.
As you get older, you do more and more they say for the last time and
less and less for the first time. This means as you get older your life
tends to get narrower and narrower and you more and more avoid anything
new or exciting.
We tell you that you will grow more as a person in the first year of
your divorce than you did in ten years as a married person.
Looking through quotes I ran across this and not sure where it came
from....
"Unless you try to do something beyond what you have mastered, you
will never grow."
You grow as a newly singled person because to get on with life...you
have to do new things with new people and this opens up new horizons and
you eventually say, hey, I do not have to be held to old limitations, I
can expand my life and try out new things, new directions, new concepts,
new thinking and learn from a whole new group of people.
Discovering that there is more to life than what you had mastered
or doing nothing but "reruns" or this trying to go back and repeat "what
was".
New things are scary. You are out of your comfort zone, "some call this
painful" so you see where "no pain equals no gain" expression comes
from.
Your big computer has nothing on file from experiencing this (whatever
new is happening) previously so you have bodily survival alarms....going
off, blood pressure is up, heart rate is up, stomach knots up and stops
digesting normally, your "flight or fight" system is on full
alert(nature says you need all this to escape (run) if this new thing
gets dicey...)
Some call this stress...... after you have experienced this new thing a
time or two and your big computer decides you can survive this, then
your comfort zone has expanded and you have "grown" as a person.
Younger people find all this new as terrific, reruns are
boring....doing new things with new people is exciting. A challenge to
master and be comfortable with "new" is a challenge and to seek out
constantly new things to experience and learn to be comfortable with
expands your world of people immensely.
In two or three years of this their life expands greatly and they grow
and become new bigger and better people.
Young people change a lot because they grow a lot in short periods of
time, and have often become uncomfortable with you because in midlife
you have gotten into a rut of "same old same old" and they have become
basically uncomfortable with and can no longer relate to your being set
in concrete.
Here we have people suddenly divorced being forced into expanding and
growing their life to make it work, and that to do so, moving into the
unknown "new" is naturally scary, uncomfortable and you look for excuses
to go back and repeat the old "familiar" "what was.
So the "being married" was a known quantity, not scary at all.
The single life style is initially unknown and uncomfortable, you
naturally initially say you "hate it". You tend to "hate" anything you
do not know anything about or are not familiar with.
There fore....many mistakenly believe and decide that to have their life
"work" and be "comfortable again" they have to be "married" and that is
their goal.
This means they never had a goal of "being happily married" the goal was
to just get back to "being married".
DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BE MARRIED?
Marriage is a legal "society developed" arrangement that was essential
for society to handle and assure the support of the inevitable children
that were going to appear when men and women were entangled in sexual
involvements.
Therefore young men and women getting to the point of involvement in sex
were smart to be making wedding plans.
The woman was guaranteed support for these inevitable children that were
going to result so she best be married before getting involved in a
sexual relationship.
The pill changed all that. Now sexual involvement does not mean
children.
Sexual involvement is no longer the determining factor in getting
married or not getting married.
Now days you can legally own property together, and do anything any
partnership can do without being married.
We talked about this in our divorce classes and researched the subject
of marriage.
Turned out about the only big draw back of living together we uncovered
is that without the marriage paper work that stood out, if one of
you dies the other does not automatically get the body. (hospital
visitation rights etc.)
ALTERNATIVE?
Let's say you go to Vegas and come back and just hint to everyone you
got hitched, and put Mr and Mrs Jones on the mailbox, even though you
did the whole thing without the paper work.
If you at a later time split, you do not have a big war, spend thousands
of dollars on legal fees and a year getting legally untangled, huge
emotional adjustment problems and hate the other person for the rest of
your life.
With the alternative, you just repaint the lettering on the mailbox and
that is it.
Therefore...re evaluate your view of marriage.
Do you really need the paper work? You can be in just as committed a
relationship without marriage as you can with.
Being willing or your partner being willing to get involved in the paper
work of marriage is not a test, a sign or endorsement or even
measurement of commitment to the relationship.
Marriage has until recently been an emotional "well being" goal, it has
now become primarily a title to put in front of your name.
Mr. and Mrs. is not a title like a college degree which you must earn,
it is a title you can adopt without the paper work and the title merely
indicates to the world basically that you and your partner have taken
yourselves off the relationship market.
With the paper work the title Mr. and Mrs. now means to some "I now
control this other person, I own them." Now that we are married I expect
my spouse to do this, this and this, in other words I now have
expectations and demands.
The title without the paper work people realize this means we have an
equal partnership, we have no new expectations, it is a volunteer
relationship, we know the other person has to be treated well, continue
to be loved, and appreciated. You both know you need to hold up your end
of the relationship or likely they are not staying.
When you were young, society, your parents and your friends looked down
on you if you lived together without the ceremony and signing the paper
work.
Now a mother who's daughter announces she plans to get married this
spring, the mother now says why don't you just try living together
first?
That illustrates how divorce and marriage attitudes have changed.
Statistics and studies continue to show a life expectancy of about two
years longer for those married over the single person counterpart.
One wag in my classes said, that really was not true, that married lived
longer, he said it only "seemed longer".
A committed relationship without the paper work living together should,
you would expect, have the same extension of life expectancy.
A recent study I just read about said that those continuing sex into the
older age bracket and men that had two orgasms a week, lived about two
years longer then those dropped out of sexual activity.
Since marriage or the alternative of living together in a committed
relationship normally assures ready access to continuing sex, this may
be the determining factor in extension of life expectancy.
The average marriage now (marriage with paper work) is slightly over 7
years.
Second marriage less then 7 years.
Your emotional marriage programming you still carry, comes from
"another" time.
You have been and likely do continue to be in love with the idea of
Marriage...and you have not given up on your belief of the white picket
fence and all that went with it.
.......all we ask here is that you re-evaluate, do you really need to be
married with "paper work" to be happy?
Next:
A significant relationship......
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of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #37, 11/14/04
ON GETTING MARRIED AGAIN....101
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
All marriages are "happy". It is right after the ceremony the problems
start.
Anon
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Getting married again is a very serious subject with many newly singled.
There are a great variety of attitudes about the subject and today I
want to discuss what came up on the subject in the classes I conducted
for ten years on recovering from a divorce, widowhood, or loss of a long
term relationship by whatever means and how getting married again fits
with getting back into dating again.
There are a variety of different attitudes about the subject of getting
married again, which if you have not already done so, will discover when
you get back into dating again.
Some will be in a frenzied quest to get married again at the earliest
moment, and others badly burned (emotional and/or financial) in the
process of coming apart from their last marriage will swear to never
ever consider getting married again for any reason.
Both will likely disguise their extreme position and pretend it does not
exist so that they can improve their dating prospects.
You will likely have some position leaning one way or the other and you
will be out there trying to sort the prospects out into the categories
of either fitting your ideas on getting married again or not fitting
your view and therefore either are a bonafide dating prospect for you or
not.
Deciding according to whether their philosophy on getting married again
fits, (agrees) with yours or not.
Many will withhold their true position and some will consider they
wasted several "dates" before discovering their dating partner's real
attitude on the subject.
First we will discuss the person that has become "suddenly single" and
does not even want to admit they are single, they are just on "hold"
between marriages.
They never "volunteered" for this being single business in the first
place, they were "drafted".
They see themselves as "miserable" in this "single life" and are trying
to shorten their sentence by conducting an all-out search to find a
"ticket" out of here.
When they arrange a date with you it is primarily to find out if you are
a potential ticket out.
If they uncover that they have no potential of working you into a frenzy
and being "converted" to that, they drop you like a hot potato after the
first date.
Their all encompassing goal is to get "married again" as soon as
possible.
We tell you that any "idiot" can get married again. All you have to do
is find someone of the opposite sex that has the same goal.... and
BINGO,
It is almost certain that this marriage will not work out long term.
Both had the goal of "getting married again".
They were excitedly "happy" at their good fortune in finding someone who
would "marry" them, and validate them as a "desirable marriage prospect"
person by doing so.
Their mutual goals were only to "be married" and they accomplished that
goal..oh joy...
Their goal was never to be "happily married", only to be "married" and
they accomplished that.
But, it turns out they had little in common other then this burning
desire to be "married" again and be rescued from their damnation
sentence of "being single" and on their own.
and.......after months of trying to "make it work" they split.
Muttering, I am still in love with marriage, there is nothing wrong with
"marriage" it is that I just keep picking the "wrong person".
So......they buy a wash and wear wedding gown and just "keep trying".
Never mind the evidence that this is not working.
They have basically established self programming that says "I have to be
married to be happy".
They have accepted this as a truth and now that has become an
established part of their programming.
<><><><><><>
I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO BE INVOLVED WITH SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS...
<><><><><><>
This is not too prevalent any more, but still is in the picture.
The programming is, "I have to be married to be involved in any sexual
relationship."
What happens here is that every time they get "in heat" they run out and
get married.
This results in their getting married a lot.
<><><><><><><><><><>
MARRIAGE IS OUT, COMMITMENT IS OUT
<><><><><><><><><><>
This happens a lot more then most people want to admit.
There are those who rationally take out a pencil and judging from their
last experience, figure up the financial risk of getting married again,
and decide that this cost-benefit thing does not add up here. This all
rationally thought out with little emotion involved.
They can be manipulated, and often are by the opposite sex insistence,
but wind up resenting having gone against their better judgement.
More common is the person emotionally recovering from such severe shock
of financial catastrophe and emotional turmoil that they adopt
programming that says "I will never trust the opposite sex again."
Every time the new significant relationship hints at marriage or some
type of commitment, they break out in a rash, and subconsciously do
something they know their new partner will not tolerate and thereby
sabotage the relationship.
Result, never lasts in a relationship very long.
<><><><><><><><>
Next Issue....What Works, How to Handle Prospects For Marriage and Long
Term Significant Relationships
* * * * * * * *
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of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #36, 10/02/04
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1. How to say "Hello" at parties.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Last Issue we suggested parties as a great way to regularly meet new single people.
The question we recieved is...., what do you do to get acquainted with people at parties?
Let's just make it easy......
The name of the game is to get acquainted with, have lots of great conversations with and get to know the interesting people in attendance.
Many will come over and start conversations with you...
Or... you start the conversation...say Hello there.. I am Harlan, and then all you have to remember is..
Ask questions.....
Make a positive statement about them or your situation first, and then ask a related question.
You sure have a nice tan, I just moved here from Ohio, are you a native of Arizona?
Remember, you are not a TV interviewer. You share information about yourself before asking a related question.
Do not ask too personal a question unless they move in somewhat on a more personal level conversation, sort of like a teeter totter (playground see saw). If you move in too fast you upset the "teeter totter". You have to wait for them to move questions in on a more personal level.
The normal formula that works is that if they do not pick up their end of the conversation, after three shares about yourself and queries or current environment statements and questions, if they do not pick up the conversational ball, to some degree, that you move on.
Regardless, move on around the party and get acquainted with as many as you can of both of the two major sexes. Some call this mix and meet.
Those that were most interesting, get back together with later. Be interested in and talk to everyone.
Each has something interesting to offer.
Some say that novices come to parties and singles events early and leave early. The pros come later and stay later....
Some single wag once commented at the singles dances that all the up tights and soreheads had all gone home by 9:30 and that was just when it started to get interesting.
Parties require some "hang around" skills. Just because nothing much has happened in meeting someone interesting in the first hour, do not become discouraged.
People keep arriving at parties until the wee hours, some having been to another event earlier. They also all become friendlier as the evening proceeds.
Plan to hang around and make a night of it. Going home to watch TV, chances of developing new friends is zero.
This does require some effort and perserverance.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
2. AVOIDING THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER OF GETTING BACK INTO DATING AGAIN
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Your success and happiness as a well adjusted single person will depend a great deal on the single friends and relationships you develop.
Make friends of both sexes, that is, developing a network of single friends you do things together with, and sort of a "singles family" of close single friends you talk to and see regularly.
Unfortunately most newly singled still believe they have to be married, (again) and/or have a big relationship with one person or life is not worthwhile.
So they dash out in a crash program to find the big "special someone" replacement to fill all of their needs.
They meet someone and they are higher then a kite. Life is wonderful again.
The new special someone soon tires of filling all of their needs, resigns the "too big a job" of filling all of their needs and expectations.
With the loss of this relationship, they crash, to the pits.
They withdraw, licking their wounds for quite a while...and eventually they come out and repeat this, with a roller coaster emotional life of ups and downs that takes its toll.
What we try to teach is that you have likely been married in a long term relationship with one person for a long time.
That this is the only life style you know, have experience with and therefore anything other then that is for you not comfortable or "normal".
Now you come out into an all new single life with no experience or knowledge of what works with relationships as a single person and little or no experience with relationships of types different than your long term that ended.
Adjusting to new types of relationships is painful.
You have heard of the "no pain no gain." You expand your life and possibilities when you get out of your previous experience comfort zone.
You are going to grow more as a person in the first year of single life, than you did in twenty years of married life, and you will do this through the single people and friends you interact with along the way.
You will practice developing single friends and relationships and as you get better at it, it will become exciting, fun, and no longer stressful as you become perfectly comfortable with your new life style.
Initially, anything you do new and have no experience and little knowledge of, will be stressful. (pain)
As you gain experience, you learn it is not fatal, it gets better all the time and you become enthused and excited about how your single life is going and its new possibilities.
Our part is to help you get up to speed in a short time.
We assume all are starting from zero, or near zero, and since many are new here, we repeat much information since many jump in here at different times and stages.
We ask that you be understanding about that since this is an ongoing "help" source with readers in or at many different places in the moving on to a second
chance at a great new life process.
This site and newsletter are about getting back into dating again.
Part of that success formula is learning how to meet and mix with singles and develop a "solid base of single friends".
Therefore we work with you on your relationship skills, your communication skills, and your developing a steady source of new contacts and single friends.
You are likely starting with an empty water tank. Little or no "single friends" in your supply tank.
What we are talking about is learning how to fill your water supply tank and keep it full of single friends and remind you that this tank of friends has a slow leak.
These friends are constantly leaking out of your life with this slow leak, so you need to understand, even though you may now have some in your tank and it is not empty, you need to have a plan and program that you are constantly adding to the supply of single friends and acquaintances in your tank.
Many, when meeting a "super someone" then totally neglect their water tank of single friends and they "leak" away.
Then when this big all-encompassing relationship that they have been demanding fill all of their needs, "ends," when they resign from the job, and most do end.....then they find they are back to an empty tank again.
Bad timing.... just when they really needed this supply tank of single friends the most to get through the death of a relationship.
So your supply tank of single friends, if maintained with due care and added to regularly is the moderating influence that keeps your life on an even keel with out the extreme roller coaster ride.
You probably know or hear of single people that one time you see them, they are in a big relationship, on cloud nine, seventh heaven and a few weeks later you run into them they are in the pits, talking of suicide.
They put all of their eggs in one basket and the basket got overturned. In the meantime the bottom fell out of what was left in their single friends water tank.
With a big supply of single friends, a network and a singles family......a full water tank of single friends means no one "can do it to you".
You do not give over your happiness control to one person, sure they are a great addition, the special someone is the frosting on the cake.
But if they leave, and you still have a full tank of single friends, they can not take your overall happiness as a single person with them.
What I am trying to get across here is telling you to develop a full water tank of single friends, and when you develop a special someone, that rises to the top, like cream on whole milk, that you continue to maintain your single friends.
That you continue to add to keeping the tank full of friends and acquaintances, constantly add new along the way and thereby compensate for the slow leak.
Your normal thought is..."who needs 'em... I finally found this special someone, at last, and now have this special super someone who demands and deserves all of my time and attention and is filling all of my needs just fine right now...thank you..."
This is one of the pressures on this new relationship that often cause it to crack.
Demanding that this "exclusive new relationship" fill all of your needs and/or demands and that you fill all of their needs.
This is all you know...that is the way it has been for you for the 20 years of your "ended" marriage.
The very idea of having other single friends at the same time you are in a big one on one relationship sounds self defeating on the surface.
Believe me, it is not. It will help you maintain and successfully continue over time, your new "biggy" relationship.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
3. Todays Quote:
There isn't anything that is not made easier through constant familiarity and training...
Dali Lama
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
4. "Visit Our Newsletter Archives"
==================================
Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every Dating Again tip, advice, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 35 newsletters so far.
Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "getting back into dating again" strategies.
However, this entire web site wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" and getting back into "Dating Again" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!
All the concepts, "getting your dating life to where it works", add new enthusiasm and are no longer adding stress to your life...are there... Through these step-by-step instructions you'll find these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, developing successful long term relationships and growing as a single person, literally exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.
============================
5. Send this newsletter to a friend
============================
Now you can help others that are going through the starting over, getting back into the Dating Again world.
Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process.
Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.
============================
6. Tell Us What You Think!
============================
We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue. .....And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that
you'd like to share with us, please send those, too! Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanjacobsen@webtv.net. Please put the word "Divorce" or "Dating Again" in the subject line. This helps get by spam filters.
==============================
7. Content for Your website or E-zine
==============================
Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://datingagain101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:
a) Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.
b) You send a quick e-mail to HarlanJacobsen@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.
c) You include the following byline at the end of each article: (small text okay...)
----------------------------------------------
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Harlan Jacobsen is a leading author, publisher and expert on the subject of transition to single life, for those newly divorced and widowed.. He has helped many with classes, seminars, 32 year newspaper (2) on the subject as well as on the web, helped thousands of suddenly single to move on to a new and better life with significant long term relationships in a shorter time. His website Dating Again 101.com and his six other web sites of interest to singles as well as free adjustment courses and newsletters have been the key for many in their moving on from this major life change.
* * * * * *
Want to talk about getting back into Dating Again? Visit and participate in our Singles Chat board. http://www.singlestalkshop.com
=================================
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Dating Again
Newsletter #35, 09/18/04
___________________________________
1. REVIEW.... Last few issues...
----------------------------------------------------------
Three issues ago we had a guest author who told you where to go etc to
meet people.
Two issues ago....I told you about the relationship glue that holds
relationships together.... and that until recently relationships were
primarily "functional", that you needed each other to survive and you
"loved" each other because you filled that need.
We reminded you that relationships are now primarily "affectional" and
when that goes, the relationship often goes.
Since much of the functional glue is gone we reminded you what things
you do together that hold relationships together. I'm not sure you
absorbed all this.... but want you to understand what changes have taken
place, that relationships are now for different reasons, serve a
different need and you need to understand that when some of these things
happen it is not because of some defect in you or your life, and it
comes with the territory now so to speak.
Last issue we hoped to shock you to understand that maybe you come
across as a "cold fish" emotionally and how you can change that
perception. We showed you how in 21 days to "convert" and become a
"warm and friendly" single person.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2. This Issue... How to
be a Party Animal
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
One of the best ways to meet a lot of people without expending a great
deal of time is to go where there are a lot of people of the type you
want to meet.
We used to favor organized singles dances as a great place (where else
can you meet and be cuddling in 60 seconds...) but since good ones are
becoming scarce and never were available in much of the vast fly over
single land, let me remind you about "parties" and tell you these work
everywhere. I have written past newsletters on the subject but it
occurs to me there is a lot left unsaid and you need to be reminded
again.
Over and over I have told you that having a vast network of single
"friends" was going to be the key to your having a great singles life
and the way to find and develop some very "significant others" in your
life...
Significant Other....is the politically correct terminology you use to
refer to someone you are living with, or have an exclusive relationship
with, or is about the same as saying "my special someone" in my life
right now.
We would maybe in the past have been married, or engaged or something
like that but this is a different time but they are very special with
this terminology.......
So here is what you do...develop a "party alert" system among your
single friends.
We tell you in other articles that you need to meet about 500 opposite
sex singles to have any chance of really meeting a someone "special"
match.
Parties are one way to get there in a relatively short time. A good
party will have an average of about 25 opposite sex singles. Smaller
towns etc = smaller parties so bear with me.
When you hear about a party....that may be open to you and your
friends...with lots of good prospects, you alert all of your single
friends on the "party alert grapevine" and when they hear of one, they
alert you.
You are likely not even aware that the party world exists. These may
be held in businesses, restaurants, bars, private homes, on boats, just
about anywhere...and they are going on every week in numbers.
They are not advertised (99% are not) and you have to dig them out. How?
Through people you meet (single friends of both sexes you develop).
My formula was to ask everyone I met at some point....further down the
conversation...where do you go that you meet a lot of singles? or where
are you going this week to meet and mix with a lot of singles?
Let me give you some examples... someone will say... well I always go to
the ski club parties... they meet the first thurs... of every month...
Usually about 70 or 80 people attend... do you have to be a
member....no...you can be a prospective member...
Another will say I always go to the Young Democrats party....it is
usually held...the...blank blank you will have to call their machine and
check...heres the number...( or Young Republicans.) or Old
republicans... you get the idea...
The Hiking Club is having their annual Superstitions party this Saturday
over at the Apache Junction Inn...you might try that...
My company is having a big ........blanky blank party to introduce the
new....blank... next tuesday night... you should come to that...a lot of
my fellow workers that are single will be there and so it goes..
Parents Without Partners is having their annual picnic...this Sunday
afternoon... Let's pick up a tub of Colonel Sanders (you are a
prospective member)...
Now here is the key.... you will soon find out about ( by asking around
and going to these type of parties about "private parties")...
and....if you play your cards right....you will soon start to get
invited to some, or you will be able to go with someone who is invited
and/or you may find some where the more the merrier is the concept of
many private parites.
Now we have been working on you to make you over into a warm and
friendly, attractive single person that would be a good addition to any
party...
and if you are a good addition to any party you will soon be invited to
several....... you will get on the list.....
We will have to discuss at greater length how you handle yourself and
what you do at parties to meet people, and how you behave so you get
invited again, but that is another article or newsletter.
For example, at some party you meet someone who has a friend who would
be just your type that they would like to have you meet.
They will invite you to a party where this friend is going to be in
attendance so they can introduce you...
Now...the can not miss.....party... you throw one...yourself....don't
have a place to throw one? Get together with a friend that lives in an
apartment that has a party room etc. Let's just say you are going to
throw a party...(rather simple really) another artcle... (already
written and likely posted) Let's call it some tricky name party...
I threw a "reject" party...once...very successful everyone I
invited...got to invite someone else that they used to date...(reject).
Big success..
They were told they had to bring.... x y or z to the party... drinks
food etc. I for got what... anyway I did not spend a dime.... I got
invited to a lot of parites by
those in attendance and it sort of was an ice breaker... to the party
world.. Had to vacumm up my house afterward, but that was about it...
Met a lot of new people and all had a big time... No planned format, no
music...just get acquainted conversations they cooked up on their own..
did not even have a chair for half of them...but my back yard worked....
Now the best part.... every where you go... you say...hi there....get
acquainted a little and then say I am throwing an xyz party on the 29th
of the month and thought you might like to come, be a lot of interesting
single people there and if you are interested in parties, I can put you
on my invite list.... and I will be sending out invites about the tenth.
If interested you will easily get their name address and phone number...
(do not use this for anything else) or maybe you can ask for email
address or IM address. You can update my techniques here.
If you change your mind...or do not get enough interest....no big
deal...just do not send out invites...
If for example there are two women together...I will take both
addresses....but will code the one I am not interested in as meeting my
"attractive standard" (do this with both sexes) and not actually send
that one an invite...
This is how you get a reputation as having only great looking (and
acting) people at your parties..
So now you have an excuse to go up and talk to every attractive single
person of both sexes you see at any other party or event anywhere..
because you are getting a
lot of attractive single people together for a party on the 28th....
You can start this about six weeks ahead.... Get about twice your
capacity number of names and expect less then half the invites you mail
out to show...
over crowded...no big deal.... by the way....tell them what they have
to bring...when you send the invite.
You may instead just hand out cards etc that say you are invited to a
"Get Acquainted" singles party at Harlan's Apartment, 8pm Saturday
the 21st.
address................ BYOB
If you do this well in advance, the word may spread rapidly and you may
get a much larger response with many "not your type of people".
So a word of caution until you get experience using
this method.
Another
idea is to throw an after an event party. Hand out sheets or cards at an
event to people you think would be good party people that you see during
the event....that a good number of people are attending.
The flyer says "we are
getting together after the (name of event) for a party at Harlan's House..
You are invited..... address directions....etc".
There is a lady in San Diego
that has been running Saturday night house parties for years. She pays a
home owner a few bucks for using their house etc. charges $15 admission
last I heard, plus men bring booze and women must bring snacks.
Invitation only and if you
act up in any way you are not invitied again. All of her guests are hand
selected and San Diego singles are clamoring to get an invite to her
parties because they know the people they will meet there are all
exceptional.
This is the
difference between controlled invite only and "open to all" house parties.
================================= 3. Quote for Today...... =================================
From the Heart Your life is right now! It's not later! It's not in
that time of retirement. It's not when the lover gets here. It's not when
you've moved into the new house. It's not when you get the better job.
Your life is right now. It will always be right now. You might as well
decide to start enjoying your life right now, because it's not ever going
to get better than right now - until it gets better right now! Abraham-Hicks
================================== 4. "Visit Our Newsletter Archives"
==================================
Our newsletter archives
contain every article, including every Dating Again tip, advice, and
technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the
newsletter in April of 02. Over 35 newsletters so far.
Now obviously, our more
recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most
cutting-edge "getting back into dating again" strategies.
However, this entire web
site wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" and getting back
into "Dating Again" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended
reading!
All the
concepts, "getting your dating life to where it works", adds new
enthusiasm and is no longer adding stress to your life...are there...
Through these step-by-step instructions you'll find these back issues a
simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving
on, developing successful long term relationships and growing as a single
person, literally exploding your potential as a happy successful single
person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.
============================
5. Send this newsletter to a friend
============================
Now you can help others that
are going through the starting over, getting back into the Dating Again
world.
Feel free to
forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you
think might help them in their current stage of the process.
Many may not have web access
or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a
copy.
============================ 6. Tell Us What You Think! ============================
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.....And of course, if you
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Please put the word "Divorce" or "Dating Again" in the subject line. This
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============================== 7. Content for Your website or E-zine
==============================
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---------------------------------------------- ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Harlan Jacobsen is a
leading author, publisher and expert on the subject of transition to
single life, for those newly divorced and widowed.. He has helped many
with classes, seminars, 32 year newspaper (2) on the subject as well as on
the web, helped thousands of suddenly single to move on to a new and
better life with significant long term relationships in a shorter time.
His website Dating Again
101.com and his six other web sites of interest to singles as well as
free adjustment courses and newsletters have been the key for many in
their moving on from this major life change.
* * * * * *
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Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #34, 08/23/04
ARE YOU A "COLD
FISH" OR A "WARM AND FRIENDLY" SINGLE PERSON?
Why are opposite sex singles not "taking a number"
and standing in line to be a dating prospect for you?
Maybe they have become aware
that you are a "cold fish" personality?
Less intelligent, less aware, not packaged as well
you singles are often popular and in demand but you can not understand
what they have that is working for them that you do not have.
Probably they are perceived
as "warm and friendly" single personalities, and you come across as a cold
fish.
MAKE THREE
CHANGES, PRACTICE THESE FOR 21 DAYS. Make them a
part of the new you.
What we tell you here will only improve your dating
prospects and dating life about 2% reading about it.....
However,
Practice these changes for
21 days and they will become an automatic part of you....... change your
relationship life and greatly improve your collection of friends..
1. SWITCH, UPDATE RIGHT NOW
TO CONVERSATIONAL STEREO.
Nearly All Conversations come in two track
stereo.
Likely you are
hearing and only responding to one monaural "fact track".
The second track you have
not been hearing or responding to is the "emotional track".
The warm and friendly
person first responds to the emotional track and only incidentally
responds to the fact track.
Women have told me that engineers are as a group,
normally in the cold fish category....
They are so used to dealing with nothing but hard
facts that they often do not even acknowledge there is a second track,
to the great dissatisfaction and frustration of their significant other.
I have written and
posted a lengthy article on the subject with a lengthy explanation of
this, but will site one example here to help understand this concept.
Your friend says " I
have to go into the hospital for some minor surgery on my whatsit next
Friday"....
Cold fish
response to strictly the "fact track message". "My sister had that
operation last month and she is getting along fine."
Warm and friendlies
response to the "emotional track",
"You sound like you are pretty concerned about the
operation, what are your worst fears about the long term implications"?
Learn to listen for
and respond first and primarily to the "emotional track" on all
conversations. Practice, Practice. 2.
SATISFY YOURS AND OTHER SINGLES "SKIN HUNGER".
Likely you were not aware that all singles
suffer from some degree of skin hunger. Most have a tremendous need to
be touched. Skin hunger.
Many newly divorced go back into a devastating "try
it again" relationship because they are suffering from skin hunger and
the dire need to be touched.
Some older women living alone have such a need to
be touched that they go regularly to the beauty parlor, the doctor or
chiropractor not because they can benefit but because they have this
dire need to be touched and they will give you every reason they need to
go but the real one.. because many are not even aware of it....
Many singles get into
unwise sexual relationships primarily because it is the only way they
find to get touched and fill their "skin hunger" needs to be touched..
Babies in orphanages
that are never touched, actually die.....
You will find several long articles on the subject
I have written on touch including one on the 12 advancing stages of
intimate touching.
Learn how to actually touch everyone you have
conversations with. (both of the two major sexes) Not once but many
times.
This includes
handshakes, hugs, (highly recommended) hand to arm, hand to hand, pat on
the back etc. etc.
Example... when dating (still do it) and going to a
restaurant...I never sat across from my date.... I sat alongside, and
moved my plate over and I was in actual touch during the whole
time...several ways... (warm and friendly) One meal together, I filled
their skin hunger needs (and mine) for a week.
You will have to work at
this...for 21 days...then you will be comfortable with it, completely at
ease and do it naturally and automatically. It will have become part of
the all new "warm and friendly you".
3. BE
WELL STOCKED AND GIVE OUT WARM FUZZIES EVERYWHERE YOU GO.
No, I am not going to try and explain that one
to you.... I am just going to send you to the articles... Go
here.
Read the follow up article listed
at the bottom on giving out warm fuzzies..
Make these three changes.... Practice these for 21 days without fail...
1. Update and respond to the
emotional "stereo message track" first.
2. Learn to touch everyone you meet and have
conversations with.
3..
Give out warm fuzzies everywhere you go.
After 21 days, they will be part of you and on
automatc.
No one will
ever refer to you as a cold fish..again. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Here are a few tourist type photos I took while
in Spain, that you might enjoy... Includes my comments. Go here.. * * * *
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #33, 07/27/04
As usual my
schedule has gotten a little behind, and having committed to two weeks in
Spain some time ago, I went even though I was way behind with closing a
store and training people on a new business etc etc. So today's newsletter
may be a little short but I will share some interesting Spain and Portugal
with you.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
BUILDING STRENGTH IN A
RELATIONSHIP
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Relationship Glue......
When my parents got married and farmed together
from scratch so to speak they needed each other to survive and they
overcame many difficulties together. They nursed the sick calf back to
health and eventually over the years put together a small herd of cattle.
They fought off the grasshoppers from eating the new corn shoots and
struggled together to raise enough food in the garden and fruit trees to
get through the winter. They needed enough wood cut to get through the
winter without freezing.... so it was a work together to survive. My
mother washed cloths one whole day a week...ironed one whole day, canned
fruits and vegetables and meat, and filled the basement with canned goods
and potatoes etc. to make it thru the winter. She took care of the garden,
the chickens and ducks, the cooking, patching clothes and looked after us
kids (3). He worked long hours and took care of the livestock, and worked
in the fields to get in a crop.
They loved each other because they needed each other.
They had a very strong relationship because they overcame all these
difficulties together.
Now, the modern husband goes to work...somewhere, the
spouse goes to work somewhere else... They come home exhausted...watch a
little TV together and go to bed...
She can survive on her own... he does not need her to
cook for him or iron his clothes.
He overcomes great difficulties all day long with the
assistance of his secretary. Together they have been slaying dragons every
day.
Result...overcoming
difficulties and accomplishing things together, they feel very close.
The only thing he does with
his wife is watch television. The result... you guessed it...
Relationships used to be
functional....now they are almost strictly affectional.....
When the affection
goes...the relationship goes.
Here is an example.... Men who go off to war and do
something together that is very difficult or trying and they survive
together by accomplishing things as a team or group, come back from the
war and feel very close to their war buddies, often for life.
In the past I have written
long articles on this subject and how you build long term strength and
closeness in a relationship.
I bring it up today....to remind you....what you do
together with this person, results in how close you feel with this special
someone.
Going to movies
together...does not hack it.. Accomplishing or helping or working together
to accomplish or experience something together builds strength in a
relationship.
Example,
if you help organize and pull off some singles event for a single
parenting group, you feel closer to these folks because you accomplished,
overcame, and experienced difficult things together.
In short... it is important
that you experience things together that are not just observing things
together... to build strength... (bonding) in your relationships of all
types.
You can figure
out now why some of your relationships do not last... they have no
strength built in... they come apart... no glue. Nothing to hold them
together.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Here is some light
hearted unusual Spain I want to share with you. Cities in Spain are old
and rather crammed together so there is a lot of people traffic on the
sidewalks...
Some
creative types pose along the walk ways every two or three blocks in some
areas as "living statues". They freeze and hold a pose so you are really
not sure this is not a real statue.
In still pictures... you do not get the full
appreciation of this difficult pose they are maintaining for a long time.
They have a cup or hat or some container and folks that really appreciate
this creativity or have their picture taken with the living statue usually
toss in a few coins. The statue will then wink at you or as the case of
our favorite...in the first two photos...he gave us a thumbs up..
He wore a wind swept
wig...and the first one is our favorite...someone walked by on the first
photo so I took a second picture.
There were dozens more over the two weeks..mostly in
Barcelona. Our favorite umbrella wind swept guy was in Madrid. Go here to take a look.
Okay....so I know that has
little to do with dating but it was a shared unusual experience... that I
share here with you.... By the way... remember our slogan... Joy shared is doubled....Pain shared is halved.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Until next issue..... Harlan
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of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #32b, 06/21/04
Due to the fact
I am overwhelmed with work pertaining to business, I have gotten behind on
the usual schedule of newsletters. Here is an issue by a guest author who
has some interesting and maybe helpful tips for you.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The Best Place To Meet the
Guy (or Girl!) of Your Dreams
By Lisa Daily //////////////////// Tired of
spending every weekend gripping a bottle of light beer, meeting the same
people in different clothes, and listening to the same jokes? Ever wonder
where all the "good ones" are hiding?
Most of us think we'll never meet somebody great in a
bar, but for lack of better alternatives, we continue to go anyway.
We all know we're much more
likely to meet that smarmy loser who introduces himself with,
"So, are we gonna get naked,
or what?" than the guy or girl of our dreams.
That said, there are lots of great non-bar places to
meet someone fabulous, and many of them have little or no competition.
For chicks:
The driving
range: Spend the afternoon in the sun with a bucket of balls.
These places are always overpopulated with men, and they go gaga over
women who can swing a crooked stick.
Outdoor food and music
festivals: Any event where there's a band and vendors selling
those gigantic Fred Flintstone turkey legs (or some other meat-on-a-stick)
is a good bet. You're laughing, but it's true.
For guys: DSW (or any other gigantic shoe
warehouse.)
These places
are crawling with women, especially on early Friday evenings and
Saturdays. Just ask the nearest unattached female to help you pick out a
new pair of shoes. See where it goes from there.
Book clubs: Women love to read, and there
are usually very few men in attendance. A great pick if you're interested
in dating someone with a brain.
For everybody:
FastDating:
It's hilarious, you can do it with your friends, and
it's loads of fun. Like musical chairs for grownups.
Somebody else's company picnic:
Pair up with another single
pal and survey his/her company's assets. These events are social, and as
an added bonus, you know everybody there is employed. Your insider buddy
can act as your tour guide to help you to avoid the guy who sticks
paperclips up his nose, or the woman with the 59 cats.
Volunteer work:
There are volunteer groups just for singles. You help
make the world a better place, and meet a lot of like-minded eligibles. If
there are no singles volunteer groups in your area, check out Habitat for
Humanity. It's a great way to meet people, and you get to spend the day in
the sunshine using power tools. Yippee!
Vacation:
Hit someplace cheap and
sunny. (Mexico springs to mind.) That fabulous combination of sand and
margaritas can be the perfect recipe for love. Go with as many same-sex
friends as you can squeeze into a hotel room, and have a ball.
Internet Dating: Just browse 'till you click. My sister-in-law met her
darling husband this way. Remember though, be smart, be cautious, and keep
yourself safe.
More
great places to meet "The One" Atlantic City or Vegas (ladies- hit the
blackjack tables, guys- scope out the slots.) The beach. Any beach.
Parties, once removed.
(Parties where you know a few people, but that are outside your normal
group of friends)
Team-building conferences.
Whitewater rafting.
Bike races.
Outdoor concerts and
festivals.
Work-related
shindigs.
Church.
College classes or adult
education classes.
Music
store.
Outdoor sporting
events - especially baseball.
There's nothing quite as sweet as a summer romance,
so get out there, be brave and try something new.
You'll probably have a great
time and you'll never know who you might meet.
***********************************************
Lisa Daily is the author of
Stop Getting Dumped! All you need to know to make men fall madly in love
with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and The Sally Show Get our FREE
Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of man-snagging techniques, at
http://www.stopgettingdumped.com * * * *
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #32, 05/31/04
Waiting for
lightning to strike.......
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
There seem to be some
misconceptions, such as, that if you have been married for 20 years you
know all about dealing with the opposite sex.
You have not had 20 years' experience, you have had
one year's experience twenty times.
The other misconception that seems to pop up
endlessly is that if you just hang around it will sooner or later happen.
If it was meant to happen they will just ride up and rescue you from the
lonely doldrums...
It
was not too long ago...that 80% of people that met and developed
significant relationships lived within a couple of miles of each other.
This might still work in
New York or some congested area where you have ten thousand people per
square mile. However, let's take the odds of that ten thousand... Half are
the wrong sex. If you are over 60 and a woman about three quarters are the
wrong sex.
Divide the
remaining 50% of the adult population into opposite sex, split them up
into five years either way from your age bracket and you are down to
1,000. Lets say 60% are married, living together or in some current stage
of pairing... that leaves 400
About a fourth of those are either gay, or have
dropped out of the "pairing" game for good for one reason or the other...
leaves 300 prospects.
In
my case 100 smoke and are off the prospect list. In addition, If you or
they (either one) insist on a prospect must have a college education you
are now down to about a hundred.
There are other restrictions, of course, or
expectations or demands that either your side or their side make it
smaller yet, but we will settle for one hundred prospects out of 10,000
people.
The question is
how do you and they ever get a chance to even check each other out? We say
you have to work at it....... remember you are sorting 100 out of 10,000.
Develop a way of letting
people know you are single, available and open to new relationships. See
and be seen, make it easy for them to sort you out...of the ten thousand.
Be where they will likely be... count on them to do a part of the work...
but make it easy for them to know you are a prospective dating
relationship.
We go into
that in other articles, about using tools to quadruple or even improve
your batting average 100 times. Examples would be business cards,
internet, personal ads, your own web site etc.
You erroneously think you
were born with all the tools you need to attract the opposite sex and it
will happen on its own or it was not meant to be...
We say you have had little
or no experience dealing with a variety of the opposite sex for twenty
years and you did not have much before that. You have no expertise in
easily meeting people and sorting.
This is all learned... a bird was born with it, they
know how to build a nest...you as a human being are not born with it....
This you have to learn...and you learn by doing...Aristotle said you can
not learn to play the flute until you play the flute. You can not learn to
date again until you actually "practice" dating again.
So like the dog that chases
cars, most would not know what to do with it, if they caught one.
Surprise number two...you
not only have to work at it.... you have to learn how to do it so it works
for you.
Learn from
every source available including other singles, ask...what works for you.?
Develop a plan to
practice, practice practice.
Enlist friends and acquaintances to put you together
in places where most of the people there are qualified prospects.
If you have 100 friends
sorting the wheat from the chaff for you.... you have improved your odds
tremendously.
1. Learn
what works..from books, courses, other singles.
2. Use every tool available
3. Start with predating
and practice practice.. see our other articles.
4. Go where other singles
prospects go...see and be seen. Give them an opportunity to do half the
work...
5. Recruit
friends and new people you meet to introduce you or put you where other
prospects are...
6.
Develop a network of single friends... collect the near misses as part of
your network of friends. These folks will lead you over time to qualified
prospects. The bigger the collection of friends you can maintain, the
better the odds of their putting you in the right place at the right time.
My message is that in
developing significant dating relationships, you will eventually discover
this is not much tied to luck.....your developing significant
relationships in your new life, is going to be almost totally a result of
your taking responsibility to make it happen......and yes, when you work
at it, you may benefit from and have some lucky breaks along the way, that
"just happen".
Either
way, you know it will happen because you are doing what it takes to "make
it happen".
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #31, 04/18/04
+++++++++++++
Last Issue.....
+++++++++++++
Just reread last issue and
recall it was about selling......and how a salesman works at it to get
results. I'm not sure everyone got the message of what that was all about
and how it pertained to dating.
Actually, I am amazed at how many people have the
Cinderella syndrome, where they think that they should just look terrific
and Prince Charming will come along and sweep them off their feet and live
happily ever after.
A
lot of them wind up in a rest home still waiting for them to ride up...any
moment now.
The people
that are successful in selling, the people that are successful in life,
successful in dating relationships are those that "WORK" at it.
We try to teach this in
divorce recovery classes. This is a turning point in your life, and it is
a good time to rethink your life operating plan.
No longer be a victim of
circumstances (fate) or what comes down the pike. This is the turning
point in your life after a divorce to decide to take charge and become
"100% "responsible for your own life."
In taking charge of your own life you have to learn
how to "make things happen".
In dating again classes I tried to teach how to make
things happen. In selling I learned you do a lot of work (looking for
prospects etc) that you never get paid for.
I also learned while doing this, you often "luck out"
and get paid for something you did not do any work for. Sales fall in your
lap.
But those lucky
breaks only happen when you are out there working at it.
The main thing I have tried
to get across in the classes is that 80% of your big breaks in life and in
dating are going to come through a network of single friends. (both sexes)
Most newly singled are
out there beating the bushes and looking for one big "super match mate" to
fill all their needs.
They sign up for this newsletter because they think I
might tell them where that super warehouse full of " perfect match for
them" singles are stored.
They are not looking for a network of single friends,
they are looking for that "special someone".
If they decide you do not totally match up with these
"super" expectations and demands they have, they just do not have time to
bother to get to know you.
They operate on what I might call the emotional
roller coaster dating method. Little or no dating until they meet what
they view as a "Mr or Ms Right".
They meet Mr. or Ms "Close Enough", and they are on a
real high......life just could not be better.
And then it ends........crash... I will not get into
why here, but there are a lot of good reasons why it does end. (it helps
to know why this is but this is a newsletter not a book)
The point is, now their life
is ruined, absolutely crushed, depressed, never going to trust the
opposite sex again.....so they withdraw from the opposite sex world for an
extended time..
Eventually they get over their depression enough and
renew their subscription to this newsletter etc. and try again.
.... and after three or four
of the these over the years, huge emotional highs and the following
crashes they totally "give up" on the opposite sex,
.... and adopt a cat.
We all have known (looking
back) singles who have "dropped out" of the opposite sex relationship game
for the rest of their life..
From my newsletter pulpit I have been telling you
that this is a hazardous way to go, and there well may be some who
succeed, but there are a large percentage that wind up emotionally
drained, and needlessly drop out from one of the better parts of life.
Have at it and good
luck........
...but....
just be aware that there is likely nothing wrong with you, that this does
not mean you are a failure when these huge relationships end, it just
means you were using the wrong modus operendi... (cops use this latin term
that means "method of operation" )
The last newsletter was about making sales happen,
and that it requires "Work" to succeed at it.
That here we are talking about developing a network
of single people, a singles family who steer you to great relationships
over time.
A resource
that is never ending if you keep adding to your network of single friends.
(developing a new network friend was called a "sale' in the last issue.)
The message was that a
salesman knows sales do not normally "just happen" because you are
"lucky". Most happen because you went through and did the things you need
to do to "make things happen". (effort and work)
Here we are talking about
taking charge and responsibility for making your dating life work.
What I have been trying to
lay out for you is an overall plan that builds a solid foundation for
filling your needs, and handling and making your dating life the second
time around add to your overall enjoyment and happiness in life.
.....to avoid it becoming a
drain, rather then a plus in your overall enjoyment of life.
===============
Something to think about
===============
One author who wrote books
on the subject of dating that I met, had a staff of college students do a
lot of research on relationships and one of the discoveries that made a
lasting impression on me was a survey they did with a number of people
that were in a long term very happy satisfying relationship.
They discovered in that
survey that 80% of the people in these long term happy relationships said
that they had NO initial ATTRACTION the first time they met.
This is why we tell you when
you have a large network of single friends, that you have contact with
often, that long term relationships just sort of "come to the top"
somethng like cream in whole milk. It happens over time automatically.
++++++++++++
Until next time...
=============
If you are changing email
addresses soon stop right now and put a note on your calendar to let us
know click here ...AFTER
you get your new email address.
I don't want to lose touch with you! I also encourage
you to join the list with more than one email address just in case one
copy gets blocked from delivery for some reason. S-P-A-M filters are
blocking even legitimate emails these days.
If a friend sent you this newsletter you need to send
a blank email here
That way you can get your
own copy next issue!
Keep smiling :0
Harlan
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #30, 03/24/04
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WEBSITES Dating Again 101 at
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MARKETING YOURSELF AS A
POTENTIAL FRIEND OR DATING PROSPECT.
What you are selling is YOU. YOU are "the product" you are selling. You need first
of all a good product and second you need to understand something about
marketing the product. One or both of these may need fixing.
If no one seems to be
interested in the product we first of all need to shape up the product and
make sure it is in competitive shape.
This does not mean spending $100 at the beauty
parlor.
It does mean
getting yourself to become the person you should and could be.
This newsletter is not going
to take on the job of maxing you up to all you can be (elsewhere and more
later). Today we will concentrate on marketing the all new improved YOU.
We assume we are
marketing an enthusiastic single person, excited about a second chance at
new relationships and a new life, past all the emotional garbage and
quirks left over from the long term relationship that "expired".
It's tough marketing this
"you" if you are still dragging all that baggage around and it is still
part of a package that comes with you.
They may be real interested in you but wisely avoid
you because they do not want to get mixed up in all that carry-over
baggage.
For today, we
are just reminding you about that and moving on with getting you an
understanding of basic marketing.
Since a network of single friends is the key to
success in your new life, (including dating success) what you are
marketing here is YOU as a potential friend and dating prospect.
I started out making a
living in selling on commission at the age of 17. Tough way to go but you
soon figure out what works and what does not, because no results, on
commission means no pay....
Maybe that is where I got the philosophy of "if
something is not working, (and you get hungry) stop doing it and try
something else".
First
thing I learned was that a good salesman deveoped right off, was to find
ways to always have a never ending source of getting prospects to make a
pitch to, this was absolutely essential.
This is called prospecting.
Figure out where to go where
there are lots of potential prospects. (people in the market for what you
are selling, in this case you.)
Remember, the product is you as a potential friend
and dating prospect.
When you get there, then you talk to potential
prospects as many as you can work in, and then you do what we called
qualifying each individual prospect.
Did they seem to be real interested, where they
qualified to handle or be able to use this type of product? (were they in
the market and did they have the ability to buy?)
Since prospecting time is
valuable, we take phone or contact numbers with a promise to contact them
later about a demo. (sales pitch)
We move on and get as many prospects qualified and on
paper as we can when we are in a sea of them.
You would like to just take this real interested
prospect and give them the whole demo and sell them right now.... but...
If you do that, you will
have no time to qualify other prospects in your file to work on the rest
of the week and your odds will be greatly lowered of having a great week.
If or when you run out
of qualified prospects, (people you already had some contact with and you
decided were qualified prospects) you are in trouble.
Little chance of good
results this week.
You
can still salvage the week but you are really going to have to work at
it...
Look for places
where even maybe a few prospects will be hanging out..
Contact past sales (friends)
and see if they know of any prospects you might talk to or somewhere to go
where they think there may be some good prospects..
and....
step up the search by asking
every qualified or unqualified prospect you talk to, do they know of
anyone who might be in the market for your product right now....
Struck out...? Give them a
business card and ask them to call you if they think of or run into any
prospects for your type of product. Offer them a reward...for doing so....
Enough on
prospecting...you get the idea...you have to work at this...
too lazy...?
Well, we probably can not
help you here then because this is a do it yourself project.
Next comes contacting your
prospects and getting together for coffee, or whatever and with you being
able to go through your pitch. (We called it a demonstration)
The real truth is that this
all boils down to simple numbers.
That is right, success in marketing anything at all
is based on numbers.
If
you had assembled cards listing 30 qualified contacts you could reach this
week, you could usually turn that into about 20 "demonstrations." If you
could make 20 full fledged demonstrations in a week, you could almost
always turn that into four or five sales.
If you make four or five sales a week you were a big
success. the trick was, some could do this once in a while but if you had
a plan and worked your plan (numbers) every week, you would wind up with
nearly the same sales each week.
The home office you sold for would be amazed and send
you bonuses and awards and send you newbie salesmen to train to see if
they could do the same thing.
Now how well you did the demonstration (let's be
friends pitch and talk about life as a single person in your case) will
have a bearing on this result but that is another story
My whole lesson today is to
get across to you that you do have to work at this and you do have to work
with the numbers.
There
are no real effective short cuts, you can improve your prospecting, you
can improve your percentage of demonstrations to sales... but to develop a
network of single friends and dating prospects you still have to work with
the numbers.
This is
something I write on quite often and it pertains to something called the
"law of averages"
Other
articles I wrote years ago throw a little more light on the subject of
working with the numbers.
Since you are working at developing friends and
dating prospects part time....(not doing it for a living...) we will use
my one week numbers "marketing example" for you for two months of
"working" at it..
To
have a successful 60 days your target then is ......... to prospect and
have contact one way or the other with 30 potential friends (of both
sexes) in two months time.
Prospects which you retain a further contact method
such as Phone number, IM, (instant messaging) E-mail etc.
Perhaps, Internet, personal
ads, singles events, friends reference, you name it, go where they are and
talk....get acquainted.
Further contact along the way, with 20 of them,
contact where you get to know each other a little more. Maybe getting
together for coffee after an event, maybe some type of date etc. Agreeing
to meet again at some event etc. where you can get further acquainted.
Out of that 20....4 or 5
long term friends are developed and wind up joining your "personal singles
network". How you maintain that ever enlarging circle of your singles
network, is another newsletter for another day.
About the same numbers and
percentages, as my example of someone in direct marketing.
How much prospecting you do
to maintain these figures, how long it takes to develop a pool of friends
and dating prospects is determined by these numbers.
Saying "I wish" I had a lot
of friends, acquaintances, and dating prospects, gets you nowhere.
Working at it does.
How you maintain that ever
enlarging circle of your singles network and dating pool, is another
newsletter for another day.
Harlan Jacobsen
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
In the presence of
greatness, pettiness disappears. In the absence of a great dream,
pettiness prevails." Robert Fritz Composer, Filmmaker and Author
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #29, 03/04/04
This issue is
late and I am so far behind in all sorts of projects including a new Az
newspaper, that I have obtained permission to run an article by Lisa,
which covers the subject I had planned for this issue, namely sex...the
big issue in dating again. Here is her take on the subject and you will
hear mine later which is not much different.
Harlan
****************************************************
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby. By Lisa Daily
One of the most
common questions I get from readers is: "How long should I wait before
having sex with someone new?" (Actually, truth be told, this question
comes primarily from women. With few exceptions, for most men the answer
to the question "How soon should you have sex?" is "How soon can I get
it?")
Obviously, the
"right time" between two consenting adults varies with every relationship.
Some people think it's okay to sleep with someone on the first date,
others think nothing before marriage is acceptable. My own theory on the
right time to do it for the first time falls somewhere in between
tramp-o-rama and virgin nun.
If you're just looking for a wild night, and a
serious relationship or pesky moral dilemmas aren't in the picture, then
by all means, let the shirt buttons go flying. But, if what you're looking
for is a long-term relationship, you should wait to have sex until you're
in an exclusive relationship and hold off on doing the deed for at least a
month. No sex for the first month. Really.
Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother
used to repeat, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Well, like it or not, in theory, it still holds true today. Sure the
sexual revolution has loosened things up a bit, but as we all know, that
old double standard still exists. Sure, you can either sit there, mentally
debating with me about why it's unfair or wrong, or you can just smile and
do what works.
After
all, what's a little delayed gratification when we're talking about the
man or woman of your dreams? Whip out the fur-lined handcuffs and edible
undies on your honeymoon, if you're so inclined. The third date is not the
time.
Okay, now try not
to have a heart attack, it's really not that bad. Once you start dating
someone exclusively, one more month really isn't that long to wait.
Why wait a month? The answer
may surprise you. It has nothing to do with any moral issues, and it's not
about playing hard to get. It's about chemistry. Brain chemistry.
The Love Drug
When women have sex, a chemical called Oxytocin is
released in our brains. Scientists refer to it as the "Cuddle Hormone."
Why? Because it causes the affected person to get all sorts of mushy,
googly, nesting romantic feelings. So what happens if you have sex too
soon? A guy you thought was just so-so yesterday suddenly becomes Mr.
Fabulous once you've had sex with him. Did he stop ending jokes with "get
it?", picking his nose or talking incessantly about his mother/pet
iguana/job at the post office? No. The difference is sex. Doped up on
Oxytocin, it's much more difficult to judge whether or not he's someone we
really want to be with through the haze of googly-moogly romantic emotion.
The one-month sex
embargo is just an extra measure of certainty, to make sure the guy is
really someone you want to be involved with on that level of intimacy. How
long you wait is up to you, as long as you wait at least a month. After
the one-month mark, it will be abundantly clear to your man that you do
not take this sex thing lightly, and that someone would have to be pretty
darn special before you'd consider jumping into bed with him. And, you
will have the opportunity to make your decision using your brain while it
is still functioning properly.
Don't worry if you think your guy will leave if you
don't have sex with him. After interviewing hundreds of men on the
subject, I can tell you that this simply isn't a factor. If he can't wait
until you're ready, he certainly won't be hanging around long after the
deed is done. By waiting, you are sending a message to your guy that sex
with you is something special, and he will have no choice but to believe
you are worth the wait.
Nag. Nag. Nag. Safety first.
I would be remiss if I
didn't stress the importance of safe sex. Always, always, always use a
condom until you are both: 1) in a long-term,
monogamous relationship and also 2) have both been
tested and are clean for STDs.
If it freaks you out to buy condoms at the local
Kroger with your yogurt and salad-by-the-pound, by all means order
yourself a box from one of the many online drugstores. They'll deliver
right to your door, and even your postal worker won't suspect a thing.
2004 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved. Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting
Dumped! All you need to know to make men fall
madly in love with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At
bookstores everywhere. As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and
Ricki Lake Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of
man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Those of you wanting to
discuss the subject, you might want to throw your coments and questions in
at http://www.singlestalkshop.com
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #28, 02/10/04
Probably the two
biggest words that get in the way of happy relationships is "money" and
"sex."
If I talk about
them, supposedly you have to handle the conversation with kid gloves or
someone in our readers' list is going to get upset about what I just said
and cancel their subscription.
They both get in the way of getting going with good
relationships on a sound basis, so let's take up money first.
Many new to dating again
believe they can not afford to date, there is no money left after paying
attorneys, child support and all that so they are just "out of dating"
until they get extra dollars somewhere.
Women say they can not afford to go out, the
babysitter bill is just too much and is money that is just not available
right now.
First of all,
let's define what a "date" is... It is a contract to spend a specified
amount of time together.
Nowhere in that definition did you see anything about
money, (and/or sex).
If
I can not take them out to a nice place they will think I am a cheap skate
or not really all that interested, which I am. So I bust the budget and
ask them to dinner at an expensive restaurant. This means I am out of it
for the rest of the month.
Here is what you need to know....... Pre date, simply
get together after the church singles event for coffee... Say, how about
getting together and meeting for coffee at Dennys down the street a block
after this is over?
If
you can not afford the coffee, go dutch. The point is to spend some time
together. If your budget is busted on account of your divorce or you have
just been laid off....say so.
No need to pretend. They will think you do not like
them or lost interest if you go a long period of no getting together, when
it is actually your pocket book keeping you apart. Say so, and then
suggest getting together at the park on Sunday afternoon, and feed the
ducks... (use your old loaves of bread halves left over) Or the street art
show...... or any kind of free public event.... the idea is just spending
some quality time together...
If they are interested, they will be delighted you
asked. If you're a woman, say my ex has the kids on....blank ...why don't
we get together on.....and see the hot air balloon people take off early
morning...blank...blank.
By the way ladies, the easiest way to handle the baby
sitting bill is not to have one. Make a deal with a friend, she drops her
kids off on blank night at your house, and you drop your kids off with her
on blank night every week. Special other times on an even swap basis.
There are even baby sitting cooperatives but that's another
story....anyway.... Result, no baby sitting bills....
Another solution, do
something together and take the kids along.... some men enjoy this, they
miss being with their kids and this really helps them feel back to normal.
Ask or offer to do that and make suggestions or say, I can go to the
...blank ...if we can take the kids along....
Back to money. Let's say a guy sends expensive
flowers and offers to take her to something ungodly expensive...( this is
because he really really wants to get to know this person.) She turns him
down and he misses his opportunity. Why? Because she was not yet that
interested. She thinks this guy is really going to be a problem. He thinks
I am all that interested, I am not, so that ends it. If he had started
with simple no cost or small cost she would go for it because she would
know there is not commitment or representation she is that interested. She
may be later, but in your spending big money she feels indebted, that she
"owes" you being available when you want to go out etc. and she does not
want you to get the wrong idea so she opts out.
Asking them out to a big
expensive date is therefore counter productive in many cases.
Most men do not realize that
one of the biggest problems of really attractive women particularly is
going out with a man and then he latches on to her and pesters her all the
time when she has decided she is not really that interested, and wants to
end it.
Therefore, not
overly showing interest, so that she knows she can get rid of you with no
hassle if it doesn't go anywhere, improves your chances of spending time
together and getting acquainted with this overly attractive person.
Again, if you are offering
to spend a lot of tight budget bucks on her, she will feel obligated and
may turn you down solely as too much too soon. I am interested in getting
to know you but not that interested.
Some women will not give out phone numbers because of
not being able to stop attention when she no longer wants it, decides you
are not her type etc. We suggest giving out an IM address... You can shut
them off of that in a minute...when needed. Read our article on Nobody
wants your phone number any more, now they want your IM. go
here...
(for you
non-computer people, that IM stands for Instant Messaging.) It the ex got
the computer, well there is always the public library and cyber cafes...
By the way, I operate a
cyber cafe (that is a common name for a public place you can go and use a
computer.) Especially handy to know about these, especially when overseas
you can stop and pick up your email and keep in touch back home.
We have a cyber cafe in one
of my stores, $2 an hour to use a (high speed connection) computer. You
can see live web cam view here (http://www.cybercafe101.com) what this looks
like, we have four cameras that sequence every 30 seconds so you will have
to wait a couple minutes and maybe even have to hit refresh for the
picture to stop at the view of the computers.
(6) two of the computers are down at the far end,
lower down and you will likely not see the users there, and two of the
monitors are sunk in the counter by the stool portion. This store and
associated cyber business are open 7 days a week 16 hours a day and only a
few hours a day are all six computers busy (seldom).
This is actually a place you
can meet other computer users and there are a lot of customers who see
each other here regularly and have become sort of computer buddies. This
is sort of like meeting people at the laundromat.
Cyber Cafes are big overseas
but in the US very few stay in business because most people have a pc and
their own internet connection. Overseas your own connection is very
expensive.
Our cyber
cafe has a high speed connection so even some with dial up come in when
they have a long session etc.
It is not self supporting but creates traffic for the
video business. I think this name was derived from some cafes around the
world adding a few stations to keep their customers hanging around and
ordering more coffee etc.
Most now do not serve food or drinks, but just charge
you by the hour etc. In Peru for example we went to Macho Pucho (mountain)
and there is a little town at the base of the mountain, we were concerned
this was so far out in the middle of nowhere, there would not be a cyber
cafe to check in back home... turned out to be three in this little town.
Meanwhile back at the
dating scene....
There
is the story about the guy who had the idea that if he spent $50.00 on
someone, they owed going to bed with him.
So far, he had spent $48.70 on her and she never did
figure out why on the way home he kept asking if she was sure she did not
want to stop for an ice cream sunday.
In about ten days I will turn 75, and if my
alzhiemers doesn't kick in, we can talk about how sex fits in with the
dating scene the second time around in the next issue.
Someone asked Bob Hope, back
when he turned 90, "Bob, how is sex, now that you have turned 90?" "Oh,"
Bob said, "sex is still great, especially the one in the fall......."
If you know of anyone else
who can benefit from a discussion of what works in dating the second time
around, forward them a copy of this newsletter and suggest they subscribe,
by sending a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #27, 01/11/04
COLD FISH TO
WARM AND CUDDLY
__________________________________
When you start dating again
you will often be dating within a group of friends and often your dating
reputation may proceed you.
Now you may have a reputation as a warm and cuddly
type or worst of all, as a "cold fish".
Let's define what makes the difference. First of all
you need to know that we all have a dire need to be touched. This need is
often confused with the need for sex. Some in fact get involved in unwise
sexual relationships, as the only way they know to fill this "need" to be
touched.
Actually, many
are not even aware this strong unfilled need they have and miss after
divorce, is this human need to be touched. They know they are missing
something, it feels terrible, so they conclude sex must be what they are
missing.
Older people
living alone, widows and widowers for example, often find themselves
driven to go to the hairdressers, the doctor and the chiropractor etc
twice as often as they did before living alone, totally unaware, that this
is to fill their dire need to be touched.
In developing dating relationships we have what we
call the advancing "touch" stages of intimacy.
You should not be one of
those who expect to go from no physical contact straight to "in bed
together".
Please read
this article on understanding your need to be touched, and the person you
are dating needs to be touched. Go
here
Be sure to read
part two on the advancing stages of intimacy. Often we are afraid of
touching, fearing our new partner may be offended. This article will cover
what you need to know about that.
You need to know you can have great touching
relationships with all your friends and acquaintances, not just those that
are "sexual" prospects.
Make touching just common practice, in your contacts,
not solely as a route to sexual intimacy. Remember, you are not only
fulfilling your needs to touch and be touched, you are filling their needs
also. You probably may not have realized it, but it is the one big thing
you have been missing, and your friends and acquaintances have been too.
Here is a little note I
do not think I have ever mentioned before. When I got on to this touching
thing, whoever I was with, (dating) I stayed constantly in touch with,
hand holding etc. and when sitting in a restaurant booth I never sat
across from them, I moved the plate and silver ware over and sat alongside
of them, maintaining constant touch the whole time.
The subject of giving hugs
is another very important part of this....so much so that I had an entire
web site I had devoted to it, called hugabunch.com. Everything I had ever
put together on the subject was on that site...
Unfortunately, I forgot to
renew the URL (web name) and the site was deleted, and no longer
recoverable. All the material was lost. Have not had the time to put that
all back together so just be aware, learning (it is learned) to freely
give hugs is part of this touching thing.
At our divorce classes, to end them each week, we all
stood in a circle holding hands, had an inspirational reading or sang a
little ditty of some type together and then we had hug practice, you had
to give out at least three "practice" hugs before you could leave.
This served several
purposes, one of which was that these newly divorced people were starved
for touch, filled some of their needs for that and made it possible to
learn and experience that it is okay to touch people you are communicating
with.
Soon you get to
where it is a habit, it is just something you do automatically, and people
soon are drawn to you and learn to like this warm and friendly you, and
they are not sure why....
(you and I know the secret.... you touch)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
WARM OR COLD FISH
COMMUNICATION
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
When you look at reasons
listed for divorce, right at the top of the list is "communication" or
lack there of.
Believe
it or not...most people really do not know how to fully communicate.
Sure, they know how to make
blah, blah blah. The number or amount of blah, blah blah has very little
to do with how "well" you communicate.
Somewhere, I have a long article I wrote on this but
unable to find it for now, but will at least touch on this here so you
will have at least heard of this, whether you are able to grasp this
completely here or not.
Communicating with another person should come in
stereo, two tracks... (you may be a mono)
First track is Fact....
Second track is feeling.....
Example, ...Most engineers
are considered cold fish to talk to, they are trained to and basically
only talk, respond to and deal in precise "facts". ( mono )
Psychologists, clergy etc.
in contrast, are usually considered "warm and friendly" because they are
trained to deal in and respond to stereo...(two tracks, fact and feeling)
Since this is not a book
on the subject or even an article, therefore, here, I will just give one
example to illustrate this.
Bill says, (in stereo) "Tomorrow I have to go to the
hospital for prostate tests to see if I have cancer."
Mono response.....(fact) "They tell me after 65 you should have those tests
every couple years.
Stereo response (responding to the feeling component
of Bills communication.) "You sound like you are
really concerned about this test, did you have some indications?"
What I am trying to make you
aware of here in small space, is that to become a warm and friendly
person, you need to learn to respond to the "feeling" component (stereo)
that comes with most communication.
Respond to the feeling part (track) primarily and the
fact part secondarily. Up until now, you likely only responded to the
"fact" part of communications. (mono)
Update the all new you.....
Now as a "warm and friendly
person," you fully communicate in stereo.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
We just posted another
article, in a lighter vein, on the subject of the Pecking Order In the
Singles Hen House. This will help you determine if you are top chicken, go here.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
I may not be your first,
but to be your last would be perfect!" Author Unknown
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
You know you are on a
bad date when: Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter
#26, 12/21/03
Last issue we
brought out the statement that finding and connecting with your one big
soulmate was:
Not
Something that just happened, it was something you did.
Last issue we showed you
that you were likely not to find them among the 100 first name basis
friends you develop, but each of these people maintained 100 or more
friends and it was in this 10,000 two handshakes away friends where "that
special someone would float to the top" and you would connect as a result
of activity with that first 100 friend network.
Well, by now, maybe you get
the idea that you can only be a few places and meet a few people.
But...your friends are a lot of places and meet and know a lot more
people...some of which will be great prospects for you.
Let me explain it this
way....
Raised on a
farm, we often went Pheasant hunting. Walking down corn rows where
pheasants hung out, you would scare up (fly) pheasant in the row you were
in and a row on each side of you. Those you had a shot at. In the other
rows they ran away from you side wise, out of reach and you never even
knew they were there.
Bring along two bird dogs and they scare up pheasants
fifty feet both sides of you. This increases the number of birds scared up
and the shots you get a chance at five to ten times.
If people you meet anywhere
are informed that you are looking and open to meet new opposite sex
people, they will usually gladly act as bird dogs and scare up a lot birds
for you that you will figuratively get a shot at.
When I was younger I worked
as a salesman and worked strictly on commission. No sales equals no
income. On commission, to survive you quickly figure out what works.
Talking around to people in
general I met and sorted out only a few prospects. My income was limited
by not finding many prospects.
Then I discovered every prospect I met and even the
people that turned out to not be a real prospect each knew one or two
people that they could refer me to that would be an interested prospect
for my product.
Soon, I
developed this to where all I had time to do was make sales pitches to
these people I was referred to and since I was sent to only really
qualified prospects I had been told something about, my income soon
quadrupled.
All of my
time was now spent on selling, not on looking and searching all over for
prospects.
Your success
will be expanded tremendously when you learn how to easily get other
people to connect you with people they know that would be a prospect for
you.
Here is an example
from my real life experience.
While in England, we were window shopping in a craft
shop. In the window were some interesting three dimensional pictures made
from multiple copies of photographs. So we went inside.
They had a class just
meeting on how to make those type of pictures. I paid the fee and took
part in the class (my significant other went shopping for an hour
elsewhere).
I spent an
interesting hour learning this and chatting with the six local ladies (who
were likely all married) and we all got well acquainted.
It occurs to me that if I
had been looking to meet women while I was in England and I had asked them
if they knew of any local ladies that would like to meet an American guy
for coffee, I bet I would have instantly gotten several referrals.
To do this more easily you
need a few tools (aids). Business cards are just as essential a tool for
you as they are for someone in sales (you can even make your own with your
pc and printer). For more on tools, read here
Everywhere you go and of all the people you meet, few
will be prospects, but nearly all will know someone or will meet someone
in the future that is a prospect for you.
Therefore, if you have all these people recruited and
delighted to be continually bird-dogging for you, it will absolutely amaze
you the matching quality of what gets scared up with little or no time or
effort on your part.
With this source of a steady flow of new prospects,
you are able to enjoy much more of your time dating, not prospecting.
............
We are advertis'd by our
loving friends. William Shakespeare
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
COMMITMENT...... Received an e-mail from a lady who needed an answer
as to how to handle her one year relationship with her male friend,
....why he still refused to commit.
Since this seems to be a question asked quite often
and since we try to be a complete source on the subject of dating again
and had nothing on the subject, to fill the gap, I put this response
together for her. You can read it .... at the web address where I work on
articles,.... So if you want to look at the uncompleted, unedited article
version,
here it is...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Merry Christmas We do wish everyone a peaceful and happy holiday
season. Here is a Christmas Story we would like to share with you...... go here You may want to
share it with others.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What you get when you cross
a reindeer and a pickle.... http://www.singlestalkshop.com/pic1.gif ">click
here
The best Saddam Chuckles Picture two
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter
#25, 12/01/03
BACK IN
CIRCULATION
The usual
getting back into dating thought is to go on an all out search for Mr. or
Ms. Right to rescue you from the pain of divorce and loneliness.
You finally have one that
says "Hi there" and you latch right on to them. Turns out you were just
not what they were interested in, and you are devastated.
You were so needy others
resign the job of trying to fill your needs.
What are the real statistical odds of you ever
meeting and maintaining a significant other using this off and on
emotional roller coaster serial monogamy finding someone to fill your
needs, searching system?
Almost nil odds, and you eventually give up on it,
and settle for Mr. or Ms. Wrong.
You spend tremendous effort trying to mold and change
who you met into what you need in your life now. Cruel fate, they refuse
to shape up.
,.,.,.,.,,.,.,.,,.,..,
You wonder how some people seem to have all the luck
in winning contests and prizes and/or in meeting the "right" people.
Turns out you discover, that
these winners are entering 50 or 60 contests every week and you are
entering only one or two or none.
So quite naturally, they are the one winning the
prizes.
When it comes to
meeting the "right" people you will find that those that are having all
the luck in meeting the interesting people are talking to and getting
acquainted with a LOT of people each week.
You can too.......
Nope...... you do not have to talk to people you are
uncomfortable with.
Start out talking to those that show some interest,
........start out talking to the easy ones.
Everywhere you go.....people standing in line at the
grocery store that seem friendly.
Practice talking to people everywhere you may be.
Talk to everyone, drop the
idea that they have to look like or measure up to your Mr. or Ms right
preconcieved standard.
What do you say?
Easy......... ask a question about your mutual
present environment or current situation. Make it a question that requires
more then a yes or no answer.
Surveys have shown that people that have the most
luck, smile over twice as often as those that have little luck.
You say you don't feel like
smiling?
Fake it....
Did you know that you can
not fake it more then 60 seconds, the feeling catches up.
The people who exhibit
closed body language close their arms and legs and orient themselves away
from the person they are speaking to.
Those using "open" body language aim their body
language and their body directly at the person they are talking to,
uncross their arms and legs and use many gestures that expose open palms.
This open "body"
language and a disarming smile "attract" people to talk to them and these
surveys found the most successful people used three times as many facial
expressions (smile) and open body language as those not succeeding.
The more people you talk to
at a party or event or anywhere, the greater the chance of meeting
eventually what may turn out to be a dream partner or a lifetime friend.
