Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003

In order to understand "Dating Again" we need to first define the word dating so we are talking about the same thing. The definition of dating as we see it is:

3. A method of assessing the value of a continued relationship. Sort of a getting-to know or checking-each-other-out time. Is this-someone I really want to get to know and do I have enough continued interest to want to spend more of my valuable time with them. Further evaluation and comparing. When you fall in love you have stopped comparing.

In Dating Again, we have the second word "Again" which the dictionary defines as meaning "once more." So when we are dating again we are sharing time once more with the opposite sex. No, dating is not instinctive. Even sex is not instinctive. (All of the higher animals including monkeys have to have some instruction to know how to do it.) The urge to date and be with the opposite sex is instinctive, (so is sex) but the "how to do it" or the process in both cases is learned. How good both are is in almost a direct ratio of what you have learned, or failed to learn, or diminished or even totally destroyed by faulty, inadequate or no longer appropriate learning.

DATING AGAIN SUCCESSFULLY IS ALMOST AS MUCH A PROCESS OF UNLEARNING AS IT IS A PROCESS OF LEARNING. Where did you get the programs you now have about dating and sex? 

First of all, a lot of it came from your parents. Your mother, for example, wanted to maintain your reputation of being a "nice lady." In order to do that, her children had to be kept away from sex by some method, because if they were involved in sex in those days, chances were they either became pregnant, or if you were a male "got somebody in trouble." Both of which ruined mother's reputