1) Negative images -- This is not the place to store that shoebox with old photos of your exes, or any other negative images from bad weather to bad times.

2) Anything that encourages distance -- Put the cactus and your ceramic porcupine collection somewhere else. They're not helping.

3) Anything with a chill factor -- If it's cold, it's bad news. Move the refrigerator and the poster of the polar bear unless you want your relationship to cool too.

4) Singles only -- Avoid photos of yourself alone here, your one-slice toaster and that picture of you as the lone, uncoupled bridesmaid at your cousin Bertha's wedding. Single-girl (or single boy) reminders have got to go.

5) Games -- If you want to avoid games in your relationship, you've got to avoid them here.

6) Distractions - Something coming between you and your one-and-only? Maybe it's the big screen TV or your decoupage supplies. Put 'em somewhere else.

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Dating Again Newsletter #49, 2/20/06


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Business Cards. Your Most Important Dating Tool, Do Em Yourself

** Here is a sample of what your "Do It Yourself Dating Business Cards" will look like: http://www.datingagain101.com/datingbusinesscards.htm

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Since you get this newsletter we assume you have some connection with a pc, but if not up to speed get a friend or relative (or one of your kids) to whip these out for you. These are full color (we assume you have a color printer) and take a little time here to do some great cards, Be sure and put your picture on the card so they can learn to associate the name with the face.
This is how you get on many peoples "singles friend" awareness list. As they find it easy to get to know you. When they can remember you by name next time they see you, you are half way there.

When you meet someone and have a little conversation for example and you are leaving, hand them your card and say maybe we can talk some more, give me a ring or e-mail. Also be sure you have a web site, (read previous newsletters on its importance) and list your web site page on your card.

Also your e-mail address and even an IM address as well as your phone number and cell number etc. In short, be easy to contact.

Now all about making personalized business cards.

Download a program called Visual Business cards http://www.rkssoftware.com/visualbusinesscards/overview.html

What you can do right now is download the 30 day FREE version of the software.......

If you like it and want to continue to use it will have to pay for the real version if you want to keep using it but to test to see how it works....you can do it for free right now.

Once you download the software:

Step One: I go to any office supply store and buy Avery Glossy Clean Edge Business cards (inkjet #8879)

Step Two: Once software is downloaded, its going to ask you to start new card or start with blank card....choose "blank card"

Step Three: It's going to ask you what type of business card...choose "normal" and then go to Avery Business Card #8879 Clean Edge Ink Jet

Step Four: A big white square space resembling a business card is going to pop up. If you look on your right side of the card, you will see tools needed to create the card. Normally start with the 10th symbol down which will place the photos on your card you just place up to four photos. The images will auto resize themselves so you don't have to worry about sizing issues

Step Five: Now once you finish adding the photos, go back to the tool bar and go down to the third symbol ( which has a T on it) and just place some basic information and your phone number. 

Print it all out ...and there you have it. Takes about 30 minutes when you first try it...but its VERY easy after that.

Take my word for it, these cards will get you more things going then just about anything else you can do. To get out in the dating world and not have a card to give out when you have opportunity to let some one know you are interested is a severe handicap.

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Dating Again Newsletter #48, 1/10/06

This Dating Again 101 Newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To subscribe or unsubscribe please see below.

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Harlan has been busy researching and writing on (a newspaper and a web site) on the "finding of a cure" for his own and 20 Million others that have Diabetes, that leads to degeneration, disability and death. If you have or know of someone who has Diabetes check out his web site in construction at http://www.diabetescure101.com

Lisa Daily has volunteered to fill in on writing this months Dating Again newsletter.

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January is National Breakup Month
By Lisa Daily

The holidays are over and just when you thought it was safe to put down the eggnog, you might find yourself smack in the middle of one of those "We Have To Talk" talks.

While November and December are generally unlikely months for breakups (who wants to be the jerk who ruined Thanksgiving?), January is usually the biggest month of all.

Why? For some, it feels like the first chance to make a clean break after the holidays (and the last chance before Valentine's Day rolls around.) And many men say they just don't want to be on the hook for the required Valentine's Day gift/flower arrangement/romantic dinner for a girl they're not really that crazy about.

For others, the breakup is part of the New Year's resolution value package that includes getting a better job, losing the love handles, and embarking on a mission to find true love.

How do you know if your sweetie is about to lower the boom? Check below for some of the warning signs your relationship might be over soon.

6 Signs You Might Be Heading for a Breakup:

1. She's no longer interested in sex, or worse, she's recently learned some new tricks
A dramatic change in sexual behavior can mean two things: Either your sweetie is trying to avoid any situation where she might have to express emotion or attachment to you, or she's getting it somewhere else. Old dogs only learn new tricks if someone is teaching them.

2. This isn't about Toilet Paper! This is about Life!
If he's picking silly fights, or there's an unusual increase in emotional distance, you've got bad news. If your guy or girl is picking stupid fights all the time, they may be trying to get you to make the first move.

3. He says, "I need some space" or "I think we should see other people."
By telling you he wants to see other people, he's not technically breaking up with you (so no big crying scene to endure) but he's given himself a way out. Of course, the second he gets a little distance, he's going to make a run for it.

4. She gives you that little pat on the back.
Watch out for this one. A person who gives you a hug while patting you on the back is indicating that they are uncomfortable with what they're doing. The bigger the pat, the more discomfort they feel. Could be the kiss in front of Aunt Mildred. Could be garlic breath. Could be you.

5. She buys a pre-paid cell phone or pager.
This is a really bad sign. Private investigators everywhere will tell you the pager purchase is a sign of impending heartbreak. Sure, it could be for work, but more likely, she's using it to get a head start on her post-you life.

6. He used to be a blue jeans kind of guy, and suddenly he's obsessed with Armani.
A person who is about to leave (or is cheating) will take greater care with his or appearance - updating his wardrobe, losing weight, working out and even changing cologne.

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Dating Again Newsletter #47, 12/07/05

Harlan Jacobsen, publisher has asked guest author, Lisa Daily, to fill in for him this month.

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Lisa Daily, Dream Girl and author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry 'The One' in 3 years or less.
"This chick really knows what she's talking about!"
--Howard Stern
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, Mens Health and HITCH: On THe Set Available at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com and bookstores everywhere

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Holi-dating:
A Thanksgiving to New Years' Dating Survival Guide

By Lisa Daily

Stuck in the Snow

Yes, it's that time of year again. Thanksgiving kicks off the annual relationship freeze which lasts through the New Year. Much like government wage freezes that leave DMV workers and other civil servants with salaries stuck in 1973, the annual dating freeze cements you for three months in whatever relationship situation you happen to be in on November 15. Singles and couples everywhere can feel mid-November bearing down on them like tax day.

What does it mean? Well, if you're single and dateless, it means you're probably going it alone for the next few months. Sure, you'll have to endure 7 or 8 hours of pitying glances and "So, are you seeing anyone?" at the holiday gathering, but at least it's less agonizing than your Aunt Leona grilling you in front of grandpa about your sex life, or the new hottie you met on the Internet last week.

And if you're in a less-than-fab relationship, well, you're pretty much stuck until the holidays are over. There will be office parties and family gatherings to attend, and somehow your plans will propel you frenetically through the season like a goldfish down the toilet bowl. If you start to feel like you're not going to be able to go the distance, reality will whack you on the head and you'll realize you don't really want to be known as the heartless jerk who ruined Christmas. Just the image of your current steady blubbering into the yams is enough to make anybody hunker down and endure a few more weeks as a couple (however unpleasant they might be.) Fortunately, before you know it, the whirlwind will die down and you'll be whooshed smack-dab into the middle of January.

If it's the thought that counts, what the hell were you thinking?

Assuming you're in a relationship, even a new one, some sort of gift exchange is generally expected. With a budding romance, however, things are a bit more complicated, especially for women.

Men are generally terrified of holiday-induced coupledom and freak out at any sign the woman is trying to use the holiday freeze as a chance to create permanent status. So, how do you pick a gift that says "I like you and I'm thoughtful" without sending the message "I know we just met last week, but I've already started sneaking tampons into your medicine cabinet"? The key here is to give your guy a gift that would be suitable to give your boss. Think music, (no John Tesh, please,) sports stuff, (NOT his-and-her memberships to a gym,) or a new tie. Whatever you do, don't give your guy part one of a set of ANYTHING. Otherwise, you might not be around to see his birthday/your two-month anniversary/groundhog day. Worse still, you might wind up stuck with parts 2-7 of whatever you had in mind for your sadly transparent romantic installment plan.

Say you're in a long-term relationship, and you're just biding your time until January. Well, there's nothing that says, "I can't wait to dump you" like a crappy or impersonal gift. Women who are in it 'till January will generally try to fake it and will give a gift that is not overly personal, but also not a clear indication of relationship doom. Men, however, frequently become affected by short-timer's disease and end up giving reasonably-priced, gift-wrapped-in-the-shopping-bag, white-elephant-esque gifts that have been purchased at either the electronics store, or worse, the Gas-N-Go three blocks from your apartment.

A terrible gift has long been a sign of impending breakup. I've heard dozens of stories of three and four year relationships that ended bluntly following a bizarrely bad gift exchange. It wasn't the gift that ended the relationship, it was merely a sign of things to come.

Of course, a bad gift doesn't always have to mean your paramour is planning to dump you like last week's spaghetti once January hits. It could just mean that your sweetie is madly in love with you, but has really horrific taste -- and you can look forward to many, many years of individually-wrapped-in-cellophane roses, radio-controlled cars, sausage-of-the-month clubs and green plastic phones.

Hang in there kids, the thaw is coming soon.

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You have permission to publish "Holidating" electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the piece is unedited and the bylines and website at the end of the article are included.
(C) Copyright 2003-2006, by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.

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Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped! All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere.
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Washington Post and Hitch: On the Set Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com

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Dating Again Newsletter #46, 11/15/05

This newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. To subscribe or unsubscribe see below.

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Here is our November Newsletter about encouraging you to do your own website. Easy and fun to do, you will find it a big aid to successful dating that works.

Have always wanted to find the time to explain how to do a personal webpage but never get the time so will just tell you how to figure it out on your own.

Now, about every six months I bring this up because I think you are really missing the boat if you do not do it.

You have many new ways of meeting people and with a web site it makes it easy for them to get acquainted about you with little effort on your part.

The statistical odds we usually bring up are that you have to meet about 500 people to find one that is a good match for you.

Obviously this is going to take some time but you can essentially automate about 2/3 of this if you have a web site of your own all about you.

If you have a personal ad in a publication or on some web dating site you tell them a little about you. A web page tells all about you. The personal ad can even refer them to your web site.

You sort of put your life up there and it is your personality that comes thru.

People that are not interested in who you really are do not waste your time.

So the more real you on your site the better. No pretend, just the real you.

If you meet someone at the grocery and have a conversation about "how to tell which is a good watermelon". Say it was nice talking to you, hand them your business card (you made on your computer) that has your web address as well as phone number. Say, look me up on the web, maybe we can talk some more.

Have a conversation on chat on the web with someone interesting...? Give them your web address with a get back to me.

Response on a dating site referred to your web site is far better then have to go thru all this for each person. Just send them to your web site and they get to know you far better then a zillion chats back and forth.

Maybe someone you were interested in is tied up in a relationship right now, but thinks you are something special and knows someone that would be just your type. Have that person send them to your web site and contact you.

Now about making your web site and cost. Geocities and others will provide a web site for you for free but stick an ad on it. Geocities is part of Yahoo.

Usually, your internet provider will provide one web site for free with your subscription. Ask them.

With Geocities, you do not need a paid for web address. You get a unique address but not of your choosing.

Your internet provider may require your own URL web listing. This usually costs around ten to $15 a year. Sometimes you can even get "your name.com". Who every you post with will supply you the information.

Also most will show or send you to a page that shows you how to do it. Usually you can learn to make a simple page in an hour or two. Then expand it over time as you learn more. You will find it fun.

More about this http://www.datingagain101.com/personalpages.html The personal pages at the bottom are old and may be defunct, here is one that works. If you are an aol subscriber this is the type of address you get. http://members.aol.com/chelsearose100/

Here is the latest on email being obsolete. http://www.datingagain101.com/personalpages.html

Here is a personal page that according to her counter has had over 60 thousand visitors. http://www.orchidlady.com/linda.html

Here is one from a guy who has had 40 thousand visitors. http://www.skirtman.org/

You can find many examples for ideas.

Short cut...If you want to know what yours will look like ahead of time. If you find one you like the layout you can copy "source code" and just change the words, colors and pictures. etc. Do not feel guilty...You would be flattered if someone copies your page lay out.

Regards,
Harlan Jacobsen
605 376-4125 Cell phone

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Dating Again Newsletter #45, 10/08/05

Harlan Jacobsen, publisher has asked guest author, Lisa Daily, to fill in for him this month because of time constraints of a new major web site under construction and a new newspaper out in November.

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Relationship Quiz: How to Tell If He's Really Interested
By Lisa Daily


How can you tell if that guy you've been dating is actually falling for you or just fooling around? Six simple questions will tell you all you need to know.

1) When does he usually call you for a Saturday night date?

a) Two weeks in advance
b) Usually by Wednesday or Thursday
c) The day before
d) 10 minutes before he shows up

a) Twice a day
b) 3-7 Times a week
c) Once a week
d) 10 minutes before he shows up

a) Every day
b) Two or three times a week
c) Two or three times a month
d) Once a month or less

a) Huh?
b) I never call him, or I return his calls occasionally
c) I call him a couple times a week
d) I call him every day

a) I have no idea
b) It wouldn't change a bit - he's doing most of the pursuing.
c) It would slow down considerably - I'd probably see him half as much.
d) Goodbye relationship, hello Häagen Dazs. He doesn't do much pursuing, so if I stopped calling and making dates, I'd probably would never see him again.

a) He always pays
b) He usually pays, but I offer sometimes
c) We usually split the check
d) I usually pay for the date

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Dating Again Newsletter #44, 09/5/05

Lisa Daily, Dream Girl and author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry 'The One' in 3 years or less.
"This chick really knows what she's talking about!"
--Howard Stern
As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, Mens Health and HITCH: On The Set Available at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com and bookstores everywhere

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(C) Copyright 2005, by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
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6 Secrets To Meet More Dates Online
By Lisa Daily

By now you know that online dating is by far the most popular and easiest way to meet someone fabulous. And even if you work the swing shift, only date junk food addicts or are looking for someone who shares your adoration of Desperate Housewives and Sex Inspectors, it's easier than ever to find your perfect match. Not having as much luck as you'd like? Lucky for you, upping your odds of finding your dream date online is as easy as microwaving a bag of popcorn - just follow these 6 simple tips:

1) Post a photo, even if you think you look like Quasimoto The first thing you should know is that profiles with photos get eight times the response. Why? Nobody, but nobody, wants to end up with whatever is lurking behind door number three. Here's an interesting little factoid from Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, authors of Freakonomics (William Morrow, 2005): "A low-income, poorly-educated, unhappily employed, not-very-attractive slightly overweight and balding man who posts his photo stands a better chance at gleaning some emails than a man who says he makes $200,000 a year and is deadly handsome but doesn't post a photo." The lesson? Post a photo - even if it's a quickie that you intend to take down later and replace with something else. Don't wait until you lose twenty pounds. Don't wait until the Rogaine kicks! in. Post your photo today - even if it's not perfect, it's sure a lot better than nothing.

2) The absolute best thing you can say on your profile While it's important not to lie, it's also important to know what's working for you:

According to Freakonomics,
The biggest advantages a man can have? High income.
The biggest advantages a woman can have? Beauty. And blonde hair.

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ON GETTING MARRIED AGAIN....101

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All marriages are "happy". It is right after the ceremony the problems start.
   Anon

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Getting married again is a very serious subject with many newly singled. There are a great variety of attitudes about the subject and today I want to discuss what came up on the subject in the classes I conducted for ten years on recovering from a divorce, widowhood, or loss of a long term relationship by whatever means and how getting married again fits with getting back into dating again.

There are a variety of different attitudes about the subject of getting married again, which if you have not already done so, will discover when you get back into dating again. Some will be in a frenzied quest to get married again at the earliest moment, and others badly burned (emotional and/or financial) in the process of coming apart from their last marriage will swear to never ever consider getting married again for any reason.

Both will likely disguise their extreme position and pretend it does not exist so that they can improve their dating prospects.

You will likely have some position leaning one way or the other and you will be out there trying to sort the prospects out into the categories of either fitting your ideas on getting married again or not fitting your view and therefore either are a bonafide dating prospect for you or not.

Deciding according to whether their philosophy on getting married again fits, (agrees) with yours or not.

Many will withhold their true position and some will consider they wasted several "dates" before discovering their dating partner's real attitude on the subject.

First we will discuss the person that has become "suddenly single" and does not even want to admit they are single, they are just on "hold" between marriages.

They never "volunteered" for this being single business in the first place, they were "drafted".

They see themselves as "miserable" in this "single life" and are trying to shorten their sentence by conducting an all-out search to find a "ticket" out of here.

When they arrange a date with you it is primarily to find out if you are a potential ticket out.

If they uncover that they have no potential of working you into a frenzy and being "converted" to that, they drop you like a hot potato after the first date.

Their all encompassing goal is to get "married again" as soon as possible.

We tell you that any "idiot" can get married again. All you have to do is find someone of the opposite sex that has the same goal.... and BINGO,

It is almost certain that this marriage will not work out long term. Both had the goal of "getting married again".

They were excitedly "happy" at their good fortune in finding someone who would "marry" them, and validate them as a "desirable marriage prospect" person by doing so.

Their mutual goals were only to "be married" and they accomplished that goal..oh joy...

Their goal was never to be "happily married", only to be "married" and they accomplished that.

But, it turns out they had little in common other then this burning desire to be "married" again and be rescued from their damnation sentence of "being single" and on their own.

and.......after months of trying to "make it work" they split.

Muttering, I am still in love with marriage, there is nothing wrong with "marriage" it is that I just keep picking the "wrong person".

So......they buy a wash and wear wedding gown and just "keep trying".

Never mind the evidence that this is not working.

They have basically established self programming that says "I have to be married to be happy".

They have accepted this as a truth and now that has become an established part of their programming.

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I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO BE INVOLVED WITH SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS...
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This is not too prevalent any more, but still is in the picture.

The programming is, "I have to be married to be involved in any sexual relationship."

What happens here is that every time they get "in heat" they run out and get married.

This results in their getting married a lot.

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MARRIAGE IS OUT, COMMITMENT IS OUT

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This happens a lot more then most people want to admit.

There are those who rationally take out a pencil and judging from their last experience, figure up the financial risk of getting married again, and decide that this cost-benefit thing does not add up here. This all rationally thought out with little emotion involved.

They can be manipulated, and often are by the opposite sex insistence, but wind up resenting having gone against their better judgement.

More common is the person emotionally recovering from such severe shock of financial catastrophe and emotional turmoil that they adopt programming that says "I will never trust the opposite sex again."

Every time the new significant relationship hints at marriage or some type of commitment, they break out in a rash, and subconsciously do something they know their new partner will not tolerate and thereby sabotage the relationship.

Result, never lasts in a relationship very long.

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Next Issue....What Works, How to Handle Prospects For Marriage and Long Term Significant Relationships

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1. How to say "Hello" at parties.

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Last Issue we suggested parties as a great way to regularly meet new single people.

The question we recieved is...., what do you do to get acquainted with people at parties?

Let's just make it easy......

The name of the game is to get acquainted with, have lots of great conversations with and get to know the interesting people in attendance.

Many will come over and start conversations with you...

Or... you start the conversation...say Hello there.. I am Harlan, and then all you have to remember is..

Ask questions.....
Make a positive statement about them or your situation first, and then ask a related question.

You sure have a nice tan, I just moved here from Ohio, are you a native of Arizona?

Remember, you are not a TV interviewer. You share information about yourself before asking a related question.

Do not ask too personal a question unless they move in somewhat on a more personal level conversation, sort of like a teeter totter (playground see saw). If you move in too fast you upset the "teeter totter". You have to wait for them to move questions in on a more personal level.

The normal formula that works is that if they do not pick up their end of the conversation, after three shares about yourself and queries or current environment statements and questions, if they do not pick up the conversational ball, to some degree, that you move on.

Regardless, move on around the party and get acquainted with as many as you can of both of the two major sexes. Some call this mix and meet.

Those that were most interesting, get back together with later. Be interested in and talk to everyone.

Each has something interesting to offer.

Some say that novices come to parties and singles events early and leave early. The pros come later and stay later....

Some single wag once commented at the singles dances that all the up tights and soreheads had all gone home by 9:30 and that was just when it started to get interesting.

Parties require some "hang around" skills. Just because nothing much has happened in meeting someone interesting in the first hour, do not become discouraged.

People keep arriving at parties until the wee hours, some having been to another event earlier. They also all become friendlier as the evening proceeds.

Plan to hang around and make a night of it. Going home to watch TV, chances of developing new friends is zero.

This does require some effort and perserverance.

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2. AVOIDING THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER OF GETTING BACK INTO DATING AGAIN

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Your success and happiness as a well adjusted single person will depend a great deal on the single friends and relationships you develop.

Make friends of both sexes, that is, developing a network of single friends you do things together with, and sort of a "singles family" of close single friends you talk to and see regularly.

Unfortunately most newly singled still believe they have to be married, (again) and/or have a big relationship with one person or life is not worthwhile.

So they dash out in a crash program to find the big "special someone" replacement to fill all of their needs.

They meet someone and they are higher then a kite. Life is wonderful again.

The new special someone soon tires of filling all of their needs, resigns the "too big a job" of filling all of their needs and expectations.

With the loss of this relationship, they crash, to the pits.

They withdraw, licking their wounds for quite a while...and eventually they come out and repeat this, with a roller coaster emotional life of ups and downs that takes its toll.

What we try to teach is that you have likely been married in a long term relationship with one person for a long time.

That this is the only life style you know, have experience with and therefore anything other then that is for you not comfortable or "normal".

Now you come out into an all new single life with no experience or knowledge of what works with relationships as a single person and little or no experience with relationships of types different than your long term that ended.

Adjusting to new types of relationships is painful.

You have heard of the "no pain no gain." You expand your life and possibilities when you get out of your previous experience comfort zone.

You are going to grow more as a person in the first year of single life, than you did in twenty years of married life, and you will do this through the single people and friends you interact with along the way.

You will practice developing single friends and relationships and as you get better at it, it will become exciting, fun, and no longer stressful as you become perfectly comfortable with your new life style.

Initially, anything you do new and have no experience and little knowledge of, will be stressful. (pain)

As you gain experience, you learn it is not fatal, it gets better all the time and you become enthused and excited about how your single life is going and its new possibilities.

Our part is to help you get up to speed in a short time.

We assume all are starting from zero, or near zero, and since many are new here, we repeat much information since many jump in here at different times and stages.

We ask that you be understanding about that since this is an ongoing "help" source with readers in or at many different places in the moving on to a second chance at a great new life process.

This site and newsletter are about getting back into dating again.

Part of that success formula is learning how to meet and mix with singles and develop a "solid base of single friends".

Therefore we work with you on your relationship skills, your communication skills, and your developing a steady source of new contacts and single friends.

You are likely starting with an empty water tank. Little or no "single friends" in your supply tank.

What we are talking about is learning how to fill your water supply tank and keep it full of single friends and remind you that this tank of friends has a slow leak.

These friends are constantly leaking out of your life with this slow leak, so you need to understand, even though you may now have some in your tank and it is not empty, you need to have a plan and program that you are constantly adding to the supply of single friends and acquaintances in your tank.

Many, when meeting a "super someone" then totally neglect their water tank of single friends and they "leak" away.

Then when this big all-encompassing relationship that they have been demanding fill all of their needs, "ends," when they resign from the job, and most do end.....then they find they are back to an empty tank again.

Bad timing.... just when they really needed this supply tank of single friends the most to get through the death of a relationship.

So your supply tank of single friends, if maintained with due care and added to regularly is the moderating influence that keeps your life on an even keel with out the extreme roller coaster ride.

You probably know or hear of single people that one time you see them, they are in a big relationship, on cloud nine, seventh heaven and a few weeks later you run into them they are in the pits, talking of suicide.

They put all of their eggs in one basket and the basket got overturned. In the meantime the bottom fell out of what was left in their single friends water tank.

With a big supply of single friends, a network and a singles family......a full water tank of single friends means no one "can do it to you".

You do not give over your happiness control to one person, sure they are a great addition, the special someone is the frosting on the cake.

But if they leave, and you still have a full tank of single friends, they can not take your overall happiness as a single person with them.

What I am trying to get across here is telling you to develop a full water tank of single friends, and when you develop a special someone, that rises to the top, like cream on whole milk, that you continue to maintain your single friends.

That you continue to add to keeping the tank full of friends and acquaintances, constantly add new along the way and thereby compensate for the slow leak.

Your normal thought is..."who needs 'em... I finally found this special someone, at last, and now have this special super someone who demands and deserves all of my time and attention and is filling all of my needs just fine right now...thank you..."

This is one of the pressures on this new relationship that often cause it to crack.

Demanding that this "exclusive new relationship" fill all of your needs and/or demands and that you fill all of their needs.

This is all you know...that is the way it has been for you for the 20 years of your "ended" marriage.

The very idea of having other single friends at the same time you are in a big one on one relationship sounds self defeating on the surface.

Believe me, it is not. It will help you maintain and successfully continue over time, your new "biggy" relationship.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

3. Todays Quote:

There isn't anything that is not made easier through constant familiarity and training...

Dali Lama

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

4. "Visit Our Newsletter Archives"

==================================

Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every Dating Again tip, advice, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 35 newsletters so far.

Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "getting back into dating again" strategies.

However, this entire web site wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" and getting back into "Dating Again" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!

All the concepts, "getting your dating life to where it works", add new enthusiasm and are no longer adding stress to your life...are there... Through these step-by-step instructions you'll find these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, developing successful long term relationships and growing as a single person, literally exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.

============================

5. Send this newsletter to a friend

============================

Now you can help others that are going through the starting over, getting back into the Dating Again world.

Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process.

Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.

============================

6. Tell Us What You Think!

============================

We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue. .....And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that you'd like to share with us, please send those, too! Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanjacobsen@webtv.net. Please put the word "Divorce" or "Dating Again" in the subject line. This helps get by spam filters.

==============================

7. Content for Your website or E-zine

==============================

Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://datingagain101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:

a)  Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.

b)  You send a quick e-mail to HarlanJacobsen@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.

c)  You include the following byline at the end of each article: (small text okay...)

Top of Page

___________________________________
1. REVIEW.... Last few issues...
----------------------------------------------------------

Three issues ago we had a guest author who told you where to go etc to meet people.

Two issues ago....I told you about the relationship glue that holds relationships together.... and that until recently relationships were primarily "functional", that you needed each other to survive and you "loved" each other because you filled that need.

We reminded you that relationships are now primarily "affectional" and when that goes, the relationship often goes.

Since much of the functional glue is gone we reminded you what things you do together that hold relationships together. I'm not sure you absorbed all this.... but want you to understand what changes have taken place, that relationships are now for different reasons, serve a different need and you need to understand that when some of these things happen it is not because of some defect in you or your life, and it comes with the territory now so to speak.

Last issue we hoped to shock you to understand that maybe you come across as a "cold fish" emotionally and how you can change that perception. We showed you how in 21 days to "convert" and become a "warm and friendly" single person.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2. This Issue... How to be a Party Animal
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One of the best ways to meet a lot of people without expending a great deal of time is to go where there are a lot of people of the type you want to meet.

We used to favor organized singles dances as a great place (where else can you meet and be cuddling in 60 seconds...) but since good ones are becoming scarce and never were available in much of the vast fly over single land, let me remind you about "parties" and tell you these work everywhere. I have written past newsletters on the subject but it occurs to me there is a lot left unsaid and you need to be reminded again.

Over and over I have told you that having a vast network of single "friends" was going to be the key to your having a great singles life and the way to find and develop some very "significant others" in your life...

Significant Other....is the politically correct terminology you use to refer to someone you are living with, or have an exclusive relationship with, or is about the same as saying "my special someone" in my life right now.

We would maybe in the past have been married, or engaged or something like that but this is a different time but they are very special with this terminology.......

So here is what you do...develop a "party alert" system among your single friends.

We tell you in other articles that you need to meet about 500 opposite sex singles to have any chance of really meeting a someone "special" match.

Parties are one way to get there in a relatively short time. A good party will have an average of about 25 opposite sex singles. Smaller towns etc = smaller parties so bear with me.

When you hear about a party....that may be open to you and your friends...with lots of good prospects, you alert all of your single friends on the "party alert grapevine" and when they hear of one, they alert you.

You are likely not even aware that the party world exists. These may be held in businesses, restaurants, bars, private homes, on boats, just about anywhere...and they are going on every week in numbers.

They are not advertised (99% are not) and you have to dig them out. How? Through people you meet (single friends of both sexes you develop).

My formula was to ask everyone I met at some point....further down the conversation...where do you go that you meet a lot of singles? or where are you going this week to meet and mix with a lot of singles?

Let me give you some examples... someone will say... well I always go to the ski club parties... they meet the first thurs... of every month... Usually about 70 or 80 people attend... do you have to be a member....no...you can be a prospective member...

Another will say I always go to the Young Democrats party....it is usually held...the...blank blank you will have to call their machine and check...heres the number...( or Young Republicans.) or Old republicans... you get the idea...

The Hiking Club is having their annual Superstitions party this Saturday over at the Apache Junction Inn...you might try that...

My company is having a big ........blanky blank party to introduce the new....blank... next tuesday night... you should come to that...a lot of my fellow workers that are single will be there and so it goes..

Parents Without Partners is having their annual picnic...this Sunday afternoon... Let's pick up a tub of Colonel Sanders (you are a prospective member)...

Now here is the key.... you will soon find out about ( by asking around and going to these type of parties about "private parties")...

and....if you play your cards right....you will soon start to get invited to some, or you will be able to go with someone who is invited and/or you may find some where the more the merrier is the concept of many private parites.

Now we have been working on you to make you over into a warm and friendly, attractive single person that would be a good addition to any party...

and if you are a good addition to any party you will soon be invited to several....... you will get on the list.....

We will have to discuss at greater length how you handle yourself and what you do at parties to meet people, and how you behave so you get invited again, but that is another article or newsletter.

For example, at some party you meet someone who has a friend who would be just your type that they would like to have you meet.

They will invite you to a party where this friend is going to be in attendance so they can introduce you...

Now...the can not miss.....party... you throw one...yourself....don't have a place to throw one? Get together with a friend that lives in an apartment that has a party room etc. Let's just say you are going to throw a party...(rather simple really) another artcle... (already written and likely posted) Let's call it some tricky name party...

I threw a "reject" party...once...very successful everyone I invited...got to invite someone else that they used to date...(reject). Big success..

They were told they had to bring.... x y or z to the party... drinks food etc. I for got what... anyway I did not spend a dime.... I got invited to a lot of parites by those in attendance and it sort of was an ice breaker... to the party world.. Had to vacumm up my house afterward, but that was about it...

Met a lot of new people and all had a big time... No planned format, no music...just get acquainted conversations they cooked up on their own.. did not even have a chair for half of them...but my back yard worked....

Now the best part.... every where you go... you say...hi there....get acquainted a little and then say I am throwing an xyz party on the 29th of the month and thought you might like to come, be a lot of interesting single people there and if you are interested in parties, I can put you on my invite list.... and I will be sending out invites about the tenth.

If interested you will easily get their name address and phone number... (do not use this for anything else) or maybe you can ask for email address or IM address. You can update my techniques here.

If you change your mind...or do not get enough interest....no big deal...just do not send out invites...

If for example there are two women together...I will take both addresses....but will code the one I am not interested in as meeting my "attractive standard" (do this with both sexes) and not actually send that one an invite...

This is how you get a reputation as having only great looking (and acting) people at your parties..

So now you have an excuse to go up and talk to every attractive single person of both sexes you see at any other party or event anywhere.. because you are getting a lot of attractive single people together for a party on the 28th....

You can start this about six weeks ahead.... Get about twice your capacity number of names and expect less then half the invites you mail out to show...

over crowded...no big deal.... by the way....tell them what they have to bring...when you send the invite.

You may instead just hand out cards etc that say you are invited to a "Get Acquainted" singles party at Harlan's Apartment, 8pm Saturday the 21st.
address................ BYOB

If you do this well in advance, the word may spread rapidly and you may get a much larger response with many "not your type of people".

So a word of caution until you get experience using this method.

Another idea is to throw an after an event party. Hand out sheets or cards at an event to people you think would be good party people that you see during the event....that a good number of people are attending.

The flyer says "we are getting together after the (name of event) for a party at Harlan's House.. You are invited..... address directions....etc".

There is a lady in San Diego that has been running Saturday night house parties for years. She pays a home owner a few bucks for using their house etc. charges $15 admission last I heard, plus men bring booze and women must bring snacks.

Invitation only and if you act up in any way you are not invitied again. All of her guests are hand selected and San Diego singles are clamoring to get an invite to her parties because they know the people they will meet there are all exceptional.

This is the difference between controlled invite only and "open to all" house parties.

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3. Quote for Today......
=================================

From the Heart
Your life is right now! It's not later! It's not in that time of retirement. It's not when the lover gets here. It's not when you've moved into the new house. It's not when you get the better job. Your life is right now. It will always be right now. You might as well decide to start enjoying your life right now, because it's not ever going to get better than right now - until it gets better right now! Abraham-Hicks

==================================
4. "Visit Our Newsletter Archives"
==================================

Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every Dating Again tip, advice, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 35 newsletters so far.

Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "getting back into dating again" strategies.

However, this entire web site wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" and getting back into "Dating Again" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!

All the concepts, "getting your dating life to where it works", adds new enthusiasm and is no longer adding stress to your life...are there... Through these step-by-step instructions you'll find these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, developing successful long term relationships and growing as a single person, literally exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.

============================
5. Send this newsletter to a friend
============================

Now you can help others that are going through the starting over, getting back into the Dating Again world.

Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process.

Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.

============================
6. Tell Us What You Think!
============================

We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue.

.....And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that you'd like to share with us, please send those, too!

Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanjacobsen@webtv.net.  Please put the word "Divorce" or "Dating Again" in the subject line. This helps get by spam filters.

==============================
7. Content for Your website or E-zine
==============================

Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://datingagain101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:
a) Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.
b) You send a quick e-mail to HarlanJacobsen@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.
c) You include the following byline at the end of each article: (small text okay...)

----------------------------------------------
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Harlan Jacobsen is a leading author, publisher and expert on the subject of transition to single life, for those newly divorced and widowed.. He has helped many with classes, seminars, 32 year newspaper (2) on the subject as well as on the web, helped thousands of suddenly single to move on to a new and better life with significant long term relationships in a shorter time.
His website Dating Again 101.com and his six other web sites of interest to singles as well as free adjustment courses and newsletters have been the key for many in their moving on from this major life change.

* * * * * *

If someone has forwarded this newsletter to you and you would like to subscribe for free, send a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com

Top of Page

ARE YOU A "COLD FISH" OR A "WARM AND FRIENDLY" SINGLE PERSON?

Why are opposite sex singles not "taking a number" and standing in line to be a dating prospect for you?

Maybe they have become aware that you are a "cold fish" personality?

Less intelligent, less aware, not packaged as well you singles are often popular and in demand but you can not understand what they have that is working for them that you do not have.

Probably they are perceived as "warm and friendly" single personalities, and you come across as a cold fish.

MAKE THREE CHANGES, PRACTICE THESE FOR 21 DAYS.
Make them a part of the new you.

What we tell you here will only improve your dating prospects and dating life about 2% reading about it.....

However,

Practice these changes for 21 days and they will become an automatic part of you....... change your relationship life and greatly improve your collection of friends..

1. SWITCH, UPDATE RIGHT NOW TO CONVERSATIONAL STEREO.

Nearly All Conversations come in two track stereo.

Likely you are hearing and only responding to one monaural "fact track".

The second track you have not been hearing or responding to is the "emotional track".

The warm and friendly person first responds to the emotional track and only incidentally responds to the fact track.

Women have told me that engineers are as a group, normally in the cold fish category....

They are so used to dealing with nothing but hard facts that they often do not even acknowledge there is a second track, to the great dissatisfaction and frustration of their significant other.

I have written and posted a lengthy article on the subject with a lengthy explanation of this, but will site one example here to help understand this concept.

Your friend says " I have to go into the hospital for some minor surgery on my whatsit next Friday"....

Cold fish response to strictly the "fact track message". "My sister had that operation last month and she is getting along fine."

Warm and friendlies response to the "emotional track",

"You sound like you are pretty concerned about the operation, what are your worst fears about the long term implications"?

Learn to listen for and respond first and primarily to the "emotional track" on all conversations. Practice, Practice.

Likely you were not aware that all singles suffer from some degree of skin hunger. Most have a tremendous need to be touched. Skin hunger.

Many newly divorced go back into a devastating "try it again" relationship because they are suffering from skin hunger and the dire need to be touched.

Some older women living alone have such a need to be touched that they go regularly to the beauty parlor, the doctor or chiropractor not because they can benefit but because they have this dire need to be touched and they will give you every reason they need to go but the real one.. because many are not even aware of it....

Many singles get into unwise sexual relationships primarily because it is the only way they find to get touched and fill their "skin hunger" needs to be touched..

Babies in orphanages that are never touched, actually die.....

You will find several long articles on the subject I have written on touch including one on the 12 advancing stages of intimate touching.

Learn how to actually touch everyone you have conversations with. (both of the two major sexes) Not once but many times.

This includes handshakes, hugs, (highly recommended) hand to arm, hand to hand, pat on the back etc. etc.

Example... when dating (still do it) and going to a restaurant...I never sat across from my date.... I sat alongside, and moved my plate over and I was in actual touch during the whole time...several ways... (warm and friendly) One meal together, I filled their skin hunger needs (and mine) for a week.

You will have to work at this...for 21 days...then you will be comfortable with it, completely at ease and do it naturally and automatically. It will have become part of the all new "warm and friendly you".

No, I am not going to try and explain that one to you.... I am just going to send you to the articles... Go here.

Top of Page

As usual my schedule has gotten a little behind, and having committed to two weeks in Spain some time ago, I went even though I was way behind with closing a store and training people on a new business etc etc. So today's newsletter may be a little short but I will share some interesting Spain and Portugal with you.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

BUILDING STRENGTH IN A RELATIONSHIP

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Relationship Glue......
When my parents got married and farmed together from scratch so to speak they needed each other to survive and they overcame many difficulties together. They nursed the sick calf back to health and eventually over the years put together a small herd of cattle. They fought off the grasshoppers from eating the new corn shoots and struggled together to raise enough food in the garden and fruit trees to get through the winter. They needed enough wood cut to get through the winter without freezing.... so it was a work together to survive. My mother washed cloths one whole day a week...ironed one whole day, canned fruits and vegetables and meat, and filled the basement with canned goods and potatoes etc. to make it thru the winter. She took care of the garden, the chickens and ducks, the cooking, patching clothes and looked after us kids (3). He worked long hours and took care of the livestock, and worked in the fields to get in a crop.

They loved each other because they needed each other. They had a very strong relationship because they overcame all these difficulties together.

Now, the modern husband goes to work...somewhere, the spouse goes to work somewhere else... They come home exhausted...watch a little TV together and go to bed...

She can survive on her own... he does not need her to cook for him or iron his clothes.

He overcomes great difficulties all day long with the assistance of his secretary. Together they have been slaying dragons every day.

Result...overcoming difficulties and accomplishing things together, they feel very close.

The only thing he does with his wife is watch television. The result... you guessed it...

Relationships used to be functional....now they are almost strictly affectional.....

When the affection goes...the relationship goes.

Here is an example.... Men who go off to war and do something together that is very difficult or trying and they survive together by accomplishing things as a team or group, come back from the war and feel very close to their war buddies, often for life.

In the past I have written long articles on this subject and how you build long term strength and closeness in a relationship.

I bring it up today....to remind you....what you do together with this person, results in how close you feel with this special someone.

Going to movies together...does not hack it.. Accomplishing or helping or working together to accomplish or experience something together builds strength in a relationship.

Example, if you help organize and pull off some singles event for a single parenting group, you feel closer to these folks because you accomplished, overcame, and experienced difficult things together.

In short... it is important that you experience things together that are not just observing things together... to build strength... (bonding) in your relationships of all types.

You can figure out now why some of your relationships do not last... they have no strength built in... they come apart... no glue. Nothing to hold them together.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Here is some light hearted unusual Spain I want to share with you. Cities in Spain are old and rather crammed together so there is a lot of people traffic on the sidewalks...

Some creative types pose along the walk ways every two or three blocks in some areas as "living statues". They freeze and hold a pose so you are really not sure this is not a real statue.

In still pictures... you do not get the full appreciation of this difficult pose they are maintaining for a long time. They have a cup or hat or some container and folks that really appreciate this creativity or have their picture taken with the living statue usually toss in a few coins. The statue will then wink at you or as the case of our favorite...in the first two photos...he gave us a thumbs up..

He wore a wind swept wig...and the first one is our favorite...someone walked by on the first photo so I took a second picture.

There were dozens more over the two weeks..mostly in Barcelona. Our favorite umbrella wind swept guy was in Madrid. Go here to take a look.

Okay....so I know that has little to do with dating but it was a shared unusual experience... that I share here with you.... By the way... remember our slogan...
Joy shared is doubled....Pain shared is halved.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Until next issue.....
Harlan

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Due to the fact I am overwhelmed with work pertaining to business, I have gotten behind on the usual schedule of newsletters. Here is an issue by a guest author who has some interesting and maybe helpful tips for you.

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The Best Place To Meet the Guy (or Girl!) of Your Dreams

By Lisa Daily
////////////////////
Tired of spending every weekend gripping a bottle of light beer, meeting the same people in different clothes, and listening to the same jokes? Ever wonder where all the "good ones" are hiding?

Most of us think we'll never meet somebody great in a bar, but for lack of better alternatives, we continue to go anyway.

We all know we're much more likely to meet that smarmy loser who introduces himself with,

"So, are we gonna get naked, or what?" than the guy or girl of our dreams.

That said, there are lots of great non-bar places to meet someone fabulous, and many of them have little or no competition.

For chicks:

The driving range: Spend the afternoon in the sun with a bucket of balls. These places are always overpopulated with men, and they go gaga over women who can swing a crooked stick.

Outdoor food and music festivals: Any event where there's a band and vendors selling those gigantic Fred Flintstone turkey legs (or some other meat-on-a-stick) is a good bet. You're laughing, but it's true.

For guys: DSW (or any other gigantic shoe warehouse.)

These places are crawling with women, especially on early Friday evenings and Saturdays. Just ask the nearest unattached female to help you pick out a new pair of shoes. See where it goes from there.

Book clubs: Women love to read, and there are usually very few men in attendance. A great pick if you're interested in dating someone with a brain.

For everybody:

FastDating:

It's hilarious, you can do it with your friends, and it's loads of fun. Like musical chairs for grownups.

Somebody else's company picnic:

Pair up with another single pal and survey his/her company's assets. These events are social, and as an added bonus, you know everybody there is employed. Your insider buddy can act as your tour guide to help you to avoid the guy who sticks paperclips up his nose, or the woman with the 59 cats.

Volunteer work:

There are volunteer groups just for singles. You help make the world a better place, and meet a lot of like-minded eligibles. If there are no singles volunteer groups in your area, check out Habitat for Humanity. It's a great way to meet people, and you get to spend the day in the sunshine using power tools. Yippee!

Vacation:

Hit someplace cheap and sunny. (Mexico springs to mind.) That fabulous combination of sand and margaritas can be the perfect recipe for love. Go with as many same-sex friends as you can squeeze into a hotel room, and have a ball.

Internet Dating:
Just browse 'till you click. My sister-in-law met her darling husband this way. Remember though, be smart, be cautious, and keep yourself safe.

More great places to meet "The One" Atlantic City or Vegas (ladies- hit the blackjack tables, guys- scope out the slots.) The beach. Any beach.

Parties, once removed. (Parties where you know a few people, but that are outside your normal group of friends)

Team-building conferences.

Whitewater rafting.

Bike races.

Outdoor concerts and festivals.

Work-related shindigs.

Church.

College classes or adult education classes.

Music store.

Outdoor sporting events - especially baseball.

There's nothing quite as sweet as a summer romance, so get out there, be brave and try something new.

You'll probably have a great time and you'll never know who you might meet.

***********************************************

Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped! All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere. As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and The Sally Show Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com * * * *

Top of Page

Waiting for lightning to strike.......

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There seem to be some misconceptions, such as, that if you have been married for 20 years you know all about dealing with the opposite sex.

You have not had 20 years' experience, you have had one year's experience twenty times.

The other misconception that seems to pop up endlessly is that if you just hang around it will sooner or later happen. If it was meant to happen they will just ride up and rescue you from the lonely doldrums...

It was not too long ago...that 80% of people that met and developed significant relationships lived within a couple of miles of each other.

This might still work in New York or some congested area where you have ten thousand people per square mile. However, let's take the odds of that ten thousand... Half are the wrong sex. If you are over 60 and a woman about three quarters are the wrong sex.

Divide the remaining 50% of the adult population into opposite sex, split them up into five years either way from your age bracket and you are down to 1,000. Lets say 60% are married, living together or in some current stage of pairing... that leaves 400

About a fourth of those are either gay, or have dropped out of the "pairing" game for good for one reason or the other... leaves 300 prospects.

In my case 100 smoke and are off the prospect list. In addition, If you or they (either one) insist on a prospect must have a college education you are now down to about a hundred.

There are other restrictions, of course, or expectations or demands that either your side or their side make it smaller yet, but we will settle for one hundred prospects out of 10,000 people.

The question is how do you and they ever get a chance to even check each other out? We say you have to work at it....... remember you are sorting 100 out of 10,000.

Develop a way of letting people know you are single, available and open to new relationships. See and be seen, make it easy for them to sort you out...of the ten thousand. Be where they will likely be... count on them to do a part of the work... but make it easy for them to know you are a prospective dating relationship.

We go into that in other articles, about using tools to quadruple or even improve your batting average 100 times. Examples would be business cards, internet, personal ads, your own web site etc.

You erroneously think you were born with all the tools you need to attract the opposite sex and it will happen on its own or it was not meant to be...

We say you have had little or no experience dealing with a variety of the opposite sex for twenty years and you did not have much before that. You have no expertise in easily meeting people and sorting.

This is all learned... a bird was born with it, they know how to build a nest...you as a human being are not born with it.... This you have to learn...and you learn by doing...Aristotle said you can not learn to play the flute until you play the flute. You can not learn to date again until you actually "practice" dating again.

So like the dog that chases cars, most would not know what to do with it, if they caught one.

Surprise number two...you not only have to work at it.... you have to learn how to do it so it works for you.

Learn from every source available including other singles, ask...what works for you.?

Develop a plan to practice, practice practice.

Enlist friends and acquaintances to put you together in places where most of the people there are qualified prospects.

If you have 100 friends sorting the wheat from the chaff for you.... you have improved your odds tremendously.

1. Learn what works..from books, courses, other singles.

2. Use every tool available

3. Start with predating and practice practice.. see our other articles.

4. Go where other singles prospects go...see and be seen. Give them an opportunity to do half the work...

5. Recruit friends and new people you meet to introduce you or put you where other prospects are...

6. Develop a network of single friends... collect the near misses as part of your network of friends. These folks will lead you over time to qualified prospects. The bigger the collection of friends you can maintain, the better the odds of their putting you in the right place at the right time.

My message is that in developing significant dating relationships, you will eventually discover this is not much tied to luck.....your developing significant relationships in your new life, is going to be almost totally a result of your taking responsibility to make it happen......and yes, when you work at it, you may benefit from and have some lucky breaks along the way, that "just happen".

Either way, you know it will happen because you are doing what it takes to "make it happen".

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Last Issue.....

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Just reread last issue and recall it was about selling......and how a salesman works at it to get results. I'm not sure everyone got the message of what that was all about and how it pertained to dating.

Actually, I am amazed at how many people have the Cinderella syndrome, where they think that they should just look terrific and Prince Charming will come along and sweep them off their feet and live happily ever after.

A lot of them wind up in a rest home still waiting for them to ride up...any moment now.

The people that are successful in selling, the people that are successful in life, successful in dating relationships are those that "WORK" at it.

We try to teach this in divorce recovery classes. This is a turning point in your life, and it is a good time to rethink your life operating plan.

No longer be a victim of circumstances (fate) or what comes down the pike. This is the turning point in your life after a divorce to decide to take charge and become "100% "responsible for your own life."

In taking charge of your own life you have to learn how to "make things happen".

In dating again classes I tried to teach how to make things happen. In selling I learned you do a lot of work (looking for prospects etc) that you never get paid for.

I also learned while doing this, you often "luck out" and get paid for something you did not do any work for. Sales fall in your lap.

But those lucky breaks only happen when you are out there working at it.

The main thing I have tried to get across in the classes is that 80% of your big breaks in life and in dating are going to come through a network of single friends. (both sexes)

Most newly singled are out there beating the bushes and looking for one big "super match mate" to fill all their needs.

They sign up for this newsletter because they think I might tell them where that super warehouse full of " perfect match for them" singles are stored.

They are not looking for a network of single friends, they are looking for that "special someone".

If they decide you do not totally match up with these "super" expectations and demands they have, they just do not have time to bother to get to know you.

They operate on what I might call the emotional roller coaster dating method. Little or no dating until they meet what they view as a "Mr or Ms Right".

They meet Mr. or Ms "Close Enough", and they are on a real high......life just could not be better.

And then it ends........crash... I will not get into why here, but there are a lot of good reasons why it does end. (it helps to know why this is but this is a newsletter not a book)

The point is, now their life is ruined, absolutely crushed, depressed, never going to trust the opposite sex again.....so they withdraw from the opposite sex world for an extended time..

Eventually they get over their depression enough and renew their subscription to this newsletter etc. and try again.

.... and after three or four of the these over the years, huge emotional highs and the following crashes they totally "give up" on the opposite sex,

.... and adopt a cat.

We all have known (looking back) singles who have "dropped out" of the opposite sex relationship game for the rest of their life..

From my newsletter pulpit I have been telling you that this is a hazardous way to go, and there well may be some who succeed, but there are a large percentage that wind up emotionally drained, and needlessly drop out from one of the better parts of life.

Have at it and good luck........

...but.... just be aware that there is likely nothing wrong with you, that this does not mean you are a failure when these huge relationships end, it just means you were using the wrong modus operendi... (cops use this latin term that means "method of operation" )

The last newsletter was about making sales happen, and that it requires "Work" to succeed at it.

That here we are talking about developing a network of single people, a singles family who steer you to great relationships over time.

A resource that is never ending if you keep adding to your network of single friends. (developing a new network friend was called a "sale' in the last issue.)

The message was that a salesman knows sales do not normally "just happen" because you are "lucky". Most happen because you went through and did the things you need to do to "make things happen". (effort and work)

Here we are talking about taking charge and responsibility for making your dating life work.

What I have been trying to lay out for you is an overall plan that builds a solid foundation for filling your needs, and handling and making your dating life the second time around add to your overall enjoyment and happiness in life.

.....to avoid it becoming a drain, rather then a plus in your overall enjoyment of life.

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Something to think about

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One author who wrote books on the subject of dating that I met, had a staff of college students do a lot of research on relationships and one of the discoveries that made a lasting impression on me was a survey they did with a number of people that were in a long term very happy satisfying relationship.

They discovered in that survey that 80% of the people in these long term happy relationships said that they had NO initial ATTRACTION the first time they met.

This is why we tell you when you have a large network of single friends, that you have contact with often, that long term relationships just sort of "come to the top" somethng like cream in whole milk. It happens over time automatically.

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Until next time...

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If you are changing email addresses soon stop right now and put a note on your calendar to let us know click here ...AFTER you get your new email address.

I don't want to lose touch with you! I also encourage you to join the list with more than one email address just in case one copy gets blocked from delivery for some reason. S-P-A-M filters are blocking even legitimate emails these days.

If a friend sent you this newsletter you need to send a blank email here

That way you can get your own copy next issue!

Keep smiling :0

Harlan

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MARKETING YOURSELF AS A POTENTIAL FRIEND OR DATING PROSPECT.

What you are selling is YOU.
YOU are "the product" you are selling. You need first of all a good product and second you need to understand something about marketing the product. One or both of these may need fixing.

If no one seems to be interested in the product we first of all need to shape up the product and make sure it is in competitive shape.

This does not mean spending $100 at the beauty parlor.

It does mean getting yourself to become the person you should and could be.

This newsletter is not going to take on the job of maxing you up to all you can be (elsewhere and more later). Today we will concentrate on marketing the all new improved YOU.

We assume we are marketing an enthusiastic single person, excited about a second chance at new relationships and a new life, past all the emotional garbage and quirks left over from the long term relationship that "expired".

It's tough marketing this "you" if you are still dragging all that baggage around and it is still part of a package that comes with you.

They may be real interested in you but wisely avoid you because they do not want to get mixed up in all that carry-over baggage.

For today, we are just reminding you about that and moving on with getting you an understanding of basic marketing.

Since a network of single friends is the key to success in your new life, (including dating success) what you are marketing here is YOU as a potential friend and dating prospect.

I started out making a living in selling on commission at the age of 17. Tough way to go but you soon figure out what works and what does not, because no results, on commission means no pay....

Maybe that is where I got the philosophy of "if something is not working, (and you get hungry) stop doing it and try something else".

First thing I learned was that a good salesman deveoped right off, was to find ways to always have a never ending source of getting prospects to make a pitch to, this was absolutely essential.

This is called prospecting.

Figure out where to go where there are lots of potential prospects. (people in the market for what you are selling, in this case you.)

Remember, the product is you as a potential friend and dating prospect.

When you get there, then you talk to potential prospects as many as you can work in, and then you do what we called qualifying each individual prospect.

Did they seem to be real interested, where they qualified to handle or be able to use this type of product? (were they in the market and did they have the ability to buy?)

Since prospecting time is valuable, we take phone or contact numbers with a promise to contact them later about a demo. (sales pitch)

We move on and get as many prospects qualified and on paper as we can when we are in a sea of them.

You would like to just take this real interested prospect and give them the whole demo and sell them right now.... but...

If you do that, you will have no time to qualify other prospects in your file to work on the rest of the week and your odds will be greatly lowered of having a great week.

If or when you run out of qualified prospects, (people you already had some contact with and you decided were qualified prospects) you are in trouble.

Little chance of good results this week.

You can still salvage the week but you are really going to have to work at it...

Look for places where even maybe a few prospects will be hanging out..

Contact past sales (friends) and see if they know of any prospects you might talk to or somewhere to go where they think there may be some good prospects..

and....

step up the search by asking every qualified or unqualified prospect you talk to, do they know of anyone who might be in the market for your product right now....

Struck out...? Give them a business card and ask them to call you if they think of or run into any prospects for your type of product. Offer them a reward...for doing so....

Enough on prospecting...you get the idea...you have to work at this...

too lazy...?

Well, we probably can not help you here then because this is a do it yourself project.

Next comes contacting your prospects and getting together for coffee, or whatever and with you being able to go through your pitch. (We called it a demonstration)

The real truth is that this all boils down to simple numbers.

That is right, success in marketing anything at all is based on numbers.

If you had assembled cards listing 30 qualified contacts you could reach this week, you could usually turn that into about 20 "demonstrations." If you could make 20 full fledged demonstrations in a week, you could almost always turn that into four or five sales.

If you make four or five sales a week you were a big success. the trick was, some could do this once in a while but if you had a plan and worked your plan (numbers) every week, you would wind up with nearly the same sales each week.

The home office you sold for would be amazed and send you bonuses and awards and send you newbie salesmen to train to see if they could do the same thing.

Now how well you did the demonstration (let's be friends pitch and talk about life as a single person in your case) will have a bearing on this result but that is another story

My whole lesson today is to get across to you that you do have to work at this and you do have to work with the numbers.

There are no real effective short cuts, you can improve your prospecting, you can improve your percentage of demonstrations to sales... but to develop a network of single friends and dating prospects you still have to work with the numbers.

This is something I write on quite often and it pertains to something called the "law of averages"

Other articles I wrote years ago throw a little more light on the subject of working with the numbers.

Since you are working at developing friends and dating prospects part time....(not doing it for a living...) we will use my one week numbers "marketing example" for you for two months of "working" at it..

To have a successful 60 days your target then is ......... to prospect and have contact one way or the other with 30 potential friends (of both sexes) in two months time.

Prospects which you retain a further contact method such as Phone number, IM, (instant messaging) E-mail etc.

Perhaps, Internet, personal ads, singles events, friends reference, you name it, go where they are and talk....get acquainted.

Further contact along the way, with 20 of them, contact where you get to know each other a little more. Maybe getting together for coffee after an event, maybe some type of date etc. Agreeing to meet again at some event etc. where you can get further acquainted.

Out of that 20....4 or 5 long term friends are developed and wind up joining your "personal singles network". How you maintain that ever enlarging circle of your singles network, is another newsletter for another day.

About the same numbers and percentages, as my example of someone in direct marketing.

How much prospecting you do to maintain these figures, how long it takes to develop a pool of friends and dating prospects is determined by these numbers.

Saying "I wish" I had a lot of friends, acquaintances, and dating prospects, gets you nowhere.

Working at it does.

How you maintain that ever enlarging circle of your singles network and dating pool, is another newsletter for another day.

Harlan Jacobsen

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In the presence of greatness, pettiness disappears. In the absence of a great dream, pettiness prevails."
Robert Fritz
Composer, Filmmaker and Author

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This issue is late and I am so far behind in all sorts of projects including a new Az newspaper, that I have obtained permission to run an article by Lisa, which covers the subject I had planned for this issue, namely sex...the big issue in dating again. Here is her take on the subject and you will hear mine later which is not much different.

Harlan

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Let's Talk About Sex, Baby. By Lisa Daily

One of the most common questions I get from readers is: "How long should I wait before having sex with someone new?" (Actually, truth be told, this question comes primarily from women. With few exceptions, for most men the answer to the question "How soon should you have sex?" is "How soon can I get it?")

Obviously, the "right time" between two consenting adults varies with every relationship. Some people think it's okay to sleep with someone on the first date, others think nothing before marriage is acceptable. My own theory on the right time to do it for the first time falls somewhere in between tramp-o-rama and virgin nun.

If you're just looking for a wild night, and a serious relationship or pesky moral dilemmas aren't in the picture, then by all means, let the shirt buttons go flying. But, if what you're looking for is a long-term relationship, you should wait to have sex until you're in an exclusive relationship and hold off on doing the deed for at least a month. No sex for the first month. Really.

Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother used to repeat, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well, like it or not, in theory, it still holds true today. Sure the sexual revolution has loosened things up a bit, but as we all know, that old double standard still exists. Sure, you can either sit there, mentally debating with me about why it's unfair or wrong, or you can just smile and do what works.

After all, what's a little delayed gratification when we're talking about the man or woman of your dreams? Whip out the fur-lined handcuffs and edible undies on your honeymoon, if you're so inclined. The third date is not the time.

Okay, now try not to have a heart attack, it's really not that bad. Once you start dating someone exclusively, one more month really isn't that long to wait.

Why wait a month? The answer may surprise you. It has nothing to do with any moral issues, and it's not about playing hard to get. It's about chemistry. Brain chemistry.

The Love Drug

When women have sex, a chemical called Oxytocin is released in our brains. Scientists refer to it as the "Cuddle Hormone." Why? Because it causes the affected person to get all sorts of mushy, googly, nesting romantic feelings. So what happens if you have sex too soon? A guy you thought was just so-so yesterday suddenly becomes Mr. Fabulous once you've had sex with him. Did he stop ending jokes with "get it?", picking his nose or talking incessantly about his mother/pet iguana/job at the post office? No. The difference is sex. Doped up on Oxytocin, it's much more difficult to judge whether or not he's someone we really want to be with through the haze of googly-moogly romantic emotion.

The one-month sex embargo is just an extra measure of certainty, to make sure the guy is really someone you want to be involved with on that level of intimacy. How long you wait is up to you, as long as you wait at least a month. After the one-month mark, it will be abundantly clear to your man that you do not take this sex thing lightly, and that someone would have to be pretty darn special before you'd consider jumping into bed with him. And, you will have the opportunity to make your decision using your brain while it is still functioning properly.

Don't worry if you think your guy will leave if you don't have sex with him. After interviewing hundreds of men on the subject, I can tell you that this simply isn't a factor. If he can't wait until you're ready, he certainly won't be hanging around long after the deed is done. By waiting, you are sending a message to your guy that sex with you is something special, and he will have no choice but to believe you are worth the wait.

Nag. Nag. Nag. Safety first.

I would be remiss if I didn't stress the importance of safe sex. Always, always, always use a condom until you are both:
1) in a long-term, monogamous relationship and also
2) have both been tested and are clean for STDs.

If it freaks you out to buy condoms at the local Kroger with your yogurt and salad-by-the-pound, by all means order yourself a box from one of the many online drugstores. They'll deliver right to your door, and even your postal worker won't suspect a thing.

2004 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.
Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere. As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and Ricki Lake Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of man-snagging techniques, at http://www.stopgettingdumped.com

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Those of you wanting to discuss the subject, you might want to throw your coments and questions in at http://www.singlestalkshop.com

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Probably the two biggest words that get in the way of happy relationships is "money" and "sex."

If I talk about them, supposedly you have to handle the conversation with kid gloves or someone in our readers' list is going to get upset about what I just said and cancel their subscription.

They both get in the way of getting going with good relationships on a sound basis, so let's take up money first.

Many new to dating again believe they can not afford to date, there is no money left after paying attorneys, child support and all that so they are just "out of dating" until they get extra dollars somewhere.

Women say they can not afford to go out, the babysitter bill is just too much and is money that is just not available right now.

First of all, let's define what a "date" is... It is a contract to spend a specified amount of time together.

Nowhere in that definition did you see anything about money, (and/or sex).

If I can not take them out to a nice place they will think I am a cheap skate or not really all that interested, which I am. So I bust the budget and ask them to dinner at an expensive restaurant. This means I am out of it for the rest of the month.

Here is what you need to know....... Pre date, simply get together after the church singles event for coffee... Say, how about getting together and meeting for coffee at Dennys down the street a block after this is over?

If you can not afford the coffee, go dutch. The point is to spend some time together. If your budget is busted on account of your divorce or you have just been laid off....say so.

No need to pretend. They will think you do not like them or lost interest if you go a long period of no getting together, when it is actually your pocket book keeping you apart. Say so, and then suggest getting together at the park on Sunday afternoon, and feed the ducks... (use your old loaves of bread halves left over) Or the street art show...... or any kind of free public event.... the idea is just spending some quality time together...

If they are interested, they will be delighted you asked. If you're a woman, say my ex has the kids on....blank ...why don't we get together on.....and see the hot air balloon people take off early morning...blank...blank.

By the way ladies, the easiest way to handle the baby sitting bill is not to have one. Make a deal with a friend, she drops her kids off on blank night at your house, and you drop your kids off with her on blank night every week. Special other times on an even swap basis. There are even baby sitting cooperatives but that's another story....anyway.... Result, no baby sitting bills....

Another solution, do something together and take the kids along.... some men enjoy this, they miss being with their kids and this really helps them feel back to normal. Ask or offer to do that and make suggestions or say, I can go to the ...blank ...if we can take the kids along....

Back to money. Let's say a guy sends expensive flowers and offers to take her to something ungodly expensive...( this is because he really really wants to get to know this person.) She turns him down and he misses his opportunity. Why? Because she was not yet that interested. She thinks this guy is really going to be a problem. He thinks I am all that interested, I am not, so that ends it. If he had started with simple no cost or small cost she would go for it because she would know there is not commitment or representation she is that interested. She may be later, but in your spending big money she feels indebted, that she "owes" you being available when you want to go out etc. and she does not want you to get the wrong idea so she opts out.

Asking them out to a big expensive date is therefore counter productive in many cases.

Most men do not realize that one of the biggest problems of really attractive women particularly is going out with a man and then he latches on to her and pesters her all the time when she has decided she is not really that interested, and wants to end it.

Therefore, not overly showing interest, so that she knows she can get rid of you with no hassle if it doesn't go anywhere, improves your chances of spending time together and getting acquainted with this overly attractive person.

Again, if you are offering to spend a lot of tight budget bucks on her, she will feel obligated and may turn you down solely as too much too soon. I am interested in getting to know you but not that interested.

Some women will not give out phone numbers because of not being able to stop attention when she no longer wants it, decides you are not her type etc. We suggest giving out an IM address... You can shut them off of that in a minute...when needed. Read our article on Nobody wants your phone number any more, now they want your IM. go here...

(for you non-computer people, that IM stands for Instant Messaging.) It the ex got the computer, well there is always the public library and cyber cafes...

By the way, I operate a cyber cafe (that is a common name for a public place you can go and use a computer.) Especially handy to know about these, especially when overseas you can stop and pick up your email and keep in touch back home.

We have a cyber cafe in one of my stores, $2 an hour to use a (high speed connection) computer. You can see live web cam view here (http://www.cybercafe101.com) what this looks like, we have four cameras that sequence every 30 seconds so you will have to wait a couple minutes and maybe even have to hit refresh for the picture to stop at the view of the computers.

(6) two of the computers are down at the far end, lower down and you will likely not see the users there, and two of the monitors are sunk in the counter by the stool portion. This store and associated cyber business are open 7 days a week 16 hours a day and only a few hours a day are all six computers busy (seldom).

This is actually a place you can meet other computer users and there are a lot of customers who see each other here regularly and have become sort of computer buddies. This is sort of like meeting people at the laundromat.

Cyber Cafes are big overseas but in the US very few stay in business because most people have a pc and their own internet connection. Overseas your own connection is very expensive.

Our cyber cafe has a high speed connection so even some with dial up come in when they have a long session etc.

It is not self supporting but creates traffic for the video business. I think this name was derived from some cafes around the world adding a few stations to keep their customers hanging around and ordering more coffee etc.

Most now do not serve food or drinks, but just charge you by the hour etc. In Peru for example we went to Macho Pucho (mountain) and there is a little town at the base of the mountain, we were concerned this was so far out in the middle of nowhere, there would not be a cyber cafe to check in back home... turned out to be three in this little town.

Meanwhile back at the dating scene....

There is the story about the guy who had the idea that if he spent $50.00 on someone, they owed going to bed with him.

So far, he had spent $48.70 on her and she never did figure out why on the way home he kept asking if she was sure she did not want to stop for an ice cream sunday.

In about ten days I will turn 75, and if my alzhiemers doesn't kick in, we can talk about how sex fits in with the dating scene the second time around in the next issue.

Someone asked Bob Hope, back when he turned 90, "Bob, how is sex, now that you have turned 90?" "Oh," Bob said, "sex is still great, especially the one in the fall......."

If you know of anyone else who can benefit from a discussion of what works in dating the second time around, forward them a copy of this newsletter and suggest they subscribe, by sending a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com

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COLD FISH TO WARM AND CUDDLY

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When you start dating again you will often be dating within a group of friends and often your dating reputation may proceed you.

Now you may have a reputation as a warm and cuddly type or worst of all, as a "cold fish".

Let's define what makes the difference. First of all you need to know that we all have a dire need to be touched. This need is often confused with the need for sex. Some in fact get involved in unwise sexual relationships, as the only way they know to fill this "need" to be touched.

Actually, many are not even aware this strong unfilled need they have and miss after divorce, is this human need to be touched. They know they are missing something, it feels terrible, so they conclude sex must be what they are missing.

Older people living alone, widows and widowers for example, often find themselves driven to go to the hairdressers, the doctor and the chiropractor etc twice as often as they did before living alone, totally unaware, that this is to fill their dire need to be touched.

In developing dating relationships we have what we call the advancing "touch" stages of intimacy.

You should not be one of those who expect to go from no physical contact straight to "in bed together".

Please read this article on understanding your need to be touched, and the person you are dating needs to be touched. Go here

Be sure to read part two on the advancing stages of intimacy. Often we are afraid of touching, fearing our new partner may be offended. This article will cover what you need to know about that.

You need to know you can have great touching relationships with all your friends and acquaintances, not just those that are "sexual" prospects.

Make touching just common practice, in your contacts, not solely as a route to sexual intimacy. Remember, you are not only fulfilling your needs to touch and be touched, you are filling their needs also. You probably may not have realized it, but it is the one big thing you have been missing, and your friends and acquaintances have been too.

Here is a little note I do not think I have ever mentioned before. When I got on to this touching thing, whoever I was with, (dating) I stayed constantly in touch with, hand holding etc. and when sitting in a restaurant booth I never sat across from them, I moved the plate and silver ware over and sat alongside of them, maintaining constant touch the whole time.

The subject of giving hugs is another very important part of this....so much so that I had an entire web site I had devoted to it, called hugabunch.com. Everything I had ever put together on the subject was on that site...

Unfortunately, I forgot to renew the URL (web name) and the site was deleted, and no longer recoverable. All the material was lost. Have not had the time to put that all back together so just be aware, learning (it is learned) to freely give hugs is part of this touching thing.

At our divorce classes, to end them each week, we all stood in a circle holding hands, had an inspirational reading or sang a little ditty of some type together and then we had hug practice, you had to give out at least three "practice" hugs before you could leave.

This served several purposes, one of which was that these newly divorced people were starved for touch, filled some of their needs for that and made it possible to learn and experience that it is okay to touch people you are communicating with.

Soon you get to where it is a habit, it is just something you do automatically, and people soon are drawn to you and learn to like this warm and friendly you, and they are not sure why....

(you and I know the secret.... you touch)

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WARM OR COLD FISH COMMUNICATION

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When you look at reasons listed for divorce, right at the top of the list is "communication" or lack there of.

Believe it or not...most people really do not know how to fully communicate.

Sure, they know how to make blah, blah blah. The number or amount of blah, blah blah has very little to do with how "well" you communicate.

Somewhere, I have a long article I wrote on this but unable to find it for now, but will at least touch on this here so you will have at least heard of this, whether you are able to grasp this completely here or not.

Communicating with another person should come in stereo, two tracks... (you may be a mono)

First track is Fact....

Second track is feeling.....

Example, ...Most engineers are considered cold fish to talk to, they are trained to and basically only talk, respond to and deal in precise "facts". ( mono )

Psychologists, clergy etc. in contrast, are usually considered "warm and friendly" because they are trained to deal in and respond to stereo...(two tracks, fact and feeling)

Since this is not a book on the subject or even an article, therefore, here, I will just give one example to illustrate this.

Bill says, (in stereo) "Tomorrow I have to go to the hospital for prostate tests to see if I have cancer."

Mono response.....(fact)
"They tell me after 65 you should have those tests every couple years.

Stereo response (responding to the feeling component of Bills communication.)
"You sound like you are really concerned about this test, did you have some indications?"

What I am trying to make you aware of here in small space, is that to become a warm and friendly person, you need to learn to respond to the "feeling" component (stereo) that comes with most communication.

Respond to the feeling part (track) primarily and the fact part secondarily. Up until now, you likely only responded to the "fact" part of communications. (mono)

Update the all new you.....

Now as a "warm and friendly person," you fully communicate in stereo.

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We just posted another article, in a lighter vein, on the subject of the Pecking Order In the Singles Hen House. This will help you determine if you are top chicken, go here.

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I may not be your first, but to be your last would be perfect!" Author Unknown

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You know you are on a bad date when: Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"

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Last issue we brought out the statement that finding and connecting with your one big soulmate was:

Not Something that just happened, it was something you did.

Last issue we showed you that you were likely not to find them among the 100 first name basis friends you develop, but each of these people maintained 100 or more friends and it was in this 10,000 two handshakes away friends where "that special someone would float to the top" and you would connect as a result of activity with that first 100 friend network.

Well, by now, maybe you get the idea that you can only be a few places and meet a few people. But...your friends are a lot of places and meet and know a lot more people...some of which will be great prospects for you.

Let me explain it this way....

Raised on a farm, we often went Pheasant hunting. Walking down corn rows where pheasants hung out, you would scare up (fly) pheasant in the row you were in and a row on each side of you. Those you had a shot at. In the other rows they ran away from you side wise, out of reach and you never even knew they were there.

Bring along two bird dogs and they scare up pheasants fifty feet both sides of you. This increases the number of birds scared up and the shots you get a chance at five to ten times.

If people you meet anywhere are informed that you are looking and open to meet new opposite sex people, they will usually gladly act as bird dogs and scare up a lot birds for you that you will figuratively get a shot at.

When I was younger I worked as a salesman and worked strictly on commission. No sales equals no income. On commission, to survive you quickly figure out what works.

Talking around to people in general I met and sorted out only a few prospects. My income was limited by not finding many prospects.

Then I discovered every prospect I met and even the people that turned out to not be a real prospect each knew one or two people that they could refer me to that would be an interested prospect for my product.

Soon, I developed this to where all I had time to do was make sales pitches to these people I was referred to and since I was sent to only really qualified prospects I had been told something about, my income soon quadrupled.

All of my time was now spent on selling, not on looking and searching all over for prospects.

Your success will be expanded tremendously when you learn how to easily get other people to connect you with people they know that would be a prospect for you.

Here is an example from my real life experience.

While in England, we were window shopping in a craft shop. In the window were some interesting three dimensional pictures made from multiple copies of photographs. So we went inside.

They had a class just meeting on how to make those type of pictures. I paid the fee and took part in the class (my significant other went shopping for an hour elsewhere).

I spent an interesting hour learning this and chatting with the six local ladies (who were likely all married) and we all got well acquainted.

It occurs to me that if I had been looking to meet women while I was in England and I had asked them if they knew of any local ladies that would like to meet an American guy for coffee, I bet I would have instantly gotten several referrals.

To do this more easily you need a few tools (aids). Business cards are just as essential a tool for you as they are for someone in sales (you can even make your own with your pc and printer). For more on tools, read here

Everywhere you go and of all the people you meet, few will be prospects, but nearly all will know someone or will meet someone in the future that is a prospect for you.

Therefore, if you have all these people recruited and delighted to be continually bird-dogging for you, it will absolutely amaze you the matching quality of what gets scared up with little or no time or effort on your part.

With this source of a steady flow of new prospects, you are able to enjoy much more of your time dating, not prospecting.

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We are advertis'd by our loving friends.
William Shakespeare

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COMMITMENT......
Received an e-mail from a lady who needed an answer as to how to handle her one year relationship with her male friend, ....why he still refused to commit.

Since this seems to be a question asked quite often and since we try to be a complete source on the subject of dating again and had nothing on the subject, to fill the gap, I put this response together for her. You can read it .... at the web address where I work on articles,.... So if you want to look at the uncompleted, unedited article version, here it is...

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Merry Christmas
We do wish everyone a peaceful and happy holiday season. Here is a Christmas Story we would like to share with you...... go here
You may want to share it with others.

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What you get when you cross a reindeer and a pickle.... http://www.singlestalkshop.com/pic1.gif ">click here

The best Saddam Chuckles
Picture two

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BACK IN CIRCULATION

The usual getting back into dating thought is to go on an all out search for Mr. or Ms. Right to rescue you from the pain of divorce and loneliness.

You finally have one that says "Hi there" and you latch right on to them. Turns out you were just not what they were interested in, and you are devastated.

You were so needy others resign the job of trying to fill your needs.

What are the real statistical odds of you ever meeting and maintaining a significant other using this off and on emotional roller coaster serial monogamy finding someone to fill your needs, searching system?

Almost nil odds, and you eventually give up on it, and settle for Mr. or Ms. Wrong.

You spend tremendous effort trying to mold and change who you met into what you need in your life now. Cruel fate, they refuse to shape up.

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You wonder how some people seem to have all the luck in winning contests and prizes and/or in meeting the "right" people.

Turns out you discover, that these winners are entering 50 or 60 contests every week and you are entering only one or two or none.

So quite naturally, they are the one winning the prizes.

When it comes to meeting the "right" people you will find that those that are having all the luck in meeting the interesting people are talking to and getting acquainted with a LOT of people each week.

You can too.......

Nope...... you do not have to talk to people you are uncomfortable with.

Start out talking to those that show some interest, ........start out talking to the easy ones.

Everywhere you go.....people standing in line at the grocery store that seem friendly.

Practice talking to people everywhere you may be.

Talk to everyone, drop the idea that they have to look like or measure up to your Mr. or Ms right preconcieved standard.

What do you say?

Easy......... ask a question about your mutual present environment or current situation. Make it a question that requires more then a yes or no answer.

Surveys have shown that people that have the most luck, smile over twice as often as those that have little luck.

You say you don't feel like smiling?

Fake it....

Did you know that you can not fake it more then 60 seconds, the feeling catches up.

The people who exhibit closed body language close their arms and legs and orient themselves away from the person they are speaking to.

Those using "open" body language aim their body language and their body directly at the person they are talking to, uncross their arms and legs and use many gestures that expose open palms.

This open "body" language and a disarming smile "attract" people to talk to them and these surveys found the most successful people used three times as many facial expressions (smile) and open body language as those not succeeding.

The more people you talk to at a party or event or anywhere, the greater the chance of meeting eventually what may turn out to be a dream partner or a lifetime friend.

This is just the start, the chances and probabilities of succeeding long term are not only dependant on your ability to attract (people magnet) and get to know a lot of people, it is your ability to be trusting and be able to form close relationships with others of both sexes and develop a solid network of friends.

START A NEW HOBBY......

Collect people......Make friends.....and then try to keep in touch with them all. Keep in contact.

Be completely sincere and authentic, no pretending......

90% of your success with significant dating relationships, dream partner, etc. will come not necessarily with, but as a direct result of this network of friends.

STOP SEARCHING FOR MR. OR MS. RIGHT

Concentrate instead now, to build initially the solid network, a foundation of friends and single family.

If you develop 100 friends on a first name basis and they each know 100 friends on a first name basis, you are then only two handshakes away from 10,000 prospects.

Once more, we are telling you that 90% of your great "chance encounters" that turn out to be "biggees" will come through as a result of your having this network of friends.

Remember, it takes only one such great "chance encounter" to change your life.

TO fully DEVELOP PEOPLE SKILLS...practice, practice, practice.

When you make it a point to chat with people everywhere you go, you get practice and learn to be comfortable, relaxed and enjoy it.

With lots of practice you become good at meeting people and you will find yourself automatically developing many friends over time.

Be interested in people and they will be drawn to you. Learn how to listen, not just talk to people.

Develop a relaxed fun attitude about meeting people. Stop being rigid about who you talk to, and for heavens sake stop considering whether they are a prospect for the Mr. or Ms. Right quest.

Remember, your dream encounter is likely not in this basic 100 starter friends, they will likely show up in the jewels of the 10,000 they know and will eventually connect you with.

Be open to surprises, new experiences and new people.

Go out of your way to put newness and change in your life. Take a different route, shop at a different store. Maximize your chance opportunities for new people and new experiences.

Make a great effort to keep in touch with further contact with the people you meet, maintain these relationships by keeping in contact and this is another whole subject in itself which we have articles on. It is very important.

Do not be afraid of rejection. If it is a factor, http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/rejection1.html" >go here and read the Rejection series. It will never be a problem again.

If you go to a party hoping to meet Mr. or Ms. Wonderful, you are likely to be disappointed.

If you just go to add to and maintain your network of friends you will have a successful night and who knows you still have a shot at a significant encounter.

Learn to relax....(again that is another set of articles) get rid of uptight stress......Learn to Relax and get to where you make meeting new people a fun thing to do.

MEETING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT just HAPPENS,..... IT IS the result of SOMETHING you DO.

You meet and develop friendships with lots of "someones."

One day as a matter of these contacts and friends you will have a special someone appear and float to the top, like cream does in whole milk.

It just happens, It is automatic as a direct result of what you have been doing.

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In case your kids are upset when you start going out here is an article we just posted on the subject, go here...

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Here is our lighter subject for the day...
MACHO KID.... Go here

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Self Limiting Your Dating Prospects

When you start dating, you will normally start looking for someone to date that fits you within your limited comfort zone.

You will be comfortable dating only people that are very similar in personality to your ex because that is the type of personality you are long-term familiar and comfortable with.

Any dating prospect much different than that will likely be "scary" and uncomfortable.

If you were married to a wife beater, you will tend to find that type of personality again and feel "comfortable" with another one.

You decide this must be the right one for me, they just feel so right...(comfortable)(familiar). (You find out about the wife beater part later...when remarried).

What you have when you date someone far different than your ex, is stressful and you are not at ease because they are out of your "familiar" experience.

This means you are probably not comfortable and not enjoying being with them initially.

You need to understand that you need to keep at this "uncomfortable" to get you to where you E X P A N D your "comfort zone" to a wide range of people..

We hear all the time all sorts of crazy restrictions placed on who they will date and what they are looking for in friends and dating prospects.

Most of these restrictions are self-limiting and self-imposed, keeping them from dating a lot of great people, and is a result of you sort of acting as your own jailer and limiting your own life.

We say... Let yourself out, allow new types of people into your life, expand your world, and yes it is scary but it gets to be great fun and you grow as a person.

You can grow more as a person in your first year of your divorce than you did in twenty years of your marriage.

You will do that through and grow as a result of the many single people you connect with in many different ways.

Each different type of person will expand your life, your thinking and widen the range of what you are no longer uncomfortable with.

(Expand your comfort zone)

This includes friends and dating prospects and even in building your new singles family. You can gain from each person you interact with.

We tell you to remember the old axiom, no pain no gain. No discomfort, or nothing scary, means you are not expanding your life.

When you go out initially and latch on to "someone" comfortable, namely someone like your ex, (permanently) you are limiting yourself essentially to reruns.

Yes we know........ You tend to want to go back and "repeat" what was a known quantity of what is (or was) comfortable and familiar.

We tell you not to latch on to anyone person for at least six months.

Now is the time to expand your comfort zone, your range of people in your life.

Now is the time to be exploring, doing things with many different types of people, taking risks doing these new things with all kinds of people, (outside of your initial comfort zone) with no artificial self imposed limitations, (out of the rut) and allow yourself to get into really living.

It becomes a real rush of excitement like you have never known before.

This is how, when you meet old friends a year from now, you can honestly report, I have gone from the worse time of my life, (divorce) to the very best time of my life, and it gets better all the time.

Let=92s try comparing this to when you go out, in this strange new place you find yourself in, you will tend to always eat out at McDonalds, it is familiar, consistent and is a known quantity and quality.

You know what the food is like, it is comfortable and it is familiar. (safe bet).(no risk)

Let us say there are thirty places to eat out in this new place you have moved to.

In the first six months, for example you make a special effort and you allow yourself to try all 30, even though you know you might get heartburn at some and you had a preconceived notion there are some you would likely not like but you go ahead anyway and allow yourself to try them all, because you are solely in charge of you now.

You will discover, by taking some risks, some really great places to eat out of the 30, and some of them will be surprises that you normally would not even have allowed yourself to try under your old self imposed ideas and limitations.

You will now look forward to going out to eat with great enthusiasm and relish, because you have found there is more to eating out than McDonalds.

You have expanded your life. You have discovered a whole new world of eating out and have grown as an enthusiastic "living life to its full potential" person.

Remember, you are your own jailer, drop your old self-imposed limitations, get rid of your expectations and demands, take risks and let yourself out.

Turn the key, discover, expand and become comfortable with, and allow yourself out to enjoy this whole new much wider world of people that are readily available on the outside of your self limiting box.

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"You may delay, but time will not."
-Benjamin Franklin

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A MANS PREFERRED SEX DAYS

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.

It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".

Examples of those days are as follows:

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday
Thunday

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Officially Single Yet?
When are you officially "Single".?
Here is an article with some thought and yardsticks on that subject. click here

Dating before the divorce is final..

We have many articles we have written on the subject.....
Here is some advice from a guest author with some well thought out thoughts on the subject.
Dating During Divorce Isn't Wise, by Judge Anne Kass click here

Judge Anne Kass has written 93 articles which we have posted on the subject of the legal aspects of children of divorce and other great articles on the coming apart process and how they affect the legal process. We know most of these have nothing much to do with dating, If you want to be informed, this is the best information source on the web go here......

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Conquering a CHEATING heart.....
If you had any thing or connection with cheating by either party of your divorce or in your dating relationship you may want to understand more about how it works. To get a new insight into understanding it, not usually written about... go here.

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If someone has forwarded this newsletter to you and you would like to subscribe, just send a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com

Copyright 2003 by Harlan. L. Jacobsen

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This free "Dating Again" newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe.
If a friend sent you this and would like to get your own copy every 2 or 3 weeks or so, subscribe at bottom of page. (Unsubscribe anytime, same place)

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This issue we are going to talk about some of the findings in a study of 3,500 singles age 40 to 69 which I assume (guess) makes up about 70% of our readers.

This June 2003 study was sponsored by the AARP magazine and you can go read it for yourself in its entirety and even print it out. (over an inch thick of pages) go here This study has a lot of information on what other singles are doing and what is working etc.

What I list here is condensed, my phraseology and interpretation of the findings.

According to the study about a third of singles are into "exclusive dating" and about a third are into "non-exclusive" dating.

We took up both last issue and we reminded you that they used to call "exclusive dating" back in high school as "going steady.

We called the non exclusive dating..."casual dating" which means you are dating whoever and whenever you choose.

The study says about 9% dropped out from dating, some being "burned" (my term) and saying now..."who needs em".

We try to help keep you out of the traps that upset you so bad you "give up" and drop out for life.

We try to tell you what we have observed will likely make your love life "hum along merrily" and not be this roller coaster ride of emotional ups and downs.

We can both learn a lot from this study.

The study says that 13% are "hoping" but just not having much luck.

(we are working to move you out of this one)

They state that 14% would get interested in dating again only if Mr. or Ms. Right rode up on their white horse and said... "Hi there."

They said 7% of single men and 3% of single women preferred the same sex... so we wont go near that one....since we have no expertise in that area.

Significant is the combined same sex and drop outs means about 15% of the single population is off the "market" so to speak......and these reject any "traditional dating approaches etc".

Understand of course that you, when new to dating, have little or no way of recognizing who these people are that if you approached them would mean certain rejection.

The main reason the study finds for dating at all is to have someone to talk to and/or do things with. (49%)

Apparently the "drop outs" just get a cat.

They state men want the "sexual dimension built in."

The second reason to date is "simply to have fun." (18%)

Not expressed is whether sex falls in that "fun" category, but they did find that 11% of the men list sex as their "main reason" for dating.

Not sure why women seem to claim that all the men they date seem to only be in that 11%.

Only 2% of women say that they date to fill their "sexual needs."

Note to men: sorting out the 98% is the hard part.

Women they say claim in the study that they are looking for a pleasing personality, (whatever that is) a sense of humor, and common interests along with the right personal, moral and religious values.

The having a few bucks is listed as being important for women, but they call it "financial stability."

Not sure if this means they are getting their welfare check regularly or not.

Men like all these things too, but add in "physically attractive" and "sexual activity.

For meeting people, they say friends, relatives and work are still the best bet....

(We have been trying to tell you why "friends in abundance is the key to meeting dating prospects)

Single organizations, matchmaking and online are moving up fast as a way of meeting and are all starting to compete with "going to church."

29%, they say, are "having difficulty finding dates..."

This apparently means the other 71% are not having difficulty finding dates.

We hope to help get and keep you in that category.....

Interesting that 34% of men and 21% of women say they would co-habitate if in a committed exclusive relationship.

31% of women say they would get married vs 25% of men.

Now comes a statistic from the study that we need to talk about after last issues....back burner concept....

They say 47% of the men and 52% of the women feel that it is "cheating" if you date two people at the same time..... even if "you've never agreed that the relationship would be exclusive.

Wow...that blows me away.....

In other words if I date you once according to your expectations, then I am frozen and you "own me" until I quit dating you......

Guess what.....I would opt out and quit dating you right now....if that is the condition......

Now maybe you can figure out why a lot of people only date you once......

Here is a story I tell in the classes from real life experience that illustrates this....

I had not seen Michele in the dating classes for a week or two and ran into her at the Safeway grocery shopping......

I asked Michele, I am curious, have you gotten around to starting dating yet...

Oh yes, she said, I went out once a couple weeks of ago.

You haven't gone out since?

No, she said, I don't need to go out again.... I met a really nice guy and I am so excited.....he liked me and took my phone number.

Has he called....?

No, he has not called, its been a little over two weeks but I am sure he is going to call, we really got along great.

Her expectation...she took her self off dating.... making new friends and meeting people because she "met someone" she liked.

Casual dating is dating whoever and whenever and you date someone on that basis - everyone involved should know this.

When you both agree to an exclusive dating arrangement where you both date "no one else," then if you dated someone else that would be "cheating."

You make dates with interesting people. A date is a contract for sharing a period of time. You can specify in advance if you like, what the date activity is to be, such as going to a concert together.

If I go to a concert with you tonight, that does not mean I can not go dancing with someone else Saturday night, and then ask with a clear conscious if you want to go to the balloon races Sunday morning with me.

I understand newly singled who have been married and fastened to and "owned" by one person for 20 years, have a problem with that concept, but lets get real here.....

When you got divorced... now, no one owns you nor do you have any right to first dibs on ANYONES time, nor should you have an expectation to "own" anyone until you get involved in what you BOTH agree is an "EXCLUSIVE" relationship.

Until then you nor they are entitled to any expectation or demand that they "date" only you AND you have no justification to be upset when they date someone else.

You should also be dating other people and you are totally free to do so. You should also be out continuing to meet new people, developing new single friends and new dating prospects.......

Sitting by your phone for two weeks waiting for someone to call because you liked them is absolutely bizarre.

In the dating classes I was always on the lookout anywhere and everywhere for any long time single that seemed to be doing great on developing good relationships.

Whenever I found one....I would ask them, and not inquire as to how they were doing it... I'd just say...can I get you to talk to the class for a half hour on how it works for you and what has succeeded in making your dating life work.

So it was always a surprise on what they were going to say.....and I of course learned from every one of them because I attended ten years of these classes without fail.

This one lady, who was really not attractive at all, probably in her fifties and did not stand out or appear as someone who really had the dating thing going her way... and as a result her talk and what she had to say blew everyone away......

She said she had about ten men she saw and dated regularly. She said her ex only wanted to sit in front of the tv and drink beer.

Now, she dated different people for different reasons, because she said, you never find anyone that fits everything.

She had one man who liked to come over to her house and fix things. When her toilet would not stop running, he would come over and fix it.

He even came over and did routine maintenance. When his coveralls needed mending, he brought them over and she sewed them up... this had gone on for years... That was it....sum total of the relationship.

She had another guy she dated every Wed. night and they just loved dancing together.
They had a really great time together every Wed. night and she had never ever found anyone she had so much fun dancing with.

That was it.....sum total of the relationship, dancing.

Then she had a guy she went to foreign movies with every Friday night. Had never ever dated anyone else that liked her kind of movies and this guy loved foreign movies. This has been going on for a long time also. That was the sum total of the relationship....

Then she had a guy she went skiing with..  There are many more examples...but I will just tell you the punch line....that blew the class away....

She said she met a guy that was really sensational in bed and really knew how to ring her chimes....they had nothing going compatible otherwise and absolutely the only thing she did with him...was she had sex with him... several times a week whenever either were interested.

That was the sum total of the relationship.

She related how she had gotten good at meeting men and thereafter never had any trouble meeting men. After all these years I still remember one tip she shared with the class.....she said, if nothing else is working... about 11 clock at night go down to the 7-11, the security guard is almost always "available."

The class was really shook up that here was someone who was very ordinary looking, was not considered attractive or anything apparent going for her and she had the opposite sex dating thing completely under her control.

She had the best of everything....no wonder I had detected and picked her out as some one who was happily leading a top of the ladder life..as a single person....

If she could do it....they felt they certainly could too...

Maybe this has little to do with 49% thinking you own someone if you date them once... but it will help expand your thinking and maybe help you realize you are your own jailer, with all these erroneous expectations and demands you connect with anyone dating you.

Only you can let yourself out......you have the key.

MORE ON THE STUDY NEXT ISSUE...
To read more about correcting your erroneous expectations and demands go here: http://divorcerecovery101.com/happiness.html this page is not about changing your dating, it is about changing your =93set in cement=94 programming that is keeping and limiting your life from soaring.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Lose just one ounce per day, there will be 11.4 pounds less of you in just six months. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Worlds worst opening line..... Hi there, you look familiar, didn't I see you standing in line last week at the VD clinic?

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Over 1000 helpful links for singles. It took us over six months of hard work to put this resource page together. Singles switchboard, go here

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This dating again newsletter is sent to those who subscribe and are interested in learning more about "what works" in adult dating the second time around.

If you just met Mr. or Ms. Wonderful and need to stop learning or for any reason want to unsubscribe, see below.

If you have any friends that are scared to death about getting back into dating or are "bombing," send them a copy of this newsletter and suggest they subscribe, instructions also down below.
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This is the "BACK BURNER" ISSUE

When you became divorced you not only lost a partner and lover, you lost a dream.

Many were far more in love with the concept of marriage than they ever were of their spouse.

So when the spouse left, the dream of the white picket fence, the coming home and dinner was waiting, the welcome kiss at the door, the kids playing in the living room, all that "in love with marriage," went with them.

Many, when getting back into dating now, are not really looking for a great relationship, they are looking for someone that has a good possibility to reinstate the "dream."

They measure them up and if there is no possibility of that, they will not waste their time "dating" anyone that shows no promise of reinstating that "dream" for them.

Three Kinds of People

1. Dumb, never learn
2. Smart, learn from their mistakes
3. Wise, learn from others' mistakes


You learn from "others" that the long term happiness ratio and success with this "search for and latching on to a dream reinstater," is almost nil.

Continuing with this all out quest is a mistake "many others have made."

You are certainly free to pursue it.

Animals never learn from those who have gone before them.

Each generation makes the same mistakes.

Human beings have an advantage, they can learn from those who have gone through what they are going through.

We have invested 32 years into learning what works and what seems to not work and pass both on to you.

Therefore in this matter, in our classes on getting on with life, we passed out a simple rule:

NO MATE HUNTING FOR SIX MONTHS OR MORE AFTER DIVORCE

Most are suffering severe pain from the end of a long term relationship, they were addicted to the relationship, and when that person is gone and the relationship ends they go through "severe withdrawal pains."

They erroneously conclude that they must have "really really loved them" or they would not feel all this pain.

They absolutely have to get them back.....

They knock themselves out trying...crying, anything to get them back and stop this "pain."

Finally, after months (or even years) they realize it is not going to happen.

They dash out to find someone new to fill the gap and "stop" this agonizing "relationship withdrawal pain" like an alcoholic no longer able to pass a liquor store.

Anyone will do....

This newly found person stops the pain....

Then they erroneously conclude.....

This must really be the right person, it feels so good......... they make me feel good again.

When they split, (and they will) then we have devastation, even worse than the divorce loss.

Some never recover from this second severe emotional shock, erroneously conclude they must be totally undesirable and defective, then withdraw for long periods, even for life, from the "dating and relationship world."

So....... Rule number two...

DATE..... BUT NO "LATCHING ON" TO ANYONE FOR SIX MONTHS OR MORE..

Sure you can date someone regularly, this just means...."no promises."

What this means you are right up front with the fact you are not into any "exclusive" relationships for six months or simply put you are "not ready" for exclusive dating right now.

The high school term for this, was "going steady".....remember that one?

The mutual expectation when going "steady" is that you stop going out to meet and stop mixing with other singles, stop adding new singles to your network of friends that you do things with.

Nor adding new people to your "singles family" and certainly not adding anyone new, to your list of dating prospects.

Unfortunately, your supply of singles for all of these important parts is like water stored in a large water tank, with a slow leak.

With this type of leak you need to constantly be adding to it or it soon becomes empty.

If your "exclusive" dating arrangement lasts for any length of time and then ends, when you try to go back your supply of single support people you needed to thrive will have most all leaked out.

They become "unsingled" like you were, move away, etc. and just drop away from non attention on your part.

Date someone regularly if you like, with both of you knowing both can, are free to, and should also continue to be socializing with and even continue meeting new people and prospects in addition to dating others.

Most newly divorced will conclude that after 20 years of being with one person, the very idea they can date or have more than one person on their dating roster does not feel comfortable.

Therefore......

Not having the courage to stretch their "comfort zone" to new dimensions, they are only into and limit themselves to what is known as "serial monogamy."

One relationship after another.

......Have to be absolutely sure this one is not coming back and is "over" before allowing themselves to meeting or dating anyone else.

This results in emotional ups and downs (highs and lows), a dating roller coaster with such severe ups and down that it can literally make you sick.

Many can not handle the resulting emotional turmoil and get off (withdraw from dating).

You alone (not parents, not spouse, not any new single friend) are now in control of you....so "you" can allow yourself when dating to continue to meet people, maintain a whole network of single friends and a singles family of close single friends.

In addition is dating several people at the same time, called "casual dating."

Eventually, when you get "overbooked" you will need to decide what the maximum is you can participate with and have on your "active" dating roster before feeling fragmented.

Let's say to illustrate this, that you have a four burner stove (you decide how man burners you have).

You also have some back burners or equivalent of a warming oven.

Let's say you can comfortably have four things cooking at one time.

More than that and it gets to be too much, so you limit yourself to .

Any more dating prospects than that, you need to let them know you are interested but are just overbooked (your burners are full) right now.

Let's just say you put them on one of your back burners or waming oven for now.

When one on the front burners is done or gets off the stove you can move something up from the back burner or warming oven, but not until then.

You need to continue to meet new people and keep adding a new prospect you would eventually like to "try cooking with," you simply just put on the back burners for now.

If one on the front burners boils over, or is ruined, no big deal...you now have ample supply and the opportunity to move something you looked forward to try, up from a back burner.

Nobody, during this six month's practice and perfecting your cooking skills, can "do it to you." If one cooks to a crisp, you won't starve, you will hardly even notice they are gone.

True, you may have wished some had "cooked" longer or turned out better, and never lived up to your gourmet expectations, but eventually everything gets better and better when you find out what's worth cooking, and what's not.

To then be able to make room for new and constantly upgrading possibilities.

Your emotional dating health will merely have small highs and lows, and what's "cooking" sort of hums and bubbles along merrily......

Only after six months of this "practice cooking" will you be an expert on "you" and your cooking abilities.

Only then, will you have fully gained an accurate knowledge of what is available and (who) really deserves to be on the big front burner (on "high" on your stove full time.

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PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED

One fellow says, every time he went to a relative's wedding, one or other of his elderly Aunts would come over, poke a finger in his ribs and chuckling say...."you're next."

He said he finally figured out how to get it stopped.

When he saw them at funerals, he would go over to them, poke a finger in their ribs and chuckling, say, ......"you're next."

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If you would like to talk about getting into dating again with other folks in the same position try "chatting" with other newly singled by going to our "talk it out" site: click here http://singlestalkshop.com

It is free of course and open 24 hours. Simple to use and No waiting.

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Did you know we have four Free newsletters? Two (similar but for different regions) edited by my daughter Janet. We have an address for all four, on one page click here You might want to sign up for our free courses which you will also find listed there.....

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Todays bumper sticker....
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.    <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

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This newsletter is sent only to those who subscribe. If you were sent a copy by a friend and you would like to get your own free copy every two or three weeks or so, then see how to subscribe at the bottom of the page. If you have met someone special who thinks you should not learn any more about love and romance or whatever they think you are learning here, you can unsubscribe at the bottom of the page. If they dump you, you can always resubscribe at the same place.

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We can not develop a relationship for you.

Reading the greatest book on the subject or attending the greatest relationship course won't do it for you.

Even watching those good at it, succeeding at a great rate, won't do it for you.

To succeed at playing the piano....you have to play the piano. Watching others play wont help.

To succeed at developing relationships and romance, you have to become an active participant.

This is why we tell you to practice, practice, practice. By becoming an active participant you will find we can help by giving you insights, suggestions, guiding you through the scary parts, and offering you encouragement.

You expect one day to find, develop, or be discovered by Mr. or Ms Super......

How will you recognize them or keep from letting them slip away, if you have no active experience in adult dating?

To learn this skill and ability you must be open minded, patient, trusting and not easily discouraged. You must be willing to experiment, get out of your traditional comfort zone, be flexible, and not take it all too seriously.

Enjoy yourself and have fun along the way.

You want to be able to look back two years from now when someone has you all wrapped up in a package, that this was a great time in your life.

We used to tell the story in our classes of the painter who decided he was not going to paint until he found the perfect scene to paint. He searched and searched for years. Finally he lucked onto the perfect scene to paint.......he took out his paints to paint this wonderful scene, and do you know what......I would ask....?

One class, a guy says, I bet all his paints had dried up..

That too, but he discovered that he no longer knew how to paint.

This is one of the reasons why we want you to avoid any thought of "mate hunting" for six months. Now you are meeting and dating just people that are fun and interesting. Practice dating as a fun challenge to get where you are comfortable and having a good time.

You and they, are neither one expected to be perfect at or even good at this dating thing.

Remember, you are not yet ready for Carnegie hall, (nor Mr. or Ms. Super) you are just practicing and as a result you can expand your dating pool and possibilities that you practice with, and doing so expands your comfort zone.

While just "practicing" adult dating and developing relationships, you can let go of your long time rigid expectations and demands, plus you are now no longer finding it necessary to measure them up with your "lifetime mate" (or the "perfect scene" yardstick.

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a friend is like a good bra...

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always lifts you up
Makes you look better
And Always Close To Your Heart!!!

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To see a great airbrush paint job.....go here

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CRACK POT FRIENDS sent by a friend

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishment, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.

Moral of the Story:
Each of us has our own unique flaws.
We're all cracked pots.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Blessings, to all my crackpot friends.

Harlan L. Jacobsen
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If you have been sent this newsletter by a friend and would like to subscribe, send a blank email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com

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Last issue we pointed out that a person such as a newly singled rancher on a ranch in Montana has a different problem in working back into the "dating again" scene than a school teacher in L.A.

This issue we will lay out some plans to get your relationship life on a flow situation (automatic) (fun) no matter where you live.

When you first get back into dating again it will seem a little scary and uncomfortable and quite often "disappointing".

Something you likely did last as a teenager.

Dating again no matter where you live is going to be entirely different this time around and what really worked for you last time will likely now turn out to be a complete dud.

In our http://datingagain101.com dating site we have articles to get you to what we call "realistic expectations" to make you aware that the competitive situation for you as an adult has changed drastically.

What I am trying to point out here is that many go out and find it so different than they expected, they often bomb or get burned the first time out so badly, that they go home and do not feel up to venturing out again for six months.

What we want to impart here in this issue is that you need to set up a schedule, or program if you will, of time and energy devoted each week to your socially meeting, mixing with and dating other singles.

Last issue we compared dating again to learning to play the piano...... That after you get past the basic drudgery and scales, etc. and can play it without thinking about it, (automatic) then it starts to become fun.

This issue we might compare it to your learning to ride a bicycle, after really working at it and a few crashes, it eventually became automatic, and as a result, fun in itself and not only that after getting really good at it, it allowed you to get around and expand your world.

You need now to get into the habit of devoting a certain amount of energy and effort each week on a regular basis without fail, to meeting, interacting with and dating other singles. Also reading up and becoming better informed on the subject on a regular basis.

Do this on a regular basis whether you are a big success or not, eventually you will become comfortable, it will become automatic and fun as you eventually figure out what works where you live.

We can give you a long list of what works for different people in different areas and what works one place or situation will not necessarily work another.

Over my lifetime I have likely started and operated at one time over 50 different businesses and still own and operate seven.

So when I had heard some bright idea or example of someone operating a business that might work for me I visited a lot of people all around the country currently operating that type of business and asked each what was working for them, that might work in my area.

Here I suppose I can give you some "bright ideas" that might or might not work or even be a viable option where you live.

Your best bet however is to do what I did, talk to people who are doing it successfully and ask them what works or is working for them to meet interesting compatible singles.

What do they recommend you do to get started? I would ask singles from both sexes...where do you go and what is working for you in meeting and dating singles.

When you are finally finding some place where you can meet and mix with singles in your locality, and you need a conversation starter, I would use this one as a universal.

Say this for example......"I am just new to this singles social thing and I was just wondering where or what has worked for you in getting back into dating again."

Make this a habit and as you practice adult dating you will also continue picking up information and ideas that others locally use successfully that you can try.......

Therefore when you go out, you are practicing meeting people, and learning "what works" for others where you live that you can try.

If you get in some practicing and some learning what works for others, you can consider it a successful day, or evening.

Soon you will be comfortable talking to and getting acquainted and you will soon know "what works" for you and what does not.

We suggest you invest a few hours and some energy in pracice developing and maintaining single friendships during the week.

Perhaps on the internet, personal ads, email, chat groups, or local singles groups.

Example: every Friday night you find some place to go where other singles go, save Saturday night as date night and if nothing going attend singles parties etc.

Sunday you might attend local church singles groups functions, and Sunday afternoon dating time, or whatever is going on that might be helpful. You figure out what works in your situation and area.

The whole point here is that you do this on a regular basis. You set aside time and energy (and a few bucks).

Just like riding the bicycle, it will not be long before this is all automatic and no longer stressful like it was initially, and now you will look forward to it as a "fun" time.

A challenge and no longer a threat.

Getting back to the Montana Rancher, there is a singles magazine in Montana packed with cowboy types who seem to have great success in meeting thru this publication. It is called Sweetheart Magazine, $3.00 for a sample copy.
Sweetheart Magazine
PO Box 514
St. Ignatuis Mt. 59865

Not sure of the status since one of the publishers was fighting cancer last I heard. They also threw two or three state wide singles parties and when there is any big singles event I would make darn sure I attended... no matter where in the state since it will likely be months before another one.

Our http://countrysingles.com and associated newspaper have some readers in Montana and I am sure there are other web sites that may be of help.

Again, when you run into or visit with any other singles in your area, ask what has or is working for them in meeting other singles. That is by far your best source.

An example, one single man told me that there are square dance clubs almost everywhere and there are a zillion women who have lost a spouse partner and can no longer go to square dances successfully because of no partner. So single men are in great demand and clubs get together with other clubs constantly so you are constantly meeting new single people. Said if you did not know how to square dance....no sweat....there were a zillion single women who would love to teach you.... just locate a square dance club. You will often find a square dance group just for singles... They all seem to have a big time and develop a solid network of very close friends of both sexes.

Now comes the key to meeting the right people as a single person. Surveys that we and others have ran found that singles reported when asked where or how they had met their most successful dating relationships, 80% were through friends.

Even if 49 of the 50 square dance club members are married, they become good friends and knowing you are single will keep an eye open, and introduce you to opposite sex singles that they know and meet that they think would be "just your type".

This is why we tell you over and over, just get out there and develop a solid network of single friends. The really great singles dating propects will sort of trickle down from that.

To locate any type of singles or other group in your area I suggest you contact your local library, ask for the research department and tell them you need their assistance to find....a ...whatever type of local group you are looking for.

Now, the school teacher in LA.....There are many events for singles in LA but the hard part again is finding them. All of the singles publications that I knew of in LA, have all gone out of business but new ones do spring up, so again, ask other singles.

(If you live in Phoenix....or plan to visit, go to http://AzSingleScene.com or pick up a copy of the paper in newspaper vending machines on the sidewalk in front of post offices and public libraries, it lists dozens of clubs and events you can attend every day.)

Parents without partners, a national singles organization has chapters in all the big cities and even many small cities, it is a starting place if nothing else. To attend you need to have had children....even if they are grown.

Go here and enter your state to find a local chapter. http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org/chapterfind.asp

One single that wrote me an email as to where to go....I suggested most likely to find would be "parents without partners." He found a local chapter and attended a meeting.

He reported that it was like going to a rest home.... Well, now that may be true in some areas but others have thriving groups with hundreds of members and lots of good events. Like I said, you really need a starting place.

Let me tell you why you get the wrong impression when you attend many singles groups...

Lets say we start a group with 100 singles... Along the way over one year let's say 100 additional show up at one event or another.

They meet and run off with the good dating prospects that were in the group, so that mostly what is left attending is the non dating, or non desireable or not ready for dating prospects.

Even if this is true....in your local group etc. remember, there are others like you that stop by checking it out, and if you are the only dating desireable person... in attendance.... bingo....

The other can not lose benefit....is these still attending people may have been single for a long time and they know what goes for singles in your area....so that is why I tell you....no matter how bad the singles group is....someone there can give you information you need to find in order to locate the good places.......

There fore we tell you...... it is a START.
You can not lose....it is worth the effort. You may find people in your area on singles chat on the net that know something of the local scene.....but often they are talkers not doers.

What you want to find out information from is the doers... (what's working?)

In large cities, there are often singles parties and even individuals have great singles parties. If you ask other singles where they go, they will often know of these type of events and maybe get you invited to one.

You will not find these listed anywhere. You find out about these only talking to other singles. When you develop this network of single friends, you keep in touch and discuss, "what's working".
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Will Rogers

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Dating Again Newsletter #20, 7/29/03

We write for a wide range of singles that are getting into dating again, and includes a wide range of situations and locations etc. as well as a wide range of "new to dating" stages.

For example, if you become single on a ranch in Montana, you have a different situation to cope with then someone who becomes suddenly single in L.A.

There are some fundamentals though that will help both places. So you experienced daters just hang in there, you just may pick up some ideas you have been unaware of that may expand even your dating possibilities.

First of all lets just remind you that your dating capabilities and comfort zone is like a muscle that has atrophied from disuse.

Do not expect to bring it back to full capabilities over night, or to be able to handle dating big time right off without a lot of strain. This is why we suggest you ease in with pre dating, mini dating etc which we have written about before.

Next, do not expect to be very good at it or successful at first. We tell you, go out to just "practice" dating. You do not have to be a big success right now....you are just practicing. getting back (muscles) dating "condition".

Spring training getting ready for the main season.

When you are "just practicing" you do not have to be so selective, you can practice with a wide range of folks. You will pick up experience with each one and will gain some surprising "life expanding" experiences you would not have had if you just stuck to and repeated your old "comfort zone".

You dislike anything you are not familiar with and you are uncomfortable initially with people a little different then what you have been around for years.

All of these new people in your life and new experiences will be "uncomfortable" for a bit, and you will be stressed out, but each will expand your life and you will grow more as a person in the first six months after your divorce then you did in ten years of marriage.

Many think they are in or should be in, an all out search "to replace" their recently lost mate.

We tell you that you should be out developing a network of single friends and you will develop dating prospects along with and as a result of that and over time and dating many people, you will develop a big relationship that is "right" for you when you are ready......

Sort of like cream automatically rising to the top.

To have all this work for you, you have to get "dating" and meeting people to a point it is, as an automatic thing, that is like learning to play the piano, lots of work, practice, practice, initially, drudge no fun work....but after a while you get it on "automatic" and it then becomes fun.

When there, it just flows......and happens....

Nope, reading books on playing the piano, and /or dating, newsletters etc is not going to get you to the "automatic" fun stage.

Practice, practice, practice......and a little coaching by the piano teacher... correcting what you are doing wrong etc.

Many starting out expect to make beautiful music right off.....believe me it does not happen.

You are not going to be playing at Carnegie hall right off.

So where does the newly singled rancher in Montana or the teacher in L.A. start?

Remember, in both areas, your meeting and mixing dating (ability) muscle has atrophied.

You are going to need to set up a specified time and a specified amount of hours each week, like clock work that you are going to devote without fail, to "exercising" (practice) your meeting, mixing and dating skills.

This sort of learning and "comfort zone expansion" to get your relationship life to "flow" as an automatic (habit) thing, is called "spaced repetition."

This means you have to stick with it, week after week, to where you get your self to the point it actually becomes a part of you... It becomes something you are good at and it is something you do because it makes your life "work".

Next newsletter we will lay out some plans to get your relationship life on a flow situation (automatic) (fun) no matter where you live.

If you have friends that are still stressed out about sticking their little toe in the dating again water, send em a copy..... this might help.

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Proverb: Hear and you forget; see and you remember; do and you understand."

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Study up on http://datingagain101.com on what ever you need to know more about. Search any of our sites for articles on any subject with key words in the new "search our sites" section, top left column.

If you are not subscribed to this newsletter and would like to be, send a blank email to: dating_again-subscribe@topica.com

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Dating Again Newsletter #19, 6/29/03

Did you ever get involved in a relationship that you knew was over but you stayed in because you just couldn't get up the nerve to end it?

Probably because you were expecting a big hassle if you did?

Lots of people telling you how to get into relationships, but hardly anyone telling you how to end one.

Many avoid and are afraid for example, of getting into a committed or any kind of dating relationship because it is often a real pain to end one if the relationship does not work out.

This issue we are going to tell you a way that seems to work, that is called the sandwich that you can put in your tool kit for not only ending relationships with less hassle, but use it for all sorts of things in people to people (like your kids) where you need to set "limitations".

Go here to read more on "HOW to end a relationship......."

This normally works surprisingly well, (better than expected) and the person the subject of the sandwich is for, usually finds it hard to react badly when a relationship is ended using the "sandwich."

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You no longer need to stay in bad relationships, the sandwich is a useable tool, just like "refresh" on your computer works to "update".

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FELLOW AUTHOR-RESEARCHER WANTS TO INTERVIEW DIVORCED LADIES 40-55

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Connie Collins, a contributing editor for MORE Magazine, the sister publication to Ladies Home Journal, has written us about some "contacting" help since she is doing an article on "Healing from Divorce and celebrating a new life."

She needs to interview women who divorced AFTER turning 40 and are now between the ages of 40 and 55. She is NOT at all interested in details of the marriage or reasons for the divorce.

Article will be about what women do for themselves as they go forward in life. Some women she says buy a new pair of shoes, throw out all the sheets they slept on with their x-husband, others take trips, go to rock concerts, enter therapy, join a hiking club or go on Match.com.

There is no "right answer" to the question. One woman she notes, wrote a simple note to her husband thanking him for the gift of their 3 children.

Women must be willing to give their true age and supply a recent photograph.

Any help you can give Connie I am sure will be greatly appreciated. Any one interested can e-mail Connie at: Ccollins15@nyc.rr.com or call her @ 212-265-4383.

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ADVANCING RELATIONSHIP-KEEP IT BALANCED TO AVOID SUDDEN END ===============================

One of the most misunderstood problems of dating again is developing a sense of what is "balance" in moving a relationship along.

Men tend to go overboard in trying to advance a relationship fast, whereas women are more well now, I am not really interested but I am willing to explore getting to know you.

One of the most informative things I learned from Dr. Bach who wrote the book "Pairing", while doing some workshops we sponsored, he told me that his researchers in interviewing hundreds of people that were in good long term very successful and happy relationships was that 80% of these couples, when they had first met had no initial attraction at all.

This blew out of the water the idea that bells should ring when you first meet and you should both know on meeting, that this is the "big dating prospect" you have been looking for.

The bells ring thing on first meeting theory is a usually short term hotsy totsy thing and may have even worn off by the time they leave in the morning.

In other words that mutual solid attraction that we like to talk about usually builds over time as you gradually get to know each other.

The hazard here that keeps many from really getting a chance to know each other over time is that one or the other pushes moving closer at a rapid rate.

This person calls every day, sends flowers, does everything they can think of "to keep this one from getting away" and the very thing they are doing to make that happen actually drives them away.....

The other person thinks, well I was a little interested in getting to know them but they have the wrong idea here, I am not that interested, so they decide they must end it.

The relationship interest was unbalanced, you might call it, for want of a better explanation.

Let us use the see-saw down at the park as an explanation to understand a little on how this works.

If you are both out at your end, then the seesaw moves and you both participate, it works, and you can have a good time together. If one of you rapidly moves in toward the other, (the center of the seesaw) without the other one having time and moving in some too, then their end hits the ground with a bang, they suddenly get off and the see saw abruptly falls on your end and you get rather shook up.

The lesson learned here is that you can not move in without them also moving closer or the relationship becomes "unbalanced" and is in danger of being "ended".

If you make a move that advances the relationship, then you have to hold off and wait for them to move to advance their end of the relationship... if they do... you can then move in another step and wait again for them to to be ready to move in closer too so the relationship stays in "balance".

This can all take some time, one usually has to wait somewhat for the other to catch up and move closer.

This process seems to develop a close sound relationship by getting to know each other and "grow closer together".

Not saying here that some times bells ring and you both hear chimes right off at the first meeting. Just be aware, that is not the usual way big long term relationships have developed though it does happen.

Maybe you are one of these people I see stop by a singles event with 200 singles in attendance......... after being there 5 minutes, says, lets go Melvis, there is no one here.

You might want to consider giving up on finding someone that rings your chimes on first sight, and this process of hopping from here to there hoping and hoping to find that chime ringer.

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KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE YOU MEET AND DEVELOP AS FRIENDS WITH EMAIL AND IM. ================================

You can communicate with your single friends and keep in touch with little time involved and no expense.

Here is an article we mention in case you are not familiar with the fact asking for phone numbers is old hat....now you ask for their IM. go here

When you ask for a phone number, they have to consider is this someone that if I decide we have nothing in common is going to harrass me with phone calls?

So it is much easier to ask for and GET an IM since they know they can cancel you for good with one click.

When you see something helpful, interesting or fun, share it with your new singles family via email and IM.

Just knowing you are still thinking of them.... is important.

Caution: Many are irritated when you constanly enmasse to a whole bunch of people, send out mediocre run of the mill jokes etc.

Just pass along the real jewels and anything you come across that you know they are into and you are by doing this letting them know you care enough to know and remember what is of special interest to them.

Someone sent us this file and though not sure where this came from (we would like to give them credit) we were so impressed we pass it on to share with you.

Think about this....if you are worried about your children taking up smoking....maybe you are worried about the wrong family member.

Go to http://www.countrysingles.com/jokes.htm Right click on the "Right click here to download another reason not to smoke (1.8 meg. real video)" link. Choose "save target as." This will download an mpg file to your computer so you can view a Real Video file.

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THANKS FOR SENDING US SOME NICE FUZZIES. WE HAVE FELT STARVED TIL NOW.

Last issue we ran the Fuzzy story and suggested you practice becoming a more "giving" person and to practice this giving out fuzzies wherever you go, we suggested we were fuzzy needy and for practice, send us a fuzzy.

2% of the number of subscribers sent us a fuzzy, including some with suggestions on how we could do things better, which we appreciated especially.

In live classes, you get almost instant feedback, in online help here we hardly even know anyone is out there... so thanks for the fuzzys.

Always much appreciated by entire staff.

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Daughter Janet has a new article that may be of interest just posted on the Dating again web site, Six Dating Mistakes To Avoid....go here

We have recently added a search engine from Google that will search our individual singles web sites, see top left front page of http://datingagain101.com Google has on file about 80% of our articles on these sites.

Our divorce page on site uses a different search engine that searches 100% of that site and is updated monthly, right column bottom of page. http//:divorcerecovery101.co

If you are not subscribed to this newsletter and would like to be, send an email to dating_again-subscribe@topica.com

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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. Will Rogers

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This is supposed to be a newsletter that encourages you to get out and develop new relationships, a network of single friends, and a singles family....of people for support.

This newsletter we are going to cover a couple of subjects, one that some say I should not post because it is just too "depressing" for women who may already be "depressed". But I post it anyway, because I think it is something you should know in dealing with your new reality as a single person...

Hang in there guys, .....you are going to like this one.....

When you were last single you had some dating experience and what we are bringing to your attention here is that things now, in dating as a mature adult, are entirely different then when you were last single.

Do not expect to use the same tactics nor expect the same results as
last time.

Some figure that their dating life is all but over. Look at the first chart and you will see if you are 45 you have half your good dating life
ahead. go here... http://www.datingagain101.com/competition.html
This is a new article just posted.

Who ever you were interested in when dating as a young person, you had competition, others interested in the same person you had an interest in. You still have competition, but it has changed drastically since you were last single.

Now if you are a woman 75 there are about 4 or 5 women for every man still standing..... that does not happen overnight...it happens gradually along the way.....

If you go out and there seems to be little interest in you as a dating prospect, understand that there probably is not really anything "wrong with you" it is just that things have changed and it is more difficult to have the success you used to have and expected when you were a much "younger" person..

Just like when the job market is booming you can easily find a job anywhere....

In a depressed market you really have to change your expectations and demands. Also expect to try a lot of things you have never had to do before and really hang in there and LEARN how to find what you want in a tight market.

Expect to expend a lot of effort, read up on what works, and really get out there to have any hope of success.

You can still have and expect success but you just have to correct your expectations and demands to the current "market" and expend a lot more time and effort to expect to have hope of the kind of success you desire.
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Here is something that if you grasp the idea, and put into everyday practice, can change your life.

This is three pages we have just added to the web sites. We ran this in the divorce newsletter, but I consider it so important that singles that are in the "I am a guest in the world now, so do it for me" mode need to change it promptly. Until they do, they are not going to have the success and happiness we have been leading you to expect.

It used to be when I wrote a highly motivational article I hoped to change, maybe 80% of the people that read it for the better. Then I revised it to 10%, and now that I am older and wiser, I am realistically hoping for maybe 2 or 3 per cent.

I was always disappointed, until I got into changing my expectations and demands. In case you are interested, that step can change your life too.....here is an article I wrote on that....Revising your expectations and demands.
http://divorcerecovery101.com/happiness.html

In our courses we ask at the end of the course that they send comments, good or bad, the only thing we ask.....(no money no credit card etc._)

Out of every 250 that take the courses one sends the requested comments.


We ran this Fuzzy story, on making you a "giving" person as opposed to the usual newly singled "taking" mode and sent it with the divorce newsletter.

We asked that for practice that the divorce recovery newsletter readers send us a "fuzzy" so they could start live practice and get into the habit...

Well, out of every 100 who read "the fuzzy story" and that issue of the
newsletter we received 2 "practice" fuzzies for every 100 subscribers.

That turned out be twice the percentage that sent requested "comments" on the courses... so we "changed" 1% perhaps with the fuzzy story to at least "practice" being a "giving person."

Go for our warm and friendly Fuzzy story here and follow through with part two and three which are continued on at the bottom with click here... http://divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzy.htm

If you did not catch the bottom link....Then read how to give out warm and friendly fuzzies freely....and get in the habit.. go here
http://divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzies.htm

If you missed the bottom link to this part.....Then we have our starved for fuzzies...practice request.....go here
http://divorcerecovery101.com/fuzzies_wanted.htm

Somewhere I rewrote the fuzzy story and used giving out "delights" instead of the word fuzzies... When I find the article I will run the giving out "delights" story.

It was more understandable because every person you gave a "delight" to was "delighted."
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        Improve Your Emails With Expression Emoticons (emotional icons) are used to compensate for the inability in your romantic emails to convey voice inflections, facial expressions, and bodily gestures in written communication. Some emoticons are better known as "smileys." Emoticons can be very effective toward avoiding misinterpretation of the writer's intents. While there are no standard definitions for the following emoticons, we have supplied their most usual meanings. Most emoticons will look like a face (eyes, nose, and mouth) when rotated 90 degree clockwise.
:-)   Expresses happiness, sarcasm, or joke
:( or :-(   Expresses unhappiness
:] or :-]   Expresses jovial happiness
:[ or :-[   Expresses despondent unhappiness
:D or :-D Expresses jovial happiness
:I or :-I   Expresses indifference
:-/ or :-\   Indicates undecided, confused, or skeptical. 
:-Q Expresses confusion:
:-@ Expresses shock or screaming:
:-O   Indicates surprise, yelling or realization of an error ("uh oh!")
        
        OTHER MEANINGS
:) Happy person
:( Sad person
:-) Happy person with a nose
:-( Sad person with a nose
:--( Person who is sad because he or she has a large nose
:-D Person laughing
:- )) Very happy
:-|   Person unsure of which long-distance company to choose
;-)   Person so happy they are crying
: -Q Person who just had cybersex and is now enjoying a post-coital cybercigarette
:-{8 Person who is unhappy with the results of her
breast-enlargement surgery
%-) Confused
:-/   Skeptical.
d:-)   Smiley with baseball cap
:-P   Tongue sticking out:

and here is the one you need...
:-*    cyber kiss....or
:-X   blowing a big kiss
Just read that Smileys are no longer the "in" thing but I thought you might find them useful and/or fun.

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