This is just the start,
the chances and probabilities of succeeding long term are not only
dependant on your ability to attract (people magnet) and get to know a lot
of people, it is your ability to be trusting and be able to form close
relationships with others of both sexes and develop a solid network of
friends.
START A NEW
HOBBY......
Collect
people......Make friends.....and then try to keep in touch with them all.
Keep in contact.
Be
completely sincere and authentic, no pretending......
90% of your success with
significant dating relationships, dream partner, etc. will come not
necessarily with, but as a direct result of this network of friends.
STOP SEARCHING FOR MR. OR
MS. RIGHT
Concentrate
instead now, to build initially the solid network, a foundation of friends
and single family.
If
you develop 100 friends on a first name basis and they each know 100
friends on a first name basis, you are then only two handshakes away from
10,000 prospects.
Once
more, we are telling you that 90% of your great "chance encounters" that
turn out to be "biggees" will come through as a result of your having this
network of friends.
Remember, it takes only one such great "chance
encounter" to change your life.
TO fully DEVELOP PEOPLE SKILLS...practice, practice,
practice.
When you make
it a point to chat with people everywhere you go, you get practice and
learn to be comfortable, relaxed and enjoy it.
With lots of practice you
become good at meeting people and you will find yourself automatically
developing many friends over time.
Be interested in people and they will be drawn to
you. Learn how to listen, not just talk to people.
Develop a relaxed fun
attitude about meeting people. Stop being rigid about who you talk to, and
for heavens sake stop considering whether they are a prospect for the Mr.
or Ms. Right quest.
Remember, your dream encounter is likely not in this
basic 100 starter friends, they will likely show up in the jewels of the
10,000 they know and will eventually connect you with.
Be open to surprises, new
experiences and new people.
Go out of your way to put newness and change in your
life. Take a different route, shop at a different store. Maximize your
chance opportunities for new people and new experiences.
Make a great effort to keep
in touch with further contact with the people you meet, maintain these
relationships by keeping in contact and this is another whole subject in
itself which we have articles on. It is very important.
Do not be afraid of
rejection. If it is a factor, http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/rejection1.html"
>go here and read the Rejection series. It will
never be a problem again.
If you go to a party hoping to meet Mr. or Ms.
Wonderful, you are likely to be disappointed.
If you just go to add to and maintain your network of
friends you will have a successful night and who knows you still have a
shot at a significant encounter.
Learn to relax....(again that is another set of
articles) get rid of uptight stress......Learn to Relax and get to where
you make meeting new people a fun thing to do.
MEETING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE
IS NOT SOMETHING THAT just HAPPENS,..... IT IS the result of SOMETHING you
DO.
You meet and develop
friendships with lots of "someones."
One day as a matter of these contacts and friends you
will have a special someone appear and float to the top, like cream does
in whole milk.
It just
happens, It is automatic as a direct result of what you have been doing.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
In case your kids are
upset when you start going out here is an article we just posted on the
subject, go here...
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Here is our lighter
subject for the day... MACHO KID.... Go
here
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #24, 11/15/03
Self Limiting Your Dating Prospects
When you start dating, you
will normally start looking for someone to date that fits you within your
limited comfort zone.
You will be comfortable dating only people that are
very similar in personality to your ex because that is the type of
personality you are long-term familiar and comfortable with.
Any dating prospect much
different than that will likely be "scary" and uncomfortable.
If you were married to a
wife beater, you will tend to find that type of personality again and feel
"comfortable" with another one.
You decide this must be the right one for me, they
just feel so right...(comfortable)(familiar). (You find out about the wife
beater part later...when remarried).
What you have when you date someone far different
than your ex, is stressful and you are not at ease because they are out of
your "familiar" experience.
This means you are probably not comfortable and not
enjoying being with them initially.
You need to understand that you need to keep at this
"uncomfortable" to get you to where you E X P A N D your "comfort zone" to
a wide range of people..
We hear all the time all sorts of crazy restrictions
placed on who they will date and what they are looking for in friends and
dating prospects.
Most
of these restrictions are self-limiting and self-imposed, keeping them
from dating a lot of great people, and is a result of you sort of acting
as your own jailer and limiting your own life.
We say... Let yourself out,
allow new types of people into your life, expand your world, and yes it is
scary but it gets to be great fun and you grow as a person.
You can grow more as a
person in your first year of your divorce than you did in twenty years of
your marriage.
You will
do that through and grow as a result of the many single people you connect
with in many different ways.
Each different type of person will expand your life,
your thinking and widen the range of what you are no longer uncomfortable
with.
(Expand your
comfort zone)
This
includes friends and dating prospects and even in building your new
singles family. You can gain from each person you interact with.
We tell you to remember the
old axiom, no pain no gain. No discomfort, or nothing scary, means you are
not expanding your life.
When you go out initially and latch on to "someone"
comfortable, namely someone like your ex, (permanently) you are limiting
yourself essentially to reruns.
Yes we know........ You tend to want to go back and
"repeat" what was a known quantity of what is (or was) comfortable and
familiar.
We tell you
not to latch on to anyone person for at least six months.
Now is the time to expand
your comfort zone, your range of people in your life.
Now is the time to be
exploring, doing things with many different types of people, taking risks
doing these new things with all kinds of people, (outside of your initial
comfort zone) with no artificial self imposed limitations, (out of the
rut) and allow yourself to get into really living.
It becomes a real rush of
excitement like you have never known before.
This is how, when you meet old friends a year from
now, you can honestly report, I have gone from the worse time of my life,
(divorce) to the very best time of my life, and it gets better all the
time.
Let=92s try
comparing this to when you go out, in this strange new place you find
yourself in, you will tend to always eat out at McDonalds, it is familiar,
consistent and is a known quantity and quality.
You know what the food is
like, it is comfortable and it is familiar. (safe bet).(no risk)
Let us say there are thirty
places to eat out in this new place you have moved to.
In the first six months, for
example you make a special effort and you allow yourself to try all 30,
even though you know you might get heartburn at some and you had a
preconceived notion there are some you would likely not like but you go
ahead anyway and allow yourself to try them all, because you are solely in
charge of you now.
You
will discover, by taking some risks, some really great places to eat out
of the 30, and some of them will be surprises that you normally would not
even have allowed yourself to try under your old self imposed ideas and
limitations.
You will
now look forward to going out to eat with great enthusiasm and relish,
because you have found there is more to eating out than McDonalds.
You have expanded your life.
You have discovered a whole new world of eating out and have grown as an
enthusiastic "living life to its full potential" person.
Remember, you are your own
jailer, drop your old self-imposed limitations, get rid of your
expectations and demands, take risks and let yourself out.
Turn the key, discover,
expand and become comfortable with, and allow yourself out to enjoy this
whole new much wider world of people that are readily available on the
outside of your self limiting box.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"You may delay, but time
will not." -Benjamin Franklin
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A MANS PREFERRED SEX
DAYS
A recent study
found out which days men prefer to have sex.
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual
activity on the days that started with the letter "T".
Examples of those days are
as follows:
Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday Thunday
././././././././././././././././../././././././././././././././.
Officially Single
Yet? When are you officially "Single".? Here is an article with some thought and yardsticks
on that subject. click here
Dating before the divorce is final..
We have many articles we
have written on the subject..... Here is some
advice from a guest author with some well thought out thoughts on the
subject. Dating During Divorce Isn't Wise, by
Judge Anne Kass click here
Judge Anne Kass has written 93 articles which we have
posted on the subject of the legal aspects of children of divorce and
other great articles on the coming apart process and how they affect the
legal process. We know most of these have nothing much to do with dating,
If you want to be informed, this is the best information source on the web
go
here......
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Conquering a CHEATING
heart..... If you had any thing or connection with
cheating by either party of your divorce or in your dating relationship
you may want to understand more about how it works. To get a new insight
into understanding it, not usually written about... go here.
* * * * * * *
If someone has forwarded this newsletter to you and
you would like to subscribe, just send a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
Copyright 2003 by
Harlan. L. Jacobsen
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #23, 10/19/03
This free "Dating Again" newsletter is sent
only to those who subscribe. If a friend sent you
this and would like to get your own copy every 2 or 3 weeks or so,
subscribe at bottom of page. (Unsubscribe anytime, same place)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
This issue we are going to
talk about some of the findings in a study of 3,500 singles age 40 to 69
which I assume (guess) makes up about 70% of our readers.
This June 2003 study was
sponsored by the AARP magazine and you can go read it for yourself in its
entirety and even print it out. (over an inch thick of pages) go here This study has a lot of information on
what other singles are doing and what is working etc.
What I list here is
condensed, my phraseology and interpretation of the findings.
According to the study about
a third of singles are into "exclusive dating" and about a third are into
"non-exclusive" dating.
We took up both last issue and we reminded you that
they used to call "exclusive dating" back in high school as "going steady.
We called the non
exclusive dating..."casual dating" which means you are dating whoever and
whenever you choose.
The
study says about 9% dropped out from dating, some being "burned" (my term)
and saying now..."who needs em".
We try to help keep you out of the traps that upset
you so bad you "give up" and drop out for life.
We try to tell you what we
have observed will likely make your love life "hum along merrily" and not
be this roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs.
We can both learn a lot from
this study.
The study
says that 13% are "hoping" but just not having much luck.
(we are working to move you
out of this one)
They
state that 14% would get interested in dating again only if Mr. or Ms.
Right rode up on their white horse and said... "Hi there."
They said 7% of single men
and 3% of single women preferred the same sex... so we wont go near that
one....since we have no expertise in that area.
Significant is the combined
same sex and drop outs means about 15% of the single population is off the
"market" so to speak......and these reject any "traditional dating
approaches etc".
Understand of course that you, when new to dating,
have little or no way of recognizing who these people are that if you
approached them would mean certain rejection.
The main reason the study finds for dating at all is
to have someone to talk to and/or do things with. (49%)
Apparently the "drop outs"
just get a cat.
They
state men want the "sexual dimension built in."
The second reason to date is
"simply to have fun." (18%)
Not expressed is whether sex falls in that "fun"
category, but they did find that 11% of the men list sex as their "main
reason" for dating.
Not
sure why women seem to claim that all the men they date seem to only be in
that 11%.
Only 2% of
women say that they date to fill their "sexual needs."
Note to men: sorting out the
98% is the hard part.
Women they say claim in the study that they are
looking for a pleasing personality, (whatever that is) a sense of humor,
and common interests along with the right personal, moral and religious
values.
The having a few
bucks is listed as being important for women, but they call it "financial
stability."
Not sure if
this means they are getting their welfare check regularly or not.
Men like all these things
too, but add in "physically attractive" and "sexual activity.
For meeting people, they say
friends, relatives and work are still the best bet....
(We have been trying to tell
you why "friends in abundance is the key to meeting dating prospects)
Single organizations,
matchmaking and online are moving up fast as a way of meeting and are all
starting to compete with "going to church."
29%, they say, are "having difficulty finding
dates..."
This
apparently means the other 71% are not having difficulty finding dates.
We hope to help get and
keep you in that category.....
Interesting that 34% of men and 21% of women say they
would co-habitate if in a committed exclusive relationship.
31% of women say they would
get married vs 25% of men.
Now comes a statistic from the study that we need to
talk about after last issues....back burner concept....
They say 47% of the men and
52% of the women feel that it is "cheating" if you date two people at the
same time..... even if "you've never agreed that the relationship would be
exclusive.
Wow...that
blows me away.....
In
other words if I date you once according to your expectations, then I am
frozen and you "own me" until I quit dating you......
Guess what.....I would opt
out and quit dating you right now....if that is the condition......
Now maybe you can figure out
why a lot of people only date you once......
Here is a story I tell in the classes from real life
experience that illustrates this....
I had not seen Michele in the dating classes for a
week or two and ran into her at the Safeway grocery shopping......
I asked Michele, I am
curious, have you gotten around to starting dating yet...
Oh yes, she said, I went out
once a couple weeks of ago.
You haven't gone out since?
No, she said, I don't need
to go out again.... I met a really nice guy and I am so excited.....he
liked me and took my phone number.
Has he called....?
No, he has not called, its been a little over two
weeks but I am sure he is going to call, we really got along great.
Her expectation...she took
her self off dating.... making new friends and meeting people because she
"met someone" she liked.
Casual dating is dating whoever and whenever and you
date someone on that basis - everyone involved should know this.
When you both agree to an
exclusive dating arrangement where you both date "no one else," then if
you dated someone else that would be "cheating."
You make dates with
interesting people. A date is a contract for sharing a period of time. You
can specify in advance if you like, what the date activity is to be, such
as going to a concert together.
If I go to a concert with you tonight, that does not
mean I can not go dancing with someone else Saturday night, and then ask
with a clear conscious if you want to go to the balloon races Sunday
morning with me.
I
understand newly singled who have been married and fastened to and "owned"
by one person for 20 years, have a problem with that concept, but lets get
real here.....
When you
got divorced... now, no one owns you nor do you have any right to first
dibs on ANYONES time, nor should you have an expectation to "own" anyone
until you get involved in what you BOTH agree is an "EXCLUSIVE"
relationship.
Until then
you nor they are entitled to any expectation or demand that they "date"
only you AND you have no justification to be upset when they date someone
else.
You should also be
dating other people and you are totally free to do so. You should also be
out continuing to meet new people, developing new single friends and new
dating prospects.......
Sitting by your phone for two weeks waiting for
someone to call because you liked them is absolutely bizarre.
In the dating classes I was
always on the lookout anywhere and everywhere for any long time single
that seemed to be doing great on developing good relationships.
Whenever I found one....I
would ask them, and not inquire as to how they were doing it... I'd just
say...can I get you to talk to the class for a half hour on how it works
for you and what has succeeded in making your dating life work.
So it was always a surprise
on what they were going to say.....and I of course learned from every one
of them because I attended ten years of these classes without fail.
This one lady, who was
really not attractive at all, probably in her fifties and did not stand
out or appear as someone who really had the dating thing going her way...
and as a result her talk and what she had to say blew everyone away......
She said she had about
ten men she saw and dated regularly. She said her ex only wanted to sit in
front of the tv and drink beer.
Now, she dated different people for different
reasons, because she said, you never find anyone that fits everything.
She had one man who liked to
come over to her house and fix things. When her toilet would not stop
running, he would come over and fix it.
He even came over and did routine maintenance. When
his coveralls needed mending, he brought them over and she sewed them
up... this had gone on for years... That was it....sum total of the
relationship.
She had
another guy she dated every Wed. night and they just loved dancing
together. They had a really great time together
every Wed. night and she had never ever found anyone she had so much fun
dancing with.
That was
it.....sum total of the relationship, dancing.
Then she had a guy she went
to foreign movies with every Friday night. Had never ever dated anyone
else that liked her kind of movies and this guy loved foreign movies. This
has been going on for a long time also. That was the sum total of the
relationship....
Then
she had a guy she went skiing with.. There are many more
examples...but I will just tell you the punch line....that blew the class
away....
She said she
met a guy that was really sensational in bed and really knew how to ring
her chimes....they had nothing going compatible otherwise and absolutely
the only thing she did with him...was she had sex with him... several
times a week whenever either were interested.
That was the sum total of the relationship.
She related how she had
gotten good at meeting men and thereafter never had any trouble meeting
men. After all these years I still remember one tip she shared with the
class.....she said, if nothing else is working... about 11 clock at night
go down to the 7-11, the security guard is almost always "available."
The class was really shook
up that here was someone who was very ordinary looking, was not considered
attractive or anything apparent going for her and she had the opposite sex
dating thing completely under her control.
She had the best of everything....no wonder I had
detected and picked her out as some one who was happily leading a top of
the ladder life..as a single person....
If she could do it....they felt they certainly could
too...
Maybe this has
little to do with 49% thinking you own someone if you date them once...
but it will help expand your thinking and maybe help you realize you are
your own jailer, with all these erroneous expectations and demands you
connect with anyone dating you.
Only you can let yourself out......you have the key.
MORE ON THE STUDY NEXT
ISSUE... To read more about correcting your
erroneous expectations and demands go here:
http://divorcerecovery101.com/happiness.html this page is not about
changing your dating, it is about changing your =93set in cement=94
programming that is keeping and limiting your life from soaring.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Lose just one ounce per day, there will be 11.4 pounds less of you in just
six months.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Worlds worst opening
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last week at the VD clinic?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Over 1000 helpful links for
singles. It took us over six months of hard work to put this resource page
together. Singles switchboard, go
here
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of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #22, 10/11/03
This dating again newsletter is sent to those
who subscribe and are interested in learning more about "what works" in
adult dating the second time around.
If you just met Mr. or Ms. Wonderful and need to stop
learning or for any reason want to unsubscribe, see below.
If you have any friends that
are scared to death about getting back into dating or are "bombing," send
them a copy of this newsletter and suggest they subscribe, instructions
also down below. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
This is the "BACK
BURNER" ISSUE
When you
became divorced you not only lost a partner and lover, you lost a
dream.
Many were far more
in love with the concept of marriage than they ever were of their spouse.
So when the spouse left,
the dream of the white picket fence, the coming home and dinner was
waiting, the welcome kiss at the door, the kids playing in the living
room, all that "in love with marriage," went with them.
Many, when getting back into
dating now, are not really looking for a great relationship, they are
looking for someone that has a good possibility to reinstate the "dream."
They measure them up and
if there is no possibility of that, they will not waste their time
"dating" anyone that shows no promise of reinstating that "dream" for
them.
Three Kinds of
People
1. Dumb, never
learn 2. Smart, learn from their mistakes 3. Wise, learn from others' mistakes
You
learn from "others" that the long term happiness ratio and success with
this "search for and latching on to a dream reinstater," is almost nil.
Continuing with this all
out quest is a mistake "many others have made."
You are certainly free to
pursue it.
Animals never
learn from those who have gone before them.
Each generation makes the same mistakes.
Human beings have an
advantage, they can learn from those who have gone through what they are
going through.
We have
invested 32 years into learning what works and what seems to not work and
pass both on to you.
Therefore in this matter, in our classes on getting
on with life, we passed out a simple rule:
NO MATE HUNTING FOR SIX MONTHS OR MORE AFTER DIVORCE
Most are suffering
severe pain from the end of a long term relationship, they were addicted
to the relationship, and when that person is gone and the relationship
ends they go through "severe withdrawal pains."
They erroneously conclude
that they must have "really really loved them" or they would not feel all
this pain.
They
absolutely have to get them back.....
They knock themselves out trying...crying, anything
to get them back and stop this "pain."
Finally, after months (or even years) they realize it
is not going to happen.
They dash out to find someone new to fill the gap and
"stop" this agonizing "relationship withdrawal pain" like an alcoholic no
longer able to pass a liquor store.
Anyone will do....
This newly found person stops the pain....
Then they erroneously
conclude.....
This must
really be the right person, it feels so good......... they make me feel
good again.
When they
split, (and they will) then we have devastation, even worse than the
divorce loss.
Some never
recover from this second severe emotional shock, erroneously conclude they
must be totally undesirable and defective, then withdraw for long periods,
even for life, from the "dating and relationship world."
So....... Rule number two...
DATE..... BUT NO
"LATCHING ON" TO ANYONE FOR SIX MONTHS OR MORE..
Sure you can date someone
regularly, this just means...."no promises."
What this means you are right up front with the fact
you are not into any "exclusive" relationships for six months or simply
put you are "not ready" for exclusive dating right now.
The high school term for
this, was "going steady".....remember that one?
The mutual expectation when
going "steady" is that you stop going out to meet and stop mixing with
other singles, stop adding new singles to your network of friends that you
do things with.
Nor
adding new people to your "singles family" and certainly not adding anyone
new, to your list of dating prospects.
Unfortunately, your supply of singles for all of
these important parts is like water stored in a large water tank, with a
slow leak.
With this
type of leak you need to constantly be adding to it or it soon becomes
empty.
If your
"exclusive" dating arrangement lasts for any length of time and then ends,
when you try to go back your supply of single support people you needed to
thrive will have most all leaked out.
They become "unsingled" like you were, move away,
etc. and just drop away from non attention on your part.
Date someone regularly if
you like, with both of you knowing both can, are free to, and should also
continue to be socializing with and even continue meeting new people and
prospects in addition to dating others.
Most newly divorced will conclude that after 20 years
of being with one person, the very idea they can date or have more than
one person on their dating roster does not feel comfortable.
Therefore......
Not having the courage to
stretch their "comfort zone" to new dimensions, they are only into and
limit themselves to what is known as "serial monogamy."
One relationship after
another.
......Have to
be absolutely sure this one is not coming back and is "over" before
allowing themselves to meeting or dating anyone else.
This results in emotional
ups and downs (highs and lows), a dating roller coaster with such severe
ups and down that it can literally make you sick.
Many can not handle the
resulting emotional turmoil and get off (withdraw from dating).
You alone (not parents, not
spouse, not any new single friend) are now in control of you....so "you"
can allow yourself when dating to continue to meet people, maintain a
whole network of single friends and a singles family of close single
friends.
In addition is
dating several people at the same time, called "casual dating."
Eventually, when you get
"overbooked" you will need to decide what the maximum is you can
participate with and have on your "active" dating roster before feeling
fragmented.
Let's say to
illustrate this, that you have a four burner stove (you decide how man
burners you have).
You
also have some back burners or equivalent of a warming oven.
Let's say you can
comfortably have four things cooking at one time.
More than that and it gets
to be too much, so you limit yourself to .
Any more dating prospects than that, you need to let
them know you are interested but are just overbooked (your burners are
full) right now.
Let's
just say you put them on one of your back burners or waming oven for now.
When one on the front
burners is done or gets off the stove you can move something up from the
back burner or warming oven, but not until then.
You need to continue to meet
new people and keep adding a new prospect you would eventually like to
"try cooking with," you simply just put on the back burners for now.
If one on the front burners
boils over, or is ruined, no big deal...you now have ample supply and the
opportunity to move something you looked forward to try, up from a back
burner.
Nobody, during
this six month's practice and perfecting your cooking skills, can "do it
to you." If one cooks to a crisp, you won't starve, you will hardly even
notice they are gone.
True, you may have wished some had "cooked" longer or
turned out better, and never lived up to your gourmet expectations, but
eventually everything gets better and better when you find out what's
worth cooking, and what's not.
To then be able to make room for new and constantly
upgrading possibilities.
Your emotional dating health will merely have small
highs and lows, and what's "cooking" sort of hums and bubbles along
merrily......
Only after
six months of this "practice cooking" will you be an expert on "you" and
your cooking abilities.
Only then, will you have fully gained an accurate
knowledge of what is available and (who) really deserves to be on the big
front burner (on "high" on your stove full time.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED
One fellow says, every
time he went to a relative's wedding, one or other of his elderly Aunts
would come over, poke a finger in his ribs and chuckling say...."you're
next."
He said he
finally figured out how to get it stopped.
When he saw them at funerals, he would go over to
them, poke a finger in their ribs and chuckling, say, ......"you're next."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
If you would like to
talk about getting into dating again with other folks in the same position
try "chatting" with other newly singled by going to our "talk it out"
site: click here http://singlestalkshop.com
It is free of course and open 24 hours. Simple to use
and No waiting.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Did you know we have
four Free newsletters? Two (similar but for different regions) edited by
my daughter Janet. We have an address for all four, on one page click here You might want to sign up for our free
courses which you will also find listed there.....
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Todays bumper
sticker.... I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk.
Alcoholics go to meetings.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #21, 9/28/03
This newsletter
is sent only to those who subscribe. If you were sent a copy by a friend
and you would like to get your own free copy every two or three weeks or
so, then see how to subscribe at the bottom of the page. If you have met
someone special who thinks you should not learn any more about love and
romance or whatever they think you are learning here, you can unsubscribe
at the bottom of the page. If they dump you, you can always resubscribe at
the same place.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
We can not develop a
relationship for you.
Reading the greatest book on the subject or attending
the greatest relationship course won't do it for you.
Even watching those good at
it, succeeding at a great rate, won't do it for you.
To succeed at playing the
piano....you have to play the piano. Watching others play wont help.
To succeed at developing
relationships and romance, you have to become an active participant.
This is why we tell you to
practice, practice, practice. By becoming an active participant you will
find we can help by giving you insights, suggestions, guiding you through
the scary parts, and offering you encouragement.
You expect one day to find,
develop, or be discovered by Mr. or Ms Super......
How will you recognize them
or keep from letting them slip away, if you have no active experience in
adult dating?
To learn
this skill and ability you must be open minded, patient, trusting and not
easily discouraged. You must be willing to experiment, get out of your
traditional comfort zone, be flexible, and not take it all too seriously.
Enjoy yourself and have
fun along the way.
You
want to be able to look back two years from now when someone has you all
wrapped up in a package, that this was a great time in your life.
We used to tell the story in
our classes of the painter who decided he was not going to paint until he
found the perfect scene to paint. He searched and searched for years.
Finally he lucked onto the perfect scene to paint.......he took out his
paints to paint this wonderful scene, and do you know what......I would
ask....?
One class, a
guy says, I bet all his paints had dried up..
That too, but he discovered that he no longer knew
how to paint.
This is
one of the reasons why we want you to avoid any thought of "mate hunting"
for six months. Now you are meeting and dating just people that are fun
and interesting. Practice dating as a fun challenge to get where you are
comfortable and having a good time.
You and they, are neither one expected to be perfect
at or even good at this dating thing.
Remember, you are not yet ready for Carnegie hall,
(nor Mr. or Ms. Super) you are just practicing and as a result you can
expand your dating pool and possibilities that you practice with, and
doing so expands your comfort zone.
While just "practicing" adult dating and developing
relationships, you can let go of your long time rigid expectations and
demands, plus you are now no longer finding it necessary to measure them
up with your "lifetime mate" (or the "perfect scene" yardstick.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
a friend is like a good
bra...
Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always lifts you up Makes you
look better And Always Close To Your Heart!!!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
To see a great airbrush
paint job.....go here
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
CRACK POT FRIENDS sent
by a friend
A water
bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which
he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a
crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full
portion of water to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the
bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishment, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot
was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to
accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter
failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed
of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver
only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out
all the way back to your house. The bearer said to
the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the
path, but not on the other pot's side? That's
because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on
your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered
them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would
not be this beauty to grace the house.
Moral of the Story: Each of
us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked
pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have
that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they
are, and look for the good in them.
Blessings, to all my crackpot friends.
Harlan L. Jacobsen <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
If you have been sent
this newsletter by a friend and would like to subscribe, send a blank
email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #20A, 8/14/03
Last issue we
pointed out that a person such as a newly singled rancher on a ranch in
Montana has a different problem in working back into the "dating again"
scene than a school teacher in L.A.
This issue we will lay out some plans to get your
relationship life on a flow situation (automatic) (fun) no matter where
you live.
When you first
get back into dating again it will seem a little scary and uncomfortable
and quite often "disappointing".
Something you likely did last as a teenager.
Dating again no matter where
you live is going to be entirely different this time around and what
really worked for you last time will likely now turn out to be a complete
dud.
In our
http://datingagain101.com dating site we have articles to get you to what
we call "realistic expectations" to make you aware that the competitive
situation for you as an adult has changed drastically.
What I am trying to point
out here is that many go out and find it so different than they expected,
they often bomb or get burned the first time out so badly, that they go
home and do not feel up to venturing out again for six months.
What we want to impart here
in this issue is that you need to set up a schedule, or program if you
will, of time and energy devoted each week to your socially meeting,
mixing with and dating other singles.
Last issue we compared dating again to learning to
play the piano...... That after you get past the basic drudgery and
scales, etc. and can play it without thinking about it, (automatic) then
it starts to become fun.
This issue we might compare it to your learning to
ride a bicycle, after really working at it and a few crashes, it
eventually became automatic, and as a result, fun in itself and not only
that after getting really good at it, it allowed you to get around and
expand your world.
You
need now to get into the habit of devoting a certain amount of energy and
effort each week on a regular basis without fail, to meeting, interacting
with and dating other singles. Also reading up and becoming better
informed on the subject on a regular basis.
Do this on a regular basis whether you are a big
success or not, eventually you will become comfortable, it will become
automatic and fun as you eventually figure out what works where you live.
We can give you a long
list of what works for different people in different areas and what works
one place or situation will not necessarily work another.
Over my lifetime I have
likely started and operated at one time over 50 different businesses and
still own and operate seven.
So when I had heard some bright idea or example of
someone operating a business that might work for me I visited a lot of
people all around the country currently operating that type of business
and asked each what was working for them, that might work in my area.
Here I suppose I can give
you some "bright ideas" that might or might not work or even be a viable
option where you live.
Your best bet however is to do what I did, talk to
people who are doing it successfully and ask them what works or is working
for them to meet interesting compatible singles.
What do they recommend you
do to get started? I would ask singles from both sexes...where do you go
and what is working for you in meeting and dating singles.
When you are finally finding
some place where you can meet and mix with singles in your locality, and
you need a conversation starter, I would use this one as a universal.
Say this for example......"I
am just new to this singles social thing and I was just wondering where or
what has worked for you in getting back into dating again."
Make this a habit and as you
practice adult dating you will also continue picking up information and
ideas that others locally use successfully that you can try.......
Therefore when you go out,
you are practicing meeting people, and learning "what works" for others
where you live that you can try.
If you get in some practicing and some learning what
works for others, you can consider it a successful day, or evening.
Soon you will be comfortable
talking to and getting acquainted and you will soon know "what works" for
you and what does not.
We suggest you invest a few hours and some energy in
pracice developing and maintaining single friendships during the week.
Perhaps on the internet,
personal ads, email, chat groups, or local singles groups.
Example: every Friday night
you find some place to go where other singles go, save Saturday night as
date night and if nothing going attend singles parties etc.
Sunday you might attend
local church singles groups functions, and Sunday afternoon dating time,
or whatever is going on that might be helpful. You figure out what works
in your situation and area.
The whole point here is that you do this on a regular
basis. You set aside time and energy (and a few bucks).
Just like riding the
bicycle, it will not be long before this is all automatic and no longer
stressful like it was initially, and now you will look forward to it as a
"fun" time.
A challenge
and no longer a threat.
Getting back to the Montana Rancher, there is a
singles magazine in Montana packed with cowboy types who seem to have
great success in meeting thru this publication. It is called Sweetheart
Magazine, $3.00 for a sample copy. Sweetheart
Magazine PO Box 514 St.
Ignatuis Mt. 59865
Not
sure of the status since one of the publishers was fighting cancer last I
heard. They also threw two or three state wide singles parties and when
there is any big singles event I would make darn sure I attended... no
matter where in the state since it will likely be months before another
one.
Our http://countrysingles.com and
associated newspaper have some readers in Montana and I am sure there are
other web sites that may be of help.
Again, when you run into or visit with any other
singles in your area, ask what has or is working for them in meeting other
singles. That is by far your best source.
An example, one single man told me that there are
square dance clubs almost everywhere and there are a zillion women who
have lost a spouse partner and can no longer go to square dances
successfully because of no partner. So single men are in great demand and
clubs get together with other clubs constantly so you are constantly
meeting new single people. Said if you did not know how to square
dance....no sweat....there were a zillion single women who would love to
teach you.... just locate a square dance club. You will often find a
square dance group just for singles... They all seem to have a big time
and develop a solid network of very close friends of both sexes.
Now comes the key to meeting
the right people as a single person. Surveys that we and others have ran
found that singles reported when asked where or how they had met their
most successful dating relationships, 80% were through friends.
Even if 49 of the 50 square
dance club members are married, they become good friends and knowing you
are single will keep an eye open, and introduce you to opposite sex
singles that they know and meet that they think would be "just your type".
This is why we tell you
over and over, just get out there and develop a solid network of single
friends. The really great singles dating propects will sort of trickle
down from that.
To
locate any type of singles or other group in your area I suggest you
contact your local library, ask for the research department and tell them
you need their assistance to find....a ...whatever type of local group you
are looking for.
Now,
the school teacher in LA.....There are many events for singles in LA but
the hard part again is finding them. All of the singles publications that
I knew of in LA, have all gone out of business but new ones do spring up,
so again, ask other singles.
(If you live in Phoenix....or plan to visit, go to
http://AzSingleScene.com or pick up a copy of the paper in newspaper
vending machines on the sidewalk in front of post offices and public
libraries, it lists dozens of clubs and events you can attend every day.)
Parents without
partners, a national singles organization has chapters in all the big
cities and even many small cities, it is a starting place if nothing else.
To attend you need to have had children....even if they are grown.
Go here and enter your state
to find a local chapter.
http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/chapterfind.asp
One single that wrote me an
email as to where to go....I suggested most likely to find would be
"parents without partners." He found a local chapter and attended a
meeting.
He reported
that it was like going to a rest home.... Well, now that may be true in
some areas but others have thriving groups with hundreds of members and
lots of good events. Like I said, you really need a starting place.
Let me tell you why you get
the wrong impression when you attend many singles groups...
Lets say we start a group
with 100 singles... Along the way over one year let's say 100 additional
show up at one event or another.
They meet and run off with the good dating prospects
that were in the group, so that mostly what is left attending is the non
dating, or non desireable or not ready for dating prospects.
Even if this is true....in
your local group etc. remember, there are others like you that stop by
checking it out, and if you are the only dating desireable person... in
attendance.... bingo....
The other can not lose benefit....is these still
attending people may have been single for a long time and they know what
goes for singles in your area....so that is why I tell you....no matter
how bad the singles group is....someone there can give you information you
need to find in order to locate the good places.......
There fore we tell you......
it is a START. You can not lose....it is worth the
effort. You may find people in your area on singles chat on the net that
know something of the local scene.....but often they are talkers not
doers.
What you want to
find out information from is the doers... (what's working?)
In large cities, there are
often singles parties and even individuals have great singles parties. If
you ask other singles where they go, they will often know of these type of
events and maybe get you invited to one.
You will not find these listed anywhere. You find out
about these only talking to other singles. When you develop this network
of single friends, you keep in touch and discuss, "what's working". <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not
me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
Will Rogers
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #20, 7/29/03
We write for a
wide range of singles that are getting into dating again, and includes a
wide range of situations and locations etc. as well as a wide range of
"new to dating" stages.
For example, if you become single on a ranch in
Montana, you have a different situation to cope with then someone who
becomes suddenly single in L.A.
There are some fundamentals though that will help
both places. So you experienced daters just hang in there, you just may
pick up some ideas you have been unaware of that may expand even your
dating possibilities.
First of all lets just remind you that your dating
capabilities and comfort zone is like a muscle that has atrophied from
disuse.
Do not expect to
bring it back to full capabilities over night, or to be able to handle
dating big time right off without a lot of strain. This is why we suggest
you ease in with pre dating, mini dating etc which we have written about
before.
Next, do not
expect to be very good at it or successful at first. We tell you, go out
to just "practice" dating. You do not have to be a big success right
now....you are just practicing. getting back (muscles) dating "condition".
Spring training getting
ready for the main season.
When you are "just practicing" you do not have to be
so selective, you can practice with a wide range of folks. You will pick
up experience with each one and will gain some surprising "life expanding"
experiences you would not have had if you just stuck to and repeated your
old "comfort zone".
You
dislike anything you are not familiar with and you are uncomfortable
initially with people a little different then what you have been around
for years.
All of these
new people in your life and new experiences will be "uncomfortable" for a
bit, and you will be stressed out, but each will expand your life and you
will grow more as a person in the first six months after your divorce then
you did in ten years of marriage.
Many think they are in or should be in, an all out
search "to replace" their recently lost mate.
We tell you that you should be out developing a
network of single friends and you will develop dating prospects along with
and as a result of that and over time and dating many people, you will
develop a big relationship that is "right" for you when you are
ready......
Sort of like
cream automatically rising to the top.
To have all this work for you, you have to get
"dating" and meeting people to a point it is, as an automatic thing, that
is like learning to play the piano, lots of work, practice, practice,
initially, drudge no fun work....but after a while you get it on
"automatic" and it then becomes fun.
When there, it just flows......and happens....
Nope, reading books on
playing the piano, and /or dating, newsletters etc is not going to get you
to the "automatic" fun stage.
Practice, practice, practice......and a little
coaching by the piano teacher... correcting what you are doing wrong etc.
Many starting out expect
to make beautiful music right off.....believe me it does not happen.
You are not going to be
playing at Carnegie hall right off.
So where does the newly singled rancher in Montana or
the teacher in L.A. start?
Remember, in both areas, your meeting and mixing
dating (ability) muscle has atrophied.
You are going to need to set up a specified time and
a specified amount of hours each week, like clock work that you are going
to devote without fail, to "exercising" (practice) your meeting, mixing
and dating skills.
This
sort of learning and "comfort zone expansion" to get your relationship
life to "flow" as an automatic (habit) thing, is called "spaced
repetition."
This means
you have to stick with it, week after week, to where you get your self to
the point it actually becomes a part of you... It becomes something you
are good at and it is something you do because it makes your life "work".
Next newsletter we will
lay out some plans to get your relationship life on a flow situation
(automatic) (fun) no matter where you live.
If you have friends that are still stressed out about
sticking their little toe in the dating again water, send em a copy.....
this might help.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Proverb: Hear and you
forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Study up on
http://datingagain101.com on what ever you need to know more about. Search
any of our sites for articles on any subject with key words in the new
"search our sites" section, top left column.
If you are not subscribed to this newsletter and
would like to be, send a blank email to: dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
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Dating Again Newsletter #19, 6/29/03
Did you ever get
involved in a relationship that you knew was over but you stayed in
because you just couldn't get up the nerve to end it?
Probably because you were
expecting a big hassle if you did?
Lots of people telling you how to get into
relationships, but hardly anyone telling you how to end one.
Many avoid and are afraid
for example, of getting into a committed or any kind of dating
relationship because it is often a real pain to end one if the
relationship does not work out.
This issue we are going to tell you a way that seems
to work, that is called the sandwich that you can put in your tool kit for
not only ending relationships with less hassle, but use it for all sorts
of things in people to people (like your kids) where you need to set
"limitations".
Go here to read more on "HOW to end a
relationship......."
This normally works surprisingly well, (better than
expected) and the person the subject of the sandwich is for, usually finds
it hard to react badly when a relationship is ended using the
"sandwich."
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You no longer need to
stay in bad relationships, the sandwich is a useable tool, just like
"refresh" on your computer works to "update".
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FELLOW AUTHOR-RESEARCHER
WANTS TO INTERVIEW DIVORCED LADIES 40-55
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Connie Collins, a
contributing editor for MORE Magazine, the sister publication to Ladies
Home Journal, has written us about some "contacting" help since she is
doing an article on "Healing from Divorce and celebrating a new life."
She needs to interview women
who divorced AFTER turning 40 and are now between the ages of 40 and 55.
She is NOT at all interested in details of the marriage or reasons for the
divorce.
Article will be
about what women do for themselves as they go forward in life. Some women
she says buy a new pair of shoes, throw out all the sheets they slept on
with their x-husband, others take trips, go to rock concerts, enter
therapy, join a hiking club or go on Match.com.
There is no "right answer"
to the question. One woman she notes, wrote a simple note to her husband
thanking him for the gift of their 3 children.
Women must be willing to
give their true age and supply a recent photograph.
Any help you can give Connie
I am sure will be greatly appreciated. Any one interested can e-mail
Connie at: Ccollins15@nyc.rr.com or
call her @ 212-265-4383.
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ADVANCING
RELATIONSHIP-KEEP IT BALANCED TO AVOID SUDDEN END
===============================
One of the most misunderstood problems of dating
again is developing a sense of what is "balance" in moving a relationship
along.
Men tend to go
overboard in trying to advance a relationship fast, whereas women are more
well now, I am not really interested but I am willing to explore getting
to know you.
One of the
most informative things I learned from Dr. Bach who wrote the book
"Pairing", while doing some workshops we sponsored, he told me that his
researchers in interviewing hundreds of people that were in good long term
very successful and happy relationships was that 80% of these couples,
when they had first met had no initial attraction at all.
This blew out of the water
the idea that bells should ring when you first meet and you should both
know on meeting, that this is the "big dating prospect" you have been
looking for.
The bells
ring thing on first meeting theory is a usually short term hotsy totsy
thing and may have even worn off by the time they leave in the morning.
In other words that
mutual solid attraction that we like to talk about usually builds over
time as you gradually get to know each other.
The hazard here that keeps many from really getting a
chance to know each other over time is that one or the other pushes moving
closer at a rapid rate.
This person calls every day, sends flowers, does
everything they can think of "to keep this one from getting away" and the
very thing they are doing to make that happen actually drives them
away.....
The other
person thinks, well I was a little interested in getting to know them but
they have the wrong idea here, I am not that interested, so they decide
they must end it.
The
relationship interest was unbalanced, you might call it, for want of a
better explanation.
Let
us use the see-saw down at the park as an explanation to understand a
little on how this works.
If you are both out at your end, then the seesaw
moves and you both participate, it works, and you can have a good time
together. If one of you rapidly moves in toward the other, (the center of
the seesaw) without the other one having time and moving in some too, then
their end hits the ground with a bang, they suddenly get off and the see
saw abruptly falls on your end and you get rather shook up.
The lesson learned here is
that you can not move in without them also moving closer or the
relationship becomes "unbalanced" and is in danger of being "ended".
If you make a move that
advances the relationship, then you have to hold off and wait for them to
move to advance their end of the relationship... if they do... you can
then move in another step and wait again for them to to be ready to move
in closer too so the relationship stays in "balance".
This can all take some time,
one usually has to wait somewhat for the other to catch up and move
closer.
This process
seems to develop a close sound relationship by getting to know each other
and "grow closer together".
Not saying here that some times bells ring and you
both hear chimes right off at the first meeting. Just be aware, that is
not the usual way big long term relationships have developed though it
does happen.
Maybe you
are one of these people I see stop by a singles event with 200 singles in
attendance......... after being there 5 minutes, says, lets go Melvis,
there is no one here.
You might want to consider giving up on finding
someone that rings your chimes on first sight, and this process of hopping
from here to there hoping and hoping to find that chime ringer.
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KEEP IN TOUCH WITH
PEOPLE YOU MEET AND DEVELOP AS FRIENDS WITH EMAIL AND IM.
================================
You can communicate with your single friends and keep
in touch with little time involved and no expense.
Here is an article we
mention in case you are not familiar with the fact asking for phone
numbers is old hat....now you ask for their IM. go
here
When you ask
for a phone number, they have to consider is this someone that if I decide
we have nothing in common is going to harrass me with phone calls?
So it is much easier to ask
for and GET an IM since they know they can cancel you for good with one
click.
When you see
something helpful, interesting or fun, share it with your new singles
family via email and IM.
Just knowing you are still thinking of them.... is
important.
Caution: Many
are irritated when you constanly enmasse to a whole bunch of people, send
out mediocre run of the mill jokes etc.
Just pass along the real jewels and anything you come
across that you know they are into and you are by doing this letting them
know you care enough to know and remember what is of special interest to
them.
Someone sent us
this file and though not sure where this came from (we would like to give
them credit) we were so impressed we pass it on to share with you.
Think about this....if you
are worried about your children taking up smoking....maybe you are worried
about the wrong family member.
Go to http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes.htm Right
click on the "Right click here to download another reason not to smoke
(1.8 meg. real video)" link. Choose "save target as." This will download
an mpg file to your computer so you can view a Real Video file.
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THANKS FOR SENDING US SOME
NICE FUZZIES. WE HAVE FELT STARVED TIL NOW.
Last issue we ran the Fuzzy story and suggested you
practice becoming a more "giving" person and to practice this giving out
fuzzies wherever you go, we suggested we were fuzzy needy and for
practice, send us a fuzzy.
2% of the number of subscribers sent us a fuzzy,
including some with suggestions on how we could do things better, which we
appreciated especially.
In live classes, you get almost instant feedback, in
online help here we hardly even know anyone is out there... so thanks for
the fuzzys.
Always much
appreciated by entire staff.
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Daughter Janet has a new
article that may be of interest just posted on the Dating again web site,
Six Dating Mistakes To Avoid....go here
We have recently added a search engine from Google
that will search our individual singles web sites, see top left front page
of http://datingagain101.com Google has on file about 80% of our articles
on these sites.
Our
divorce page on site uses a different search engine that searches 100% of
that site and is updated monthly, right column bottom of page.
http//:divorcerecovery101.co
If you are not subscribed to this newsletter and
would like to be, send an email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
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If you don't learn to laugh
at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. Will
Rogers
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of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #18, 6/9/03
This is supposed to be a newsletter that
encourages you to get out and develop new relationships, a network of
single friends, and a singles family....of people for support.
This newsletter we are going
to cover a couple of subjects, one that some say I should not post because
it is just too "depressing" for women who may already be "depressed". But
I post it anyway, because I think it is something you should know in
dealing with your new reality as a single person...
Hang in there guys, .....you
are going to like this one.....
When you were last single you had some dating
experience and what we are bringing to your attention here is that things
now, in dating as a mature adult, are entirely different then when you
were last single.
Do not
expect to use the same tactics nor expect the same results as last time.
Some figure that their dating life is all but over.
Look at the first chart and you will see if you are 45 you have half your
good dating life ahead. go here... http://www.datingagain101.com/competition.html
This is a
new article just posted.
Who ever you were interested in when dating as a
young person, you had competition, others interested in the same person
you had an interest in. You still have competition, but it has changed
drastically since you were last single.
Now if you are a woman 75 there are about 4 or 5
women for every man still standing..... that does not happen
overnight...it happens gradually along the way.....
If you go out and there
seems to be little interest in you as a dating prospect, understand that
there probably is not really anything "wrong with you" it is just that
things have changed and it is more difficult to have the success you used
to have and expected when you were a much "younger" person..
Just like when the job
market is booming you can easily find a job anywhere....
In a depressed market you
really have to change your expectations and demands. Also expect to try a
lot of things you have never had to do before and really hang in there and
LEARN how to find what you want in a tight market.
Expect to expend a lot of
effort, read up on what works, and really get out there to have any hope
of success.
You can
still have and expect success but you just have to correct your
expectations and demands to the current "market" and expend a lot more
time and effort to expect to have hope of the kind of success you desire.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Here is something that if you grasp the idea, and put
into everyday practice, can change your life.
This is three pages we have just added to the web
sites. We ran this in the divorce newsletter, but I consider it so
important that singles that are in the "I am a guest in the world now, so
do it for me" mode need to change it promptly. Until they do, they are not
going to have the success and happiness we have been leading you to
expect.
It used to be
when I wrote a highly motivational article I hoped to change, maybe 80% of
the people that read it for the better. Then I revised it to 10%, and now
that I am older and wiser, I am realistically hoping for maybe 2 or 3 per
cent.
I was always
disappointed, until I got into changing my expectations and demands. In
case you are interested, that step can change your life too.....here is an
article I wrote on that....Revising your expectations and demands. http://divorcerecovery101.com/happiness.html
In our courses we ask at the end of the course that
they send comments, good or bad, the only thing we ask.....(no money no
credit card etc._)
Out
of every 250 that take the courses one sends the requested comments.
We
ran this Fuzzy story, on making you a "giving" person as opposed to the
usual newly singled "taking" mode and sent it with the divorce newsletter.
We asked that for
practice that the divorce recovery newsletter readers send us a "fuzzy" so
they could start live practice and get into the habit...
Well, out of every 100 who
read "the fuzzy story" and that issue of the newsletter we received 2 "practice" fuzzies for every
100 subscribers.
That
turned out be twice the percentage that sent requested "comments" on the
courses... so we "changed" 1% perhaps with the fuzzy story to at least
"practice" being a "giving person."
Go for our warm and friendly Fuzzy story here and
follow through with part two and three which are continued on at the
bottom with click here... http://divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzy.htm
If you did not catch the bottom link....Then read how
to give out warm and friendly fuzzies freely....and get in the habit.. go
here http://divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzies.htm
If you missed the bottom link to this part.....Then
we have our starved for fuzzies...practice request.....go here http://divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzies_wanted.htm
Somewhere I rewrote the fuzzy story and used giving
out "delights" instead of the word fuzzies... When I find the article I
will run the giving out "delights" story.
It was more understandable because every person you
gave a "delight" to was "delighted." ===================================== Improve
Your Emails With Expression Emoticons (emotional icons) are used to
compensate for the inability in your romantic emails to convey voice
inflections, facial expressions, and bodily gestures in written
communication. Some emoticons are better known as "smileys." Emoticons can
be very effective toward avoiding misinterpretation of the writer's
intents. While there are no standard definitions for the following
emoticons, we have supplied their most usual meanings. Most emoticons will
look like a face (eyes, nose, and mouth) when rotated 90 degree clockwise.
:-) Expresses happiness,
sarcasm, or joke :( or
:-( Expresses unhappiness :] or
:-] Expresses jovial happiness :[ or :-[ Expresses despondent
unhappiness :D or :-D Expresses jovial
happiness :I or :-I Expresses
indifference :-/ or
:-\ Indicates undecided, confused, or skeptical.
:-Q Expresses confusion: :-@ Expresses shock or screaming: :-O Indicates surprise, yelling or
realization of an error ("uh oh!") OTHER
MEANINGS :) Happy person :( Sad person :-) Happy
person with a nose :-( Sad person with a nose :--( Person who is sad because he or she has a large
nose :-D Person laughing :- )) Very happy :-| Person unsure of which
long-distance company to choose ;-) Person so happy they are crying
: -Q Person who just had cybersex and is now
enjoying a post-coital cybercigarette :-{8 Person
who is unhappy with the results of her breast-enlargement surgery %-) Confused :-/ Skeptical. d:-) Smiley with baseball cap :-P Tongue sticking out:
and here is the one you
need... :-* cyber
kiss....or :-X blowing a big
kiss Just read that Smileys are no longer the
"in" thing but I thought you might find them useful and/or fun.
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We are unable to
afford to advertise our sites since we have no income from the Internet
since we make no charges and sell you nothing.
Single people drop off the
single activity list when they get married or develop big relationships
etc. so we lose subscribers and users constantly from
"graduates."
Therefore our sole source of new users to make these
sites and newsletters worth the trouble and continuing, is counting on you
to tell your newly singled friends about these free sites and
newsletters.
Thanks....Harlan
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #17, 5/14/03
In dating, we
are often sacrificing the maximizing of the "now" by concerns of what may
happen in the future...
Will this relationship last? I think that I need to
know that so I can determine how to value this relationship.
All relationships have a
beginning, and middle and an end.
Some relationships are like flowers that are annuals;
they only last so long and that is it....and there is absolutely nothing
you can do to save them; however you can kill them (relationships can die)
sooner.
Other
relationships are like flowers that are perennials and last several years,
but you can kill them sooner..
You should be thinking.... how to get the most for
this moment, at this time in my life.
Many have bought in to the idea that if this
relationship is not going to last forever, it is not any good and I need
to get out of it......
It is a myth that you can not have an emotionally
fulfilling life unless you have a long term relationship.
Research shows that the best
thriving people have had four to seven big relationships.
It is a myth that short term
relationships keep you from getting long term relationships.
WRONG:
Actually, they help. They
help to keep you from putting too much pressure on a potentially long term
relationship.
Another
myth: Short term relationships make you shallow.
WRONG:
Being good at short term
relationships helps you greatly to grow as a person. Each relationship
helps you grow and improves your "depth".
You "grow" primarily through relationships and you
will grow more as a person in your first year as a single then you did in
20 years of marriage.
Yet another myth: People that engage in short term
relationships are "using" people.
Using is different then "abusing". In all
relationships, each is "using" the other.
We need to acquire the dating and people skills to be
honest and "real" quickly and learn to be able to end relationships with a
minimum of pain.
One of
the biggest pains in relationships is being "trapped" in one that has essentially "died" (we will be having lessons on
that subject of "getting out" next issue).
Many "sabotage"
relationships with you because they do not know any other way of how to
get out of them painlessly.
(You may have become a victim of that already and
never did figure out what was going on.)
In addtion to inadequate "leaving skills".........
Most have not yet
learned the basic skills of developing NEW relationships quickly.
As a result, many try
desperately to cling or "hang in there" in an expired relationship
refusing to "let go" because they are afraid they may not be able to
readily develop another.
Their calculation is "any relationship" is better
then no relationship at all...
Like the old saying, "bad breath is better then no
breath at all."
You need
to understand that "dating" is a process... Sex is a process.... Neither
is a product.
You see a
fisherman and ask if he has caught anything? (product "fish") He says no,
and you say "are you having a good time"....?
He says yes, he is............. in other words he is
enjoying the "process".
What I am doing right now is what counts......NOT....
what I will have later.
Sex, like fishing, is not a product (orgasms) it is
an enjoyable "process".
Dating is a process, FULLY ENJOYING what you have
RIGHT NOW, not something you may have
later.....................................................
................ Old saying.......Men have many
complaints about women..... Women have only two complaints about
men....Everything they say....and Everything they do. ---------------------------------------------------------
Next issue we will tell you a simple formula to
exit out of an expired relationship easily with little trauma on eithers
part. ......................................................................
If you find this useful,
send it on to a friend, or have them subscribe by sending a blank email to
dating_again-subscribe@topica.com + + + + + + + + Talk Shop about single life at our http://singlestalkshop.com easy to use way of
listing what's going on in your single life, enter questions for
discussion participation.
Top of Page
Dating Again
newsletter #16, 5/3/03
This issue we
are going to tell you what you need to remember to be able to get a
conversation going and being able to meet anyone by saying the right
thing.
You will only
need to remember two words.
You won't have to write this one down....you will be
able to remember it.
This works and applies to using it both by men and
women, it works both ways.
You have by now, I am sure been exposed to books and
tips on memorizing ten great opening lines etc. on how you can meet
people. We have boiled it down to your remembering just two words......but
in addition we are going to tell you a very important thing or technique
you need to be aware of or all of these clever opening things will often
be nullified.
You will
also in addition to remembering these "two words" you will need to learn
in addition make it second nature, to use this dating "horse sense" we are
going to give you here, as one of the keystones of getting past the
opening "get acquainted" stages.
First let us review this "two words" to remember...
just remember, to easily get acquainted and a conversation
started......... "ask questions".
That is all you have to remember.................ASK
QUESTIONS.
Got that? Ask
questions that require a longer answer, not just yes or no etc.
We are sure you can figure
out how this works and we have articles on it....but basically after you
have asked two questions and they do not hold up their end of the
conversation and show some interest, then move on.
Here comes the horse sense.
You are NOT and should not act like a TV interviewer.....asking a series
of nosey questions... and if you use their method you will be unsuccessful
in making great connections with new friends.
Whenever you carry on a conversation with the
opposite sex (applies also to same sex) (get the habit) you should learn
to do this technique automatically. Not just for this opening get
acquainted system.....
FIRST.... share something about yourself or where you
are on this question, BEFORE you ask the question.
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME HERE,
do you know what time the band starts playing?
I WAS JUST DIVORCED IN
DECEMBER AND NEW TO THIS BEING SINGLE, are you a "friendly" single person?
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN
THIS SUPER MARKET, do you know where the dairy case is?
Now this is just a few
examples of how you lead with first "sharing" where you are on the
subject, before asking a "BREAK THE ICE" question.
Now asking the SECOND
QUESTION, same thing........... first share where you are...on the subject
of the question,
I JUST
MOVED HERE FROM OHIO LAST MONTH.....do you know of any good singles groups
or dances in the area?
If they have not picked up the conversation with some
interest I would not go past two questions on these "first time" meeting
encounters.
If they
respond with something of their own and show some interest, then keep it
short and cut it off saying, I have to get back to...........(whatever the
situation is,) back to my friends etc. NICE TALKING TO YOU..... and as you
start to leave, turn back and say, by the way "do you have an email
address or IM?
(e-mail
addresses are easier to get than phone numbers.)
IM are easier to get also
because they can limit or cut off your access any time in a minute....
unlike if they give you a phone number you may become a "phone" nuisance.
If they say "yes I do
have",......... I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE YOUR EMAIL OR IM
ADDRESS. bring out your paper and pencil and hand it to them. When they
are almost finished, say, WHY DON'T YOU TACK IN YOUR PHONE NUMBER THERE
TOO.
Say next....my name
is.......(whatever it is) Thank them, and move on....do not dilly dally...
If you get practiced and
can do this without being "stressed about it" you should expect about 90%
success rate if they have shown some interest by adding to the
conversation.
As a total
novice expect better then 50% success even on your first 5 practices.
If you are totally new to
this.....share it... THIS IS MY FIRST TIME GETTING OUT MEETING NEW PEOPLE
SINCE MY DIVORCE AND I AM A NERVOUS WRECK. How long have you been single?
We will take up getting
further acquainted and moving a relationship along via e-mail and IM in
future issues.
If you
missed out on understanding using IM in the dating again world, go here.
http://datingagain101.com/im.html
If you are already using IM
you might find our acronym (IM shorthand) list helpful, print out and send
a copy to your friends. http://datingagain101.com/shorthand_im.html
If the ex got the computer,
remember this e-mail and IM thing works just as well on the free PC use at
the library (or at work).
If you are not up to speed on using computers, email
etc, ask the librarian to show you how to get a free email account you can
check and use from anywhere.
Note: When I have been overseas, or out of the
country, such as China, Peru, Italy etc. you find cyber cafes everywhere
where you can use computers to check (or send) your back home email. (very
few cyber cafes in US) but everywhere overseas because it is often their
only access to the internet or a pc. Usually a couple bucks an hour. We
even e-mailed home pictures everyday.
In US travel, you can find a public library almost
anywhere, and use a pc there to check your
email..... There are some cyber cafes in US but few and
far between. If you have a list, half have gone out of business by the
time you get there. So count on the librarys.
Some of you summer overseas
vacationers may not have been aware of the availability of this way of
being daily in touch with "back home".
Be sure you have an outside email service that you
can access from any computer for this purpose, such as hot mail.
So send your new friends an
email from overseas or US travel. This will let them know you are thinking
of them..... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Our new http://sexagain101.com now has 8 parts up on the
series and soon we will be adding dozens of other articles as we get
time.
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| | | | | | Tell your friends about these sites and newsletters
and don't forget the http://singlestalkshop.com where you can jump on
the net and talk about what ever is on your mind. It is easy to use.....
copyright 2003 by Harlan
L. Jacobsen
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter #15, 4/5/03
This newsletter is designed to help you in getting
back into dating again...... Today we are going to take up where "married
again" fits with this.
Someone said they were ready for "marriage" but they
sure were not ready for this "dating thing".
Evidently this type of person, the only reason they
are subscribing to this newsletter, is looking for help to speed them back
into the "familiar" married state.....faster; seeking tips and techniques
to help them "escape" as soon as possible from this sentence "as a single
person" that has somehow been imposed upon them.
They are wanting to learn
what they need to do to "graduate" from this temporary state. Some can not
really admit they are single. Their marriages are just on "hold."
Dating is "something they
may have to tolerate and go through" only because it seems to be the only
way to accomplish their "goal" of getting back into being married again.
Those married for twenty
years were "comfortable" being married, they were familiar and had lots of
"experience" being married.
Almost half never wanted to be single and certainly
never expected having to go through the dating thing again, last time
experienced as a teenager, this time as an adult.
For these folks, we should
write a newsletter, "how to get married again in 60 days."
If their main goal is to
"get married again," almost all can do that fairly easily, and quickly.
All they have to do is find an opposite sex person that "has the same
goal." Bingo....
Their
goal is not to lead a happy successful life, their goal is only "to get
married again." This will likely turn out to be an unhappy mismatch, their
goal never was to be happily married, only married again. So they buy a
wash and wear wedding gown and just "keep trying".
Their sole dating purpose is to "sort out" from the
dating scene, those opposite sex people who have also been looking to
escape single life, and look on "finding" a willing participant also
looking "to find a mutual escape."
Quite often the pain from separation is very severe
and they are so "lost" in cold turkey sobering up from the end of an
addictive relationship (also addicted to the concept of "marriage") they
subconsciously decide if they could get "married again" the pain would be
gone. Almost anyone "willing" will do.
When you regularly play "basketball" it is a chance
to have fun with others and it adds to your enjoyment of life. When you
play basketball to try and win a scholarship into college it is strictly a
means to an end. When you date to "get married" it is a means to an end,
not to add to enjoyment of your life.
Many have "programming" that says "I have to be
married to be happy." Therefore, since they are
tired of being unhappy they are off on a quest.
What many do not understand
is they were not so much in love with a person, in their "starter
marriage," they were and continued to be in love with the institution of
marriage. Their partner and "love" left but they did not fall out of love
with the institution of marriage, so they are just "on hold" as a single
until they can "revive and reactivate" marriage.
This newsletter is certainly
intended to be geared to improving your dating life, the second time
around, but it might be helpful to understand where many are coming
from.
You may not be in that category mentioned here but
you are certainly going to run into many in the dating scene who are. You
will often erroneously conclude that you must have something "wrong with
you" or you are not desirable etc. You must have done something wrong that
turned them off etc. because they are not interested in dating you or do
date you and dump you. Because unbeknown to you, it became clear to them
you failed the "marriage prospect" test.
They can not come right out and say, I am only
interested in you if you are on the main road looking for a marriage
partner, they will have to pretend at least that they are not sorting
dating prospects by readiness for "marriage".
If nothing else, maybe we got you to think about what
real reasons and just why you are getting into "dating again."
Remember, our experience and
observation of "what works" is that you ideally date a variety of people
and types for a year before the word "marriage" even enters your
thinking.
Get your single life working so good that you are not
seeking to or escaping single life, that it really has to be really
something sensational for you to even consider changing your status.
We suggest you change your
goal from "getting married" to a goal of "learning to lead a happy life".
Once you have that cake, marriage would be a consideration, only if it was
the frosting on the cake.
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>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
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Some wag said, "all
marriages are happy," it is right after the ceremony the problems start.
.........................................................................
Since getting involved
in sexual relationships is a "touchy subject" we are starting to post our
numerous "sex articles" on a new separate site we call http://sexagain101.com We have dozens of articles to post and are currently
posting a part or more a week of an eight part series, so stop back there
regularly and we will be adding as we get time to do so.
******************************************************
We have no funds for an advertising budget to let
people know we have help available. We count solely on you to spread the
word. Tell your friends about these newsletters, about our sites, such as http://datingagain101.com and http://singlelifecoach.com that are designed to
help with information, tips and techniques and let them know they are all
free, open to access 24/7. The chat board we maintain as an online support
group..... http://singlestalkshop.com Is Easy to use... Create a singles community on the
web...a safe place where newly singled and well adjusted long term singles
can both ask questions, offer advice, share concerns and experiences,
laugh, cry, learn. Talk therapy, no appointment necessary. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Next issue we will give you Harlan's "two word tip"
that makes it easy to remember how to get conversations started with the
opposite sex.
copyright
2003 by Harlan L. Jacobsen
Top
of Page
Dating Again
Newsletter #14, 3/11/03
If you enjoy this newsletter, please forward it to a
friend. They can subscribe by sending an email to dating_agai-@topica.com
* * *
You are sooner or later
going to want to try placing your listing in online dating sites, on your
own web site and personal listing in singles newspapers and other
publications.
There are
great advantages and some cautions that come with this method of
multiplying your chances of meeting someone very compatible and mutually
looking for the same things in a relationship.
We have been running
personal ads in our newspapers with good success for 32 years and have
determined what seems to work. The advantage of the newspaper is that it
has high coverage in your specific area and with people that have some of
your same local interests.
The newspaper personals have a paper trail and you
will normally expect less need for the higher level of cautions and
potential for deception that is tied to meeting on the net.
Use of newsroups, chat, etc.
on the web to meet potential dating prospects have worked well for many
and we will take those up at another time.
About half or more of the
singles now days have access in some form to the internet. Those that
wound up without the pc in the big split up, still have access at the
library, at work or at friends.
The advantage of the internet is it is fast with more
prompt response and getting something happening. The disadvantage is that
a large percentage will be GU (Geographically Undesirable). The world wide
web does mean you can develop the equivalent of "single pen pals" all over
the world. The number of people on the web is constantly increasing and
single people looking for relationships will spend more time online than
average.
Some call the
information you post about yourself on the web or in a personal ad in a
publication as a "personal profile". This listing and how well it is done
will determine not only how many responses you have, but will also
determine how close those that do respond fit your requirements.
Those sites on the web and personal ad publishers
that allow pictures should be taken advantage of because even if you are
not exactly the most attractive person physically, the photo or photos
help make you a known quantity and that increases your
responses.
You need to list your physical statistics and leaving
out your weight or some reference to the subject for example will cut
responses drastically, suspicion being that since you do not mention it,
you must weigh 300 pounds.
You will need to define what type of relationship you
are looking for and perhaps how long you have been single, whether you are
just new to dating the second time around etc. The more they know about
you, the more likely they are to respond.
Many tend to put in so many
restrictions or requirements for the person they want to meet, that they
will get few or no responses. A man that seeks to meet a thin attractive
woman, will get almost no response because many very attractive women do
not consider themselves "attractive".
A woman that lists what she wants to meet as a
college grad, 6 foot, non-smoker, non-drinker, must like kids, cats,
horses and must be financially secure, will get few
responses.
These are restrictions that limit your responses. You
need to list only restrictions that are absolute. In other words in my
case, non-smoker would be my one "absolute". If you smoke, do not bother
responding because it would be a waste of your time and mine. That would
be my only absolute. I may have some preferences, but do not need to list
those. Some will not meet some of my preferences but I will find that they
often make up for it in other ways.
Let the responses roll in
and then sort the wheat from the chaff. Take some
time to put together a profile that sounds like you, and projects what you
are like. Then you probably will get some responses that are mutually
prospective relationship material.
You will likely want to use this profile over time in
a lot of different ways including putting up a web page with photos and
information about you.
We have been working on showing you how to do this
easily but it has required considerable time to write up the options and
"how to's" you have in doing this very inexpensively.
There are many advantages to
doing this and it is very inexpensive, often even free and we will take
that up later also.
Once you have your profile finished on a word
document, spell check it (important). Then store it on your pc. This way
you don't have to type this over and over again each time you want to use
it.
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The attached email
here is from a lady that exchanged several emails about 9 months ago with
me about her having a hard time being divorced and alone for some time in
a small town in Kansas. I suggested she run a free personal in our Country
Singles midwest singles newspaper, which she did.
This email arrived in
Feburary.
Im not sure
you remenber me Harlan but i just wanted to say thank you, I was very
lonely and starting to get depressed after being alone for 13 years, I
asked you to help me find that one special man out there for myself and
boys, I'm not sure how you reached him but you did, we were married in
December in Fort Smith.
I met several nice men but there was no spark, I was
fixing to give up when I got an email late on 7/29, Randy said he held on
to that paper he bought in missori for a few months, said he circled
several ads but mine was the only one with kids, said he didn't want to
get invoved with a woman with kids, said he threw the paper out the window
of his semi into a trash can, said the page with my ad on it blew back
into the truck, said he held on to it a few more days then decided it must
be some kind of sign, said he had to ask another truck driver how to send
a email from his cell phone and tryed it, I just happened to be on the
computer when he sent it at 11:30 that night, would you like to hear the
rest ...thanks a lot my friend, Glenda ......................................................................
Janet has run the second
half of her article on arranging "Lunch Dates" in the Single Scene and
Country Singles newsletter, to read it, go here, http://azsinglescene.com/archives/newslet/2-26-03.txt //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have a 12 part series of articles on "Dating
Again". So far we have found 3 of them and have finished "scan read" html
code on one of them. Go here for part one... http://www.datingagain101.com/dating_again.html ..........................................................................
Practice safe eating --
always use condiments. * * * Please help with our quick social survey at http://www.azsinglescene.com/survey.htm
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter 2/12/03, Issue
#13
In this issue: Review
about dating skills Painter Story Primary Relationships Lunch
Dating <><><><><><><><><><>< Review on gaining dating skills:
My thought was to write more
here on what we have been talking about in gaining dating skills as a
mature adult.... Then I noticed I wrote something years ago that is still
fitting the situation so I just copied and am running it here......
DATING THE SECOND TIME
AROUND?
Realize and
admit to other singles you are a novice a t dating again and that it is
perfectly normal and okay.
In fact, it is an advantage because you can say "I am
just new to dating and I'm not ready for that yet."
1. Gain a basic knowledge of
skills. You have the desire to date again, or the intellectual decision
that it is something you need to do, but you do not yet have the knowledge
or ability to do it wisely or comfortably.
To gain the necessary knowledge, read books, attend
classes on relationships, workshops, seminars, etc.
2. Sort out and discard old
programming that is outdated or immature for you:
A. You are no longer a
virgin.
B. You can't act
like a dumb 17-year-old.
C. Gain a new maturity (painful to grow up).
D. You are now an adult and
you can sort the wheat from the chaff. This stranger is not a
hazard, they are a friend I haven't met yet.
3. Stick with the learning process all the way
through for six months. Don't stop learning just because you found
something that succeeded.
Resist the temptation to stop learning, just because
someone says, "Hey, you're nice. I would like to take you home with me."
4. Re-decide on your new
programming what is more appropriate than your old programming.. Set goals
on what you are going to accomplish. Visualize daily and see on the
motion picture screen in your mind what you want to happen actually
happening.
5.
Experiment. Don't knock anything until you try it. Can I learn to be
comfortable with ..?? Find and enjoy the real you for the first
time. Discover what your style is, your rhythm, etc.
6. NOTHING WORKS UNTIL YOU
DO. TAKE ACTION, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.
Aristotle said, "to learn to
play the flute you have to play the flute".
To learn to date again successfully, you have to get
out there and practice dating. Have as many "practice dates" as you want
or need to, to really learn how to date. In addition:
A. Attend dating and
relating workshops, participate in exercises.
B. Get as much time as possible in practice dating
and relating with a lot of different people
initially.
C. Set up a
weekly dating plan.
D.
Stick to it for a specified period.
E. Make a commitment to yourself, "this" is what I am
doing.
F. Do it long
enough and regularly enough that it becomes automatic. Once you have
mastered bicycle riding, it's no longer a lot of work balancing and
pedaling, it is just plain fun .......................................................................
PAINTER STORY Marcia had
attended dating again classes for several months, and I asked Marcia why
she had not started dating. She replied she was "fussy" and just had not
yet met the "right" person.
To illustrate this problem that many had, we used to
tell the story about a painter who decided he was not going to paint at
all until he found the really good, perfect scene to paint. He looked and
looked everywhere and finally one day at long last he at last found the
"perfect scene" to paint.
He set up his easel. Then I asked "do you know what
he discovered"? Some wag in the class hollered out....."all his paints had
dried up". Well, now that was probably true. I said but the punch line is
"he discovered he did not know how to paint."
Another illustration is like the dog that chases
cars. You likely would not know what to do with it even if you caught one.
The reality is, you are
likely never going to meet Mr or Ms Right, (or at best meet them when you
are in the rest home.)
You are probably best advised to have to do the best
you can in the mean time with Mr. or Ms. "Close Enough." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Reminds me of a story, a gal went in a bar with a
canary on her finger. She said "which ever one of you guys in here guess
the weight of my canary the closest, I will sleep with tonight."
No one said a word. Finally
a drunk at the end of the bar looks up and says, (you do the drunk slurred
accent here) "well I would say about 20 pounds", and she says, "that's
close enough". <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Primary Relationship Last Issue we told you we
would show you how to handle it when you discover you are dating one
person you really like much better than all the others and you would
rather spend all your time with them.....(this often happens when you are
parallel dating) (dating several people at the time with no exclusive
dating).
This option
"primary relationship" here is when this "favorite relationship" becomes a
big issue. You discuss this with them and develop or change this one to a
"primary relationship". You both need to understand and agree on the basic
rules of this primary relationship.
Your primary relationship person will have first dibs
on your dating time. You can both go to singles events etc.( continue to
develop new friends and acquaintances,) alone, but dating time is
"whenever they want to be together with you" (date) you drop everything
else and make yourself available. They agree to do the same.
If you want to go out on a
date Saturday night you ask them out first. If they are not available and
you still want to go out, you are free to date someone else. If they are
out of town for a week, you are free to date someone else. If you are out
of town for a week, they of course will be free to date someone else.
If your primary relationship
(agreement person) wants to go out Saturday night, if you planned some
thing else, you scratch it.
In contrast, an exclusive relationship (old high
school term was "going steady") in contrast, means you date only one
person and do not date anyone else and you stop going out to meet new
people..
This primary
relationship thing we are talking about here is an "in between", and
actually works for those not yet ready to "get attached" with a big
commitment..
You gain
additional time to gain dating experience and insight without yet getting
involved in a total commitment "biggees" too early.
Your primary relationship
person knows they are special and not just one of the herd. You know they
consider you special.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< More on Lunch Dates We have recently suggested Lunch
dates as part of your easing into gaining dating experience. 1. You hardly ever get turned down since it is not
using up any of their class A dating time. 2.
They may not consider you much of a dating prospect from first impression
and would not accept a traditional date but will give you a chance to get
acquainted with a simple Lunch date. 3. If you
say "meet for lunch" and/or "get better acquainted over lunch" perhaps you
arrange it to be a not obligated to buy and it can become a dutch "buy
your own lunch date". Many prefer this and are often more likely to
accept, since they are in no way obligated. Or if you do buy it's not half
as expensive as a dinner date. So even if you think you can not afford to
date, remember you do have to eat lunch anyway. Might as well eat lunch
with someone "interesting".
Janet wrote a piece, Part one on How to do a Lunch
Date in the last issue of our newspapers newsletters and you can read it
in newsletter archives here at http://www.azsinglescene.com/archives/newslet/2-03.txt >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Tell Folks.....REMINDER We
have no budget to advertise these sites maintained solely to help newly
divorced and widowed people. Newly singled will find out about it and get
help from them only if readers like you (word of mouth) tell them about
the sites and newsletters. Next time you attend a support group, class,
seminar, singles event etc. please do us and them both a favor by
recommending and telling them about these sites, newletters, and courses.
Remind them they are all totally "free". >>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Consider Subscribing to the Free Az Single Scene
newsletter, just send a blank email to singlesphx-subscribe@topica.com Those in the
midwest, Country Singles newsletter can be subscribed to by sending a
blank email to cosi-subscribe@topica.com Both will have Part
two by Janet on "Lunch Dating" next issue. * * * *
* * * * * * If you know someone else who would
like this newsletter, have them send a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com
Top of Page
Dating Again Newsletter,
01/26/03 Issue #12
Dating Again as
a mature adult is a learned skill and these newsletters are all about
gaining the mastery of that skill.
When you know absolutely nothing about a skill you
are unconsciously incompetent-that is, you do not know what you do not
know.
As you learn more
about dating again as a mature adult you become consciously competent, you
now know what you did not know.
With information and education, considerable practice
and experience you become consciously competent in becoming happily
involved again in opposite sex relationships as a mature adult.
Then with total mastery of
this skill you become unconsciously competent, meaning that you use your
newly acquired dating again as a mature adult skill, so effortlessly, you
do not even realize you're doing it. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>> One of the things newly singled are often not well
prepared to handle well at all is rejection.
You will need to study up on this a little and then
go out and "practice" being rejected.
When you get to where you regard "rejection" as an
aid in your getting together with the right people for you then rejection
becomes "an okay happening".
Go here, study and read up on it... http://divorcerecovery101.com/rejection1.html
Then go out and practice
being rejected. Prove to yourself you are no longer afraid of/or
influenced by rejection.
Another story: A really
sharp looking lady worked part time for our Phoenix newspaper for over 12
years.
Shortly after
starting with us she went out to a singles event, met Mr. Wonderful and
for a few weeks was on cloud nine.
For whatever reason, it ended and she was devastated.
She went into overeating and in a very short time gained 25 pounds.
After she survived and
recovered from emotional trauma she decided to try again.
We watched as she painfully
went thru diet after diet and finally after 8 months of struggle got back
close to her old weight were she deemed she was now attractive enough to
date again.
To make a
long story short, she went out again, repeated the same thing and when
this ended put the 25 pounds back on faster then she had after the ending
of the first relationship.
To my knowledge, now about another ten years after
quitting our job, now much later she has shown no interest in ever losing
the weight again, (she has added even more pounds) nor any intention of
ever dating or developing any male relationships again. ...................................................................... This is what is known as "serial monogamy" dating one
person at a time. Starting another only after this
one ends. This is what most newly singled believe is what they are
supposed to do and is the only dating option they have considered.
This sort of dating for
mature adults, newly singled often looks on an emotional dating graph like
Mt. Everest highs and death valley lows. The graph would look like the
side view of a roller coaster.
You have heard us suggest absolutely no mate hunting
for 6 months. This is helpful in leveling the
trauma but perhaps, no "exclusive one person" dating for a year would be
more correct.
Serial
monogamy is dating one person at a time one after the other.
We recommend initially, (for
one year) parallel dating. This means dating several people at the same
time. You are free to constantly drop some from your list and you add
new.
This results in some
emotional ups and downs on your dating graph but has no wide swings.
You expand your life by
getting to know many different people, you find there are options far
better then your previous limitations and you learn what it really is that
you will want long term in a relationship.
You will learn with parallel dating that there are
unlimited great relationships readily available to you and no "one person"
can leave and take your happiness with them.
You will learn dating skills
that make dating non-stressful and it becomes fun, a challenge and it gets
to where it just sort of flows. .............................<>.............................. Next issue: We will take up what do you do when you
find one you like much better then any of the others you are dating and
want to spend all of your available time with just this one? * * * If you find this
useful, send it on to a friend, or have them subscribe by sending a blank
email to dating_agai-@topica.com
You might find out divorce
recovery newsletter helpful as well... send a blank email to divorce_recov-@topica.com
to subscribe.
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter,
01/11/03 Issue #11
This issue we
will start to take up the basic steps to acquire the needed knowledge,
outlook, experience and skills to happily succeed in getting back into
Dating Again. ............................................. Last issue we brought to your attention and cautioned
about many newly singled diving in to the scene unprepared and getting
emotionally burned. If you missed it, or to review it, see the archives at
http://www.datingagain101.com/dating_archive_newsletter.html
We remind you again that
in taking up this earth shattering activity as a "mature single" you
currently have no education, no training, no mentor to learn from, no
experience or practice in dating as a mature adult.
Why should you expect to be a big success right off
in this new acitvity with those impediments?
You think that since you were a big success dating as
a young person 20 years ago, you will knock em
dead again.
When you
eventually find out you have to unlearn what was true then and this is
now, it gets more complicated adding to the problem you may have. What
worked then will not work now.
So let's review how you get up to speed, if you are
new to the "dating again" world.
1. Read up on dating again on our sites and other
online material. Join in dating and singles online discussion groups, join
in chat that allows you to bring up questions you have on the subject.
Read archives of questions others had. Try our http://singlestalkshop.com Pick up some books at the library. Do a crash "self
education" project.
2.
Recognize that there are many different dating modes and others may not
currently be in the same one you are. Read newsletter # 9 the dating modes
listed in 1 thru 12. To review it, see the archives at http://www.datingagain101.com/dating_archive_newsletter.html Learn how to figure out where you are, and how to
determine what dating "mode" people you meet are in.
3. Go out a few times with
friends or alone to some singles activities, to just "observe" how this
goes and get some knowledge and become more comfortable of how mature
"dating works". Ask attendees where they go and what
works for them in meeting new friends. Learn from singles who have been
doing well in the dating scene for a period of time. When pushed to get
out of your early "observing" comfort zone, just use defense line, "I am
newly single and not ready for that yet, get back with me later."
4. Next, when ready, go out
to find and develop new "single friends". Practice talking to singles of
both sexes and just set out to practice developing friends and
acquaintances that are not "dating goals". Develop a "family" of single
friends. (read up on this)
5. Next changing your "outlook". Absolutely no "mate
hunting" for at least six months. You are going to just PRACTICE meeting
PRACTICE developing friends and PRACTICE dating a lot of wonderful single
people. During this time, develop MANY different
friends to fill many different needs.
The magic word here, this is just "practice" and you
may be, but do not "need" to be, a big success at anything. That comes
later.
6. To develop more "experience" you
start with a "mini date" for coffee after a singles event with a member of
the opposite sex. Do this several times and then move up to a few "noon
lunch dates". Keep at these and add some going to the park to feed the
ducks and that sort of thing and then when you are good at all these and
comfortable move on to bigger and better. Get feedback
from singles on what is working and what is not.
7. Initially, just date the
"easy ones" no knocking yourself out where your happiness, is dependant on
dating "one" certain person. Consider that for the first 6 months, most
dating relationships will be temporary. Looking at these new dating
experiences as Dating Practice will help. These are more "outlook"
modifications that work to help you handle and keep you from becoming an
emotional mess from new relationships after a divorce.
8. Dating again is a learned
skill. Like learning to play the piano, reading a book by itself will
never make you a great piano player. Watching other mature singles will
help, getting help and instruction, tips, corrections etc. will help see
that you practice the right things. With practice and more practice, you
will soon be completely comfortable, almost effortlessly making beautiful
dating music.
Go here to
read a more extensive article on the subject that I wrote several years ago. http://www.azsinglescene.com/archives/div4.htm Once More: Review: 1.
Study 2. Recognize Dating Modes 3. Observe, ask what works 4.
Develop single friends 5. Change outlook "to dating practice". 6. Simple Mini dates to start 7. Date the easy ones 8.
Gain the skills that work. ...............................................................
One of the best things I ever did as a newly
singled person was to have a "reject party" at my house. Somewhere we have
an article I wrote on the subject but unable to find it.... at the moment.
Daughter Janet just wrote a good one on what having a party can do for you
in the Country Singles newsletter she writes.
Go here...http://www.topica.com/lists/cosi/read/message.html?mid=906182656&sort=d&start=34
You may want to subscribe to Janet's free
newsletter. My name is all over that page but she writes
the entire newsletters for both newspapers. (she also edits both singles
newspapers) She is currently working on her doctorate at ASU.
Remember, practice, practice. practice. Harlan Jacobsen
PS You have not had twenty years experience with the
opposite sex. You had one years experience twenty times.
* * * * * Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute
you're holding hands walking down the street -- and the next minute you're
lying on the floor crying and all the good CD's are missing.
Top of Page
Dating Again Newsletter,
12/28/02 Issue #10 Here is a story that sounds like it has
nothing to do with dating again, but it really does.........
A friend's 4th grade son,
who was well coordinated and athletic, had great enthusiasm and he was
often seen practicing basketball on the garage installed hoop.
I was invited to his first
game at his grade school to see him have a chance to play in his first
basketball game.
Each
kid got to play a specified time, and there had been no coaching, training
or much of anything at all except the chance to play in this game.
He tried hard but each time
he got the ball he was a bomb, and even though he was tall and stood out,
smart kid, everything went bad for him playing basketball for the first
time.
While he had a
rather upsetting experience he must have decided he was no good at
basketball and never played basketball again - never shot hoops on the
garage or anywhere ever again.
Gee whiz, what did he expect, I thought, no one ever
showed him the first thing about basketball, he had no father to show him,
nobody coached him or trained him much on the game at school. The
unfortunate part was his getting to play in a game with almost no training
whatsoever.
I still
believe that with just a little training (which the other kids likely had)
he would have grown into it and became a basketball whiz. I would have
loved to have taught him a lot about basketball, but never got the chance.
Too late, he had already
decided basketball was for the birds and he wanted no part of it ever
again.
He never got into
any other sports and never got into the team experience in any way. He
missed a lot.
The reason
I tell this story is because I am upset to this day that I was never able
to do anything about that. To this day I believe it was a
shame he got the wrong idea from this first experience. It was almost
certainly (looking back now) going to be "predictably" a bad experience.
There is no such thing
as a natural born basketball player, it is an acquired skill and for him
to have succeeded in this game he would have had to been a natural born
player because he had not had any other way to become one.
Now it occurs to me I have
seen the same thing happen with newly singled people getting into the
dating scene as a mature adult, they go out enthused, excited, expecting
big success like my little basketball player.
They are often accepted, then rejected, do dumb
things and have all sorts of bad experience and embarrassments and are
absolutely crushed by these initial dating experiences.
Just like my little
basketball player, they decide this is for the birds, and become totally
convinced by this experience, this must just not be their thing and to
never go through this again.
They, as a result, permanently withdraw from the
dating world and buy a cat.
Again I feel terrible this life affecting thing
happened to someone I know.
I think, what a waste, that once they decide this,
again there seems to be nothing I can say or do.
They do not consider they
had absolutely no experience in getting into dating as a mature adult, no
training, no knowledge of what works and no coaching of any kind. They had
little or no watching how others in a like situation played the game and
succeeded and basically no background to justify their expectation to
succeed.
Yet, they had
fully expected to succeed right off when they entered the adult dating
world and were emotionally destroyed when they did not.
So I tell you this story to
help you understand you are not born with this capability, it is a learned
skill.
(Side story) did
you know that monkeys and other higher animals do not know how to engage
in sex unless they have watched other monkeys.
I tell you this seemingly
unrelated fact to illustrate that there are few skills you are born with,
you are not a natural good mature adult dating prospect, you should not
even expect to be until you learn it.
Your teen age dating experience 20 years ago really
messes you up, because you thought what was and what worked for you then
will work for you now.
Nothing could be further from the truth. You will
have to "unlearn" your early dating experience. So you go out with not
only no mature adult dating background experience, you go into it with
some erroneous ideas and expectations from your young person past that you
unsuccessfully now try to make work and fit into your new "mature adult"
dating.
CONCLUSION:
Today's lesson hopes to impart the knowledge that success and happiness in
this endeavor of dating again as a mature adult person is, like many other
things, a learned skill.
....................................................................
Footnote: Our Dating
Again "Success" definition: To be able to
enthusiastically and happily meet mix and connect in relationships with
the opposite sex without being destroyed by an emotional roller coaster
ride.
.......................................................................
Next Issue of Dating
Again Newsletter: We will take up the basic steps
to acquire the needed knowledge, outlook, experience and skills to happily
succeed in getting back into Dating Again.
....................................................................
We have http://www.divorcerecovery101.com" target=Other
>http://www.divorcerecovery101.com and http://www.datingagain101.com to help you get on
with single life. http://www.singlestalkshop.com to talk it out,
and even http://www.singlelifecoach.com for tips in
adjusting to single life.
We have now discovered there is more to life that
needs help then becoming suddenly single.
So when your toilet breaks down we have found a site
where someone is there to help with Toiletology 101, everything you need
to know to get it working again.... go here http://www.toiletology.com/index.shtml
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>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | |
We hope you make 2003
your best year ever, Harlan
Top of Page
Dating Again Newsletter, 12/18/02 Issue
#9 Re Missing Dating
Again Newsletters. Yes, there are three months of
no newsletter because of two reasons.
First I painted myself in a corner. The next issue
was to be on where to get the business cards we suggested as an essential
tool (at the best price). I had a list of 35 sources to review before
writing that. Second, we suggested you have your
own web site (permanent personal ad sort of) so when you meet someone you
can give them your web address which includes your email address and IM
address. (also your pictures and many details they will want to know about
you.) There are dozens of places between free and expensive for your web
site and our web employees and I were working on an easy one for you to do
your own web site. All of this required a lot of time.....
Then I had an employee
retiree that I was unable to replace successfully and have had to fill in
for months. I still am doing so and still do not have had time to finish
and still filling in but decided to take the time to put this letter
together and get to the time consuming part later when time is available.
Here is a newsletter out
of the sequence...
When
you meet new people, they and you, have to make an educated guess as to
what the other persons status is in looking for in meeting and dating new
people. Here are some examples.
1. Mainly interested developing just a network of
single friends. Not ready for big involvements yet.
2. Looking for casual
"dating" as one of many people they are dating.
3. Just spend time with many
opposite sex people to get to know them, pre-dating (such as going to
coffee after a single event etc) to sort who meets their dating
requirements.
4. Looking only for a Mr. or Ms.
Right as a "marriage prospect". Must be open to marriage or not interested
in dating you.
5. Horny, need casual sex just for a
"one nighter". May pretend to be in other status number.
6. Looking for someone to fill their
regular sexual needs with no strings. No wining
and dining etc.
7. Open
only to serial monogamous "exclusive"
relationships. (must own you)
8. Looking
only for someone who immediately rings their chimes. (love at first sight)
9. Wanting to find someone to spend
time with that has similar interests and activities that may lead to
more......
10. Looking
for "platonic" non-sexual relationships.
11. Currently in an "exclusive relationship" but
interested in getting to know you and see if you are mutually interested
just in case current involvement "blows up". Back burner prospect.
12. Very busy, interested in
dating only people who will not latch on to them, can quit any time or off
and on, with no repercussions or hassle whatsoever.
When you meet new people you
will need to learn who is interested in you. They will need to know which
of these categories you fit in to correctly decide if interested in dating
you. You will need to decide which describes you.
Maybe you and they fit
several numbers. You will need to know which describes their expectations.
Let us say you are
initially interested in them and they seem interested in you. (separate
articles on how to tell). What are the odds you are both looking for the
type of relationship described in the same number in the above list?
Are you flexible and will
bend the status (number on list) temporarily? Permanently?
This newsletter explains to
a degree why we say you really need to meet a large number of people to
have any real chance at getting together with someone on the same wave
length or dating space you are.
Our previous newsletters were on meeting 500 single
prospects in a short time...
They may be attracted to you physically but will
avoid you because they are in a different "Dating Place" then you are (or
believe you are).
When
you (and they) are both changing or advancing your dating status they may
then become interested in you when they learn that your numbers (dating
expectations) now match.
So just because there was no interest three months
ago because of this, it does not mean you should not both now reconsider
with changes that have taken place in that time.
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>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | Christmas "Girl
Friend" present http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes3.html
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>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | Top Ten Reasons Santa
is getting divorced. (Archive of Lettermen's top ten) http://www.humorasylum.com/jokes.php?url=/jokes/joke71.html
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>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | Try out http://singlestalkshop.com and throw
in your comments.
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>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | |
Try Our Singles
Switchboard that took us 6 months of hard research work to put
together. http://www.countrysingles.com/switchboard1.html
Top
of Page
Dating
Again Newsletter, 8/17/02
Issue
#8
This
dating again newsletter is late, is incomplete and is not going to have
the parts I intended. How's that for a good negative
start? Not one for excuses, let me just say, I was in South America
(using up my frequent flyer miles) for two weeks. Meanwhile, the several
businesses had employee problems to cover when I got back and the main
store and building of the midwest office was being sold because the
building owner had died, so we had to buy to hurry and buy it.
In addition we have started another new state newspaper which goes to
press next week and have our web people working on 50 new state web sites
(underway)
So I am
writing now not to bring you what was scheduled but only so you know I did
not forget the newsletter with the final information on your being able to
(relatively) easily meet 500 new legitimate dating prospects in 60 days.
Let me just remind you
this whole series of articles was because I often ran in to some single
people who would meet two or three people in a month ( or even less) and
then would say...gee, there just is no one interested in me as a dating
prospect. I think I will just buy a cat, and give up on
the opposite sex.
Now we
previously did the relatively easy part on going out two nights a week,
getting phone numbers, cutting one out from the herd to go to coffee with
after the event etc. and how you got to know some of these people in going
on what might be called predates...etc. you can read the archives if you
missed some of that...
Now we were getting down to automating the meeting
the next 250 ( we already explained how to work in the first 250) for the
60 days. Did not want you to over stress yourself so we
were showing you how to sort of automate (use modern tools) to do a lot of
the work for you on the next 250.
One of my concerns was that you will just skip the
"hard work" (effort) methods on the first 250 for the 60 days and just do
the "easy" ones we were starting to automate for you.
The reason you should do the
hard work meetings, that require effort on your part, is because it is
what gets you the practice to put you at ease and be comfortable at
meeting people.. The only way to accomplish that is to do
it..... If you meet 2 or 3 new single people in a month you wont become
very good at it... If you are meeting 2 or 3
hundred every month you are going to become quite comfortable at it and
"good" at it... and I am trying to get you "good" at it...so you succeed
at it, enjoy it, have a great time and are a very enthusiastic happy
single person to be around.
The only way this is going to happen is for you to
get lots of practice. You do not expect to play
at Carnegie hall two weeks after you take up the piano. This meeting and
dating is a "Practice thing" and you tend to likely want to just skip that
part.
If you were
married for 20 years, you did not have 20 years experience with the
opposite sex, you had one years experience twenty times.
Your likely formula for
success as a single. Go out once, meet Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful and
live happily every after.
We tell you that if you were married for 20 years,
and go out now for the first time, you are like the dog that chases cars,
you probably would not know what to do with one if you caught one.
You want us to just tell you
where Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful is hiding out and, skip all this other
learning and practice junk. Sorry about that.
Really had hoped to have
time to tell you how to use personal ads, how to use friends and how to
recruit new people you meet as dating bird dogs...(scaring up lots of good
material for you). We suggested last issue and pointed
you to some articles put together for you on using IM,
will write one shortly on using the printed business card and we had
suggested an article I wrote on using new tools including your own web
site.
The using friends
as bird dogs requires you to have some great business cards to help make
it work really well and a web site is the corner stone of personal ad
success, business cards working and it all fits together with your using
the web as a tool too. This is all like a three legged milk stool. It
really works when all three legs are there.
You can have your own web site free, you do not even
need an internet connection but it helps... The good looking librarian
will be happy to show you how to use the library's computers, you just
need to know what to tell her what you want to do with it.
oh, oh...an employee just
quit and walked off in a huff..... I have to go fill in....
Despite the fact I get to
this when I have time and do not write newsletters for a living, lets
say. Will try to get the last two hundred and fifty new people
meeting system all together for you to use next month.
Meanwhile, .....Get out
there this month and practice, practice, practice.
Harlan
Check out Single Scene Newspaper in Arizona at
www.azsinglescene.com or our northern states paper at www.countrysingles.com
Top
of Page
Dating Again Newsletter,
7-8-02 Issue
#7
This issue is going to be
mostly reference to articles we just finished on the subject of automating
your dating process with lots of new people in your life without all the
normal constant effort.
We have a very hectic summer schedule here including
being out of the country from July 10 to the 24th so will resume normal
newsletters when caught up with the several businesses that will be
needing caught up on.
Lets start with this one ...go here if you have not
read this one yet, will catch you up a little. http://datingagain101.com/dating_tools.html That is on using modern tools in general.
Here is the address for and
about using IM http://datingagain101.com/im.html
Just to get you up to speed
and not seem green when you get on IM, here is an IM shorthand list we put
together for you. These will become second nature and speed up your
conversations.
ASAP is
one you are familiar with and of course means AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Instead
of spelling all this out, if everyone learns the shorthand and/or can
refer to it initially to decode, it really makes the conversations almost
like talking... go here http://datingagain101.com/shorthand_im.html
Our final homework "reading
up" for you is about your web site. Without a web site...you are
like a business that opens up waiting for customers and never bothers to
put up a sign or even an "open for business" sign.
This is the most
important thing you can do to increase "meeting people" numbers to where
you are very busy, busy, busy, and it will work automatically without all
the usual effort expended to meet people.
We will be doing a lot more articles etc. on this and
you will hear more about it in our next newsletter. Go here http://datingagain101.com/personalpages.html
Remember, these can be done
totally free, just as you can run personal ads free or you can go a little
better and pay a few bucks. You can up grade etc. anytime you
choose.
Here is a site
just for fun that I ran into and you might enjoy it if you have a fast
connection to the web (especially). Cat Boxing...go here http://www.catboxing.com/ We assume you recall
there is nothing like a good old fashioned cat fight.
See you back here in August.
Our http://singlestalkshop.com is getting a lot more
people participating in "singles chat" and you might want to join in and
just throw in your thoughts on being single and what works.
We appreciate you referring
your single friends to our newsletters and web sites.
TTFN That's IM shorthand for
ta ta for now... (goodbye)
Top
of Page
Dating Again 101 newsletter 6/17/02 Issue #6
In
our last two newsletters we were telling you that you needed to meet 500
people of the opposite sex to be even reasonably close to meeting and
developing a really significant other in your new life. So we have been
telling you how to do a crash program and meet 500 new people in two
months.
If you were
selling your house your self and you had gotten only 3 people to come
through and check your house out....in two months...you would likely say,
"the market must be slow right now, or there is apparently no demand for 3
bedrooms homes in this area."
In contrast if someone had shown you how to get 500
people to check out your house for sale, in two months...then you would
likely have a few good offers on your house and a lot of interest.
Therefore likewise when you
do meet 500 new opposite sex people in 60 days, you will have big success
and even some side benefits. You will become "good" at
this...because, even starting out as a novice, you will be getting lots of
practice in meeting and really getting to know people....(there is more to
this you know then just meeting them, there is follow up).
The previous two newsletters
we suggested you go out one night a week to a singles dance (you will have
to substitute if not one in your area) meet 12 new people at each, and go
to coffee after the dance with one. This will expose your availability to
close to 100 new people a month.
Then we suggested you go to singles parties and other
groups that meet once a week and move around each week to a different one
for four weeks before repeating. Meet 12 at each of those..
etc. This gets you to 200.
Now the next 50 you are going to do in one
day. We have you going out only two nights a week and
getting to further know these new people you meet
with (easy) two hour dates (mostly day time) Saturday and Sunday.
Example....If Sunday is the
only day you have for this.... Make a date to go
out and watch them blow up the Hot Air balloons...early Sunday 7 am. (2 hours). Make a date with another for Sunday
brunch...11 am ....(2 hours). Make a date with a third to go out and watch
the people with dogs having a Frisbee toss contest (2 hours.) Make a
fourth date for a picnic snack at the park and maybe a canoe ride....(pick
it up at Colonel Sanders if necessary....) 2 hours... Next if you still
have the energy.... and you are really getting into this...you can make a
movie date for the evening...
These are what we call "easy dates" . No big
expectations. Just get "acquainted". It
is easy to get dates for this...since it does not cut into their class A
dating times...and you are not likely to be competing with someone else
for their time.
Now, this
issues once a month go out to meet 50 in one day....(hey you are getting
good at this by now.) Every big city has many big conventions, shows,
meetings etc. scheduled each month.. Check with the Convention and
Visitors group. (or chamber of commerce etc.) Pick one.... these should
meet likely 5 to 6 hours on a Saturday...
Example: We had a friend from a rural area who was in
town so we took him to a big annual "cat show".
My guess is there were about
250 exhibitors plus attendees like our selves. These people were all easy
to talk to...they were all just waiting around as different types of cats
were being judged etc. They were all easy to talk to... Mostly women.... A
guy could have a field day meeting women at one of
these. Now women can find some type of show or activity
which is primarily men. This example was to get you thinking.
You need two new things
here.....to make this 50 in one day easy and the next 250 which are going
to be essentially semi automated.
Remember you do really need the "grounding
experience" of this actual meeting action and reaction for the first 250,
so do not skip that and just do this next 250 "easier" way.
The two things you need from
here on out for the 50 in one day and the next 250 in 60 days are photo
business cards....and a web site page with information and photos etc. of
yourself Many women will think nothing of
spending 35 to 75 bucks at the beauty parlor to make a good impression at
an event or date... but get upset when I suggest they spend 30 bucks on
photo business cards. These business cards are going to
have more to do with your success in dating over the next 6 months then
any other 30 bucks you can spend..
Since we have readers of this all over the world I
will let you, figure out where to get these locally (you can also get them
on the web). In fact if you have a really good color printer you can
run off your own. The card stock precut is available at office supply
stores. If the quality is not superb, get them made.
Your local real estate
office uses them so ring one up and ask them, do you know where to buy
good business cards with color photos? Chances are
they have figured out the best place to buy these locally. Use a
great color picture of you...preferably a head shot...do not skimp on the
photo or the cards.... Remember after you leave ..."this is you".
The important thing here is
that you have a web page so you can put the address of the pages about you
on your business card. Now, we will not have the room here to tell you how
to do that. Web pages can be totally free and you can do
your own page...with photos in under two hours. However, again this
personal web page can be useable and very helpful in your dating efforts
for the next ten years....so do not take it lightly and be willing to
spend a few dollars here. You can put up a free amateur do it yourself
page and it will get you by. We will soon put up a page on doing your own
web site or hiring it done. Go to http://datingagain101.com lower left
column, and in a week or two we will have a link there to a page on
getting your own personal web page.
You will be able to meet someone and not have to
spend a lot of time on the spot getting acquainted, you give them your
card with the web site address and invite them to e-mail you or IM
(instant messaging) to talk some more.. and let's get acquainted. Ask if
they have a card.
This is
the secret of how you can meet a lot of people in one day or event.
Remember, we have left you
five nights a week totally unencumbered for communicating with all of your
new prospects and new next issue "automated" meetings. Might squeeze in a
date or two during the week.
Go to our singles switchboard, center column second
button down....on "Own Home pages" to see several samples from around the
world of personal web pages... http://datingagain101.com/switchboard.html
Go to http://datingagain101.com/personalpages.html to see how you use your web page to meet and speed
relationships
............................................................................
Dating tip of the week... Go
where there are quantities of the opposite sex. We always
recommend fishing in a well stocked pond. We told
you about the lady who went to Toastmaster meetings and found it was
almost always men. She discovered there were several different groups that
met around the metropolitan area on several different days. Another
tells me about having great success at golf driving ranges......which it
turns out are almost all men.
Men need to figure out where there are large
quantities of women with hardly any men. Did you know they have quilting
conventions around the country....I have a married friend who goes to
those as part of a business, but says it is 99% women and would be a great
place to meet women.
When
in England I noticed some interesting three dimensional pictures in a
craft shop and they were having a class on how to make them starting in 15
minutes....So I took the class. Learned how to do it...and noticed the
rest of the class was all women. Easy place to get acquainted...we were
all sitting there side by side and easy place to talk... That's the sort
of thing you guys are looking for. ........................................................................ Today's interesting web site for those of you still
longing for the good old days. An interesting collection of "outhouse
pictures" from all around the country. go here http://www.jldr.com/ohindex.shtml ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Here is a great site that tells you in easy to
understand language how things work. go here http://www.howstuffworks.com/ ............................................................................ Need a map for where you are going this
summer...(this is one of the sites we own and maintain) Go to http://www.mapathon.com and click on your
state ............................................................................ The article Part two in Country Singles and both
parts of WHY NO ONE ASKS FOR YOUR PHONE NUMBER ANYMORE, NOW THEY ASK FOR YOUR IM. Is in the July Issue of Az Single
Scene Get up to date.... pick up a copy or
subscribe.... ..........................................................................
Top
of Page
Dating Again newsletter, 5/22/02, Issue #5
This whole thing
started when a lady from my classes said she had gone out once since her
divorce, a guy took her phone number and she saw no need to go out again
because she liked the guy she met and she was sure he was going to
call....(it was already two week) To help folks
operating like this, who will wind up in a rest home finally giving up on
the project, we suggested a realistic chance, the goal is to have good
contact with 500 eligible, currently looking and available opposite sex
people. Out of that we expect to develop one very interesting
relationship. (if that goes nowhere, then we can keep working on the next
500 to sort out another good prospect.) Out of
that 500 we will expect to "predate" at least 20..(that means going to
coffee with them after an event, or meeting for coffee date etc.)
Out of the 20 you will
expect to meet again 5 for some additional type of dating. Out of the 5
expect to date 2 or more several times. We are working here on how to meet
500 qualified prospects in two months.
We will take up more of what
you do with them in other issues. Otherwise you may be like a dog that
chases cars. You might not know what to do with one if you caught one.
All
we listed last issue, was go to a singles dance once a week, meet, dance,
talk and touch 12 new people at each dance =96 new people met in two
months. 404 to go.
Now we expected you to cut several (over the two
months) of the most interesting ones out from the herd and meet for coffee
after the dances. This is written for both men and women, it works as well
for both.
Some of the cream of the coffee crop you may want to
"easy date" Sunday afternoon and then go from there.
Let
us say we had you going out Friday night to dances. So Saturday night we
are doing a lot of different groups, parties etc. where there are enough
new people attending to meet 12 new people each event. Now some groups you
will meet 12 new the first time you go there...but next week...there will
only be 7 new "of interest" people.
Skip this group and do not
go back for a month . There will be more by then and you will be able to
meet 12 new again. To make this work you will need 4 groups or sources of
activity to alternate between. Preferably adding in some new places to go and
explore....(hunt)
Since there are 8 and 2/3 Saturdays in 2 months you
will have met 104new people. Now these were the two easy methods to
understand.... so next issue we will take up some other methods to
use...we have 300 to go in our 60 day crash program to meet 500 new and
exciting prospects.
Remember, so far we are only going out Friday and
Saturday nights and "easy dating" (further explore) on Sundays.
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>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | YOU NEED PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN HELP ALONG THE
WAY OF LIFE.
and..............You need to feel needed.
You in turn need people to
feed your river of life, whatever it is.
In the past you have tried to change your
relationship's river over to your river,
whatever your thing (or things ) in life are:
Now, as a more mature realistic person, this time
around you will instead respect their river, and
leave it alone.
You have
finally learned trying to "make them over" always fails and leads to
bitterness and unhappiness because no matter how hard you try they just do
not "shape up". You were always unhappy and disappointed.
Give up on that...it does
not work.
Instead this
time you will feed their river, you do things to help it along. They in
turn get into feeding your river.
They too learn to "give up" on changing you.
As a result you both stop
hassling the other to change and start helping the others river.
It is nice to be needed and
appreciated and you will be.
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>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | .....the lesson in
the above is you are no longer looking for someone you can
"makeover" "convert" to your ideal to match your river this time around.
You are looking for someone that is OK just the way they are because this
time you are not going to try to change or get them to "shape up" and
match your river. You will find someone where you are needed to feed their
river.
Once you have
decided to accept people as they are (over 25 most are set in cement
anyway) and find people where you can feed their river instead, it opens
up a whole new group of prospects.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Talk Shop about single life
at our http://singlestalkshop.com easy to use way of
listing what's going on in your single life, enter questions for
discussion participation.
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>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | Keep an eye on the
Universe. Go here for a great new astronomy picture here every
day. http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html
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>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | It is hard to keep
track of what web sites I have listed in what newsletter, but here goes a tip on one of my all time
favorites.... http://chillybeach.com You may have to download a player if do not already
have it...but take my word for it...this site is a fun kick. Very
Unusual
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>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
| | | | | | If you have not tried
the 5 Secrets, 5 day course, on moving on from divorce
(remember you can cancel anytime) give it a shot and give us your opinion
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Nobody asks for your phone
number any more... Now they ask for your "IM."........ Keep up to date...Article on IM in June
issue of our newspaper.... Country Singles
(midwest) Subscribe here... http://www.countrysingles.com/subs.htm The July issue of Az Single Scene Southwest area
newspaper Subscribe here... http://www.azsinglescene.com/subs.htm
Top of Page
Dating Again
newsletter, 5/9/02, Issue
#4
We all have sexual needs and
there is terrific emotional and other costs tied up in how we fill those
needs.
Newly singled are
often dealing with about as much emotional turmoil as they can handle, and
adding to that with new sexual involvements can push you over the line.
Therefore we have always
suggested that those not through the pain process not add any more to what
is already an overload, deliberately avoiding for the duration, getting
into sexual involvements.
Never the less, we have to recognize we still have
sexual needs, which results in many going back to their ex when filling
their sexual needs as a single has not worked out. Then they split again
after they remember why it is they split the first time.......sort of a yo
yo effect.
Therefore we listed a piece in our 8 day course on
another option.
(On one
of our chat things, a lady says, forget men, who needs em buy a $15.00
vibrator.)
This
"sextonics" option mentioned in day 6 of the course, shook up a few
peoples eyebrows so we are seeking comments. Go here http://www.datingagain101.com/sexual_needs.html If you did not see it before, go to bottom of right
column to read the preliminary part that was in the course.
Now to "what works" on
dating.... We mentioned last time a lady had gone
out and a guy had taken her phone number, she liked him and said there was
no need to go out any more meeting people because she was sure he was
going to call. (had already been two weeks) We tell you, using this method
you are going to be in a rest home before you meet someone that "fits"
with you and by then you will have forgotten why
you wanted to meet someone special anyway.
500 is our figure that you need to meet and have some
contact with to have even a sporting chance of meeting a person that can
be really "right" for you.
There are, lets say, for illustration purposes, 60
million single people. Half are the wrong sex.. leaves 30 million.. 20
million are in the wrong age bracket for you, leaves ten million... 2
million like the same sex, leaves 8 million.. two million gave up on
dating and bought a cat. 6 million.... well
anyway....there are still a lot of prospects out there and lets be
realistic....your chances of meeting the best prospect for you are small
unless you meet and mix with a lot of single people. So lets get
started.
Our goal is to
have good contact with 500 eligible, currently looking and available
opposite sex people. Out of that we expect to develop one very interesting
relationship. (if that goes nowhere, then we can keep working on the next 500 to sort out another good
prospect.)
Out of that
500 we will expect to "predate" at least 20..(that means going to coffee
with them after an event, or meeting for coffee date etc.) (worked for me and I do not even drink coffee, but
you get the idea.)
Out of the 20 you will expect to meet again 5 for
some additional type of dating. Out of the 5 expect to date 2 or more
several times.
Last issue
we suggested you get right after this and do the 500 meeting opportunities
in 2 months...(one month if you do not have to work for a living.)
Running over in newsletter
size here so let's say we are going to have you go out Friday and Saturday
nights, Maybe another night or two a couple times a month and use Sunday
for "dating" and getting together time if necessary.
Next issue we will give you
more ideas and examples on the other 404, but for now let's say you go to
a singles dance once a week and you meet and dance with 12 new people a
week. That is 96 new people in two months... You get to touch them and you
have an opportunity to get acquainted and see if any mutual interest.
Every week "you sort one out from the herd" and meet for coffee after the
dance. (Gals...this means you do this too) If it's a good
night you get some additional phone numbers, im net address etc and make
make phone or net contact during "at home" nights during the week so you
are working at this all the time. (Note: If you
can not successfully meet 12 new people at a dance....you need to study up
on, "read articles" and practice your technique.) (learned skill)
Next Issue....Examples of
how to meet the other 404 prospects in just two months.
Go here http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes.htm for a laugh from businesses.
Web site to check when you
need a map... (one we operate) Mapathon Sites for
all 50 states. http://mapathon.com
THEY NO LONGER WANT YOUR
PHONE NUMBER....now they want your IM. Read up on
it and get up to date in the next issue of Country Singles...subscribe
here... http://www.countrysingles.com/subs.htm and In Arizona Single Scene, .. subscribe here... http://www.azsinglescene.com/subs.htm
Top of Page
Dating Again Newsletter 4/2/02 Issue #3
The
dating tip for today. Magic word to remember is 500.
Met a dating again class
member in a grocery one day and I asked if she had been out dating or
prospecting yet. She said she had gone out once, a couple of weeks ago. Met a really nice guy
that she really liked and he took her phone number and she had been
waiting for him to call. I said you need to keep going out. She said there
was no need to, she really liked this guy and she was sure he was
going to call.
Actually
you need to meet at least 500 people before you have any right at all to
expect to develop a really significant dating relationship. You can do it easily in two months, even in one
month, but then you really have to work at it.
In that meeting 500 you can expect to
predate 20...casual date 5 and repeat date
2. See, it is all numbers.....very few that you
like, will like you. Next issue we will show you how to meet the 500
and make the "500" law of averages work for you. ..................................................................... In the 8 day dating course, day 6 has an item on
filling your sexual needs, in a simple way we have not written on
extensively before. It works really well, and we made a web page to
further discuss it. It is called "sextonics" the exact opposite of a
platonic relationship. Next issue we will give you the web page address
for those of you who did not participate in the 8 day course. In the
meantime, those of you that did or have participated in the course, I
would appreciate your comments on sextonics from day 6, to harlanjacobsen@webtv.net.
..................................................................... Last Issue I told you how to run a reject
party. A lady in San Diego ran regular "
invitation only? parties for over 15 years made side income doing so
became very popular, well known had long as arm. This another story how
using head can take drought interesting life, flood.
She made a practice of going
anywhere there were attractive desirable single people of both
sexes.
She selected
out and talked to a lot of the most attractive and desirable and told them
she ran parties for attractive single people and wanted to know if they
might like to be invited to her next party. When there were two women
together, one attractive and one not, she took both their names but only
the good looking one actually ever got an invitation.
The same with men. Her
parties had such a reputation for everyone attending being great date
material, everyone clamored to get on her invite list. If you caused any
problems, got drunk or in any way acted up at one of her parties, you were
scratched from the invite list forever and everyone knew that would
happen, hence she had very orderly parties. No invitation, no
admittance.
She charged
$10. admission and men brought liquid refreshments and women paid $10 plus
bringing specified munchies. That was years ago and I have not checked for
5 years or so, she may well be still having them at a much higher price.
The woman whose home the party was held at, I recall, she paid $25.00.
Last one I heard about specifically, she had rented a boat for the
evening.
This was a little off the subject here, but wanted
you to know the events you usually hear or read about are not the only or
best place you will have to meet other singles. Most of the really good
things that work out for you in meeting really terrific people are as a
direct result of people you know. There are a ton of ways your
relationship with "just single friends" lead to that one big significant
relationship.
We
did surveys on how people that were in really big all encompassing once in
a life time relationship met.............
number one answer, through friends.
Interesting side note, Dr.
Bach who we sponsored at several seminars, (he wrote several relationship
books) told me his research found that something like 80% of the people in
big relationships that his researchers interviewed, said that "they had
little or no interest in each other at their first meeting."
This is why we say you need
to have things that you do with other singles to where you get to see many
single people regularly and get together with and really get a chance to
know well, many single people. This knowing well
and other singles knowing you well will lead one way or the other to
connecting with and developing the kind of one or one relationship you
have been looking for.
This works a lot of different ways that you can not
even imagine, but like the dating again course, we can not overly stress
here the importance of building a network of single friends, it is the
most important thing you can do as a foundation to
succeed at "dating again". One time I was at
a singles event, a lady came in with her friend, looked around the room of
75 people, and said, "lets go Michele, there is no one here." There is
another long story on how that came about and why, but many of us do this,
figuring no bells rang so no use wasting our time here.
Your battery may be dead and
nobody no matter how magical is as a result, ever going to be able to
ring. Your bell, never the less you keep searching and searching for
someone that can. What you may actually need is a little battery charging
time. (another story)
Also, maybe you are going to need to come down out of
the clouds and "give up" on ever finding Mr. or Ms Right and just learn
how to happily settle in for a great time and life with Mr. or Ms. "Close
Enough".
See you on the
sites, http://datingagain101.com, the new http://singlelifecoach.com and back here in a
couple weeks where we will talk "what works".
Harlan Jacobsen
Top of
Page
Dating Again Newsletter 3/5/02 Issue #2
This is the second issue of our new newsletter on
Dating Again 101 and we are mailing it to, in addition to new subscribers,
emailing subscribers of Az Single Scene and Country Singles
newsletters. If you would like To Stop it showing
up in your email you will need to opt out ....see bottom of column.
Many New to Dating
Again....Find Its Different.....this time around.....
If you last dated at 20 and
are now starting out again....in the dating game, you will find it is all
different at this age....and time.... We will take up the differences
another time, right now here is the way to ease back in.
Keep in mind we find there
are usually two dating again extremes. One extreme is they never get
started and hide out at home for years.
The other extreme seems to be they need to prove they
have "still got it" and date anything that says "Hi". Today we discuss
easing back in until you feel comfortable at it and it is fun and you do
no longer need to be hyper.
1. Go to coffee with a group after a singles
event.
2. Next, Offer to
Meet one individual after an event for coffee.
3. After getting good at that, offer to meet someone
for lunch. (easy to get a date for lunch since
that does not cut into their class A dating time) and they have to eat
lunch anyway.
4. Next
make a date to meet at the park or go together to the park to feed the
ducks...
5. Practice
advance booking.. "Since we are both going to the (singles event dance
Friday etc) how about meeting for coffee at Dennys after the dance" etc.
Reconfirm at the dance. Remember, this was not a
contract to latch on to them at the dance...only for meeting AFTER the
dance.
6. Keep it
simple...and go on from here... (See, you don't
have to start out with some big stressful dinner date etc.)
Definition of a date:
Agreement to spend a specified period of time together on a specified activity. ______________________________________
Meet new People, Throw a
party...
if you do not
have a house, do one together with someone who does. This has a lot of advantages in getting together with
people you want to develop as friends and in meeting a lot of new people.
Here is how I threw a REJECT PARTY, (First one I
ever did) In going out I had met and kept phone numbers of a lot of
interesting people.. (females, the best kind) that I wanted to see more of
and get better acquainted with. I called each one
well in advance and invited them to my "reject party". (over 15) The rules
and conditions were they were invited but they had to invite someone to
attend that they used to date and had split up with. The women were to
bring hors d'oeuvres and the men were to bring liquid refreshments. You
can figure those details out, but this party was a great success and did
not have one single invite not show nor did anyone fail to get a "reject"
to show. The party cost me nothing and everyone had a great time. So start
working up a party list of phone numbers when you go out where eligible
singles attend.
Each
newsletter we try to have a good singles web site for you to explore. This
issue we are going to tell you about one of ours... Singles switchboard. go
here
This switchboard
contains over 800 links to sites we hand selected from thousands and has
links on dozens of subjects. It took us 6 months of hard work to put it
together. Try it. Book mark it... for future reference.
To get on DIVORCE RECOVERY
101, our email newsletter edited by Harlan on working through your divorce
in less time...send a blank email to divorce_recov-@topica.com
... to get it free.
FUN
SITE: http://www.computerpranks.com humor,
software, images, just fun stuff
Top of Page
1ST ISSUE OF DATING AGAIN 101 NEWSLETTER
1/31/02
This is our new newsletter
on Dating Again 101 and we are mailing it this issue to those subscribing
to Az Single Scene and Country Singles newsletters, our sister sites. If
you'd like to continue on this periodic list, please send an email to dating_agai-@topica.com An opt-out link appears at the bottom of each
newsletter should you choose to do so.
We hope you try it for a while at least. Be sure to
visit http://www.datingagain101.com
THE "BACK BURNER" DATING
THEORY ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING ON THE BACK
BURNER.
Continue to have
contact with other singles even when dating actively and continue to meet
new people. Do not put filling all your social needs on one person. This
way you are acquainted with and still have contact with many single people
who are dating material and the current heavy can not "do it to you" by
splitting and leaving you "nowhere". When you
continue to meet and have contact with and know lots of interesting people
you would like to know better, then you can just move one up from the back
burner. That is "dating security".
DANCES STILL RATE
Meeting
single people at dances is great. Where else can you meet someone for the
first time and be "cuddling" in 30 seconds.
KEEP IN TOUCH WITH OTHER SINGLES
Nothing to say? Just send em a comic email type
(free) greeting card... http://www.afreegreeting.card.com is one such
service..... or something funny someone sent you.....or one of our fun
things at ....http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes.htm... (changed regularly.) This lets them know you are
still thinking about them....You can do half a dozen in 5 minutes. Sending them something about once a week is about
right just to keep in touch. Do birthdays, holidays etc. too of course.
Address each individually -
best not to have more then one address on the email though...send each
individually. (no carbon cc, copies...)
ALTERNATE DATING ADVICE SITE FOR...[unrelated to us]
MEN - http://www.askmen.com/dating/ WOMEN - http://www.girlproblems.com/
Our new "talk about single
life" chat site is interesting, Join in and throw in your two bits... at http://www.singlestalkshop.com
To get on our free email
newsletter edited by Harlan on working thru your divorce in less
time...email divorce_recov-@topica.com and be sure to visit our web site at http://www.divorcerecovery101.com
* FREE 5 DAY EMAIL DIVORCE COURSE - "Moving
On"
Five Secrets of
MOVING ON TO A GREAT NEW LIFE. End the divorce misery's. Start your
"Moving on" by sending a blank email, just click here
* FREE EMAIL 8 DAY COURSE - "Get Going"
Free Email 8 Day Course,
on Dating Again, "Get Going" to a better life. Start your
course by sending a blank email. click
here
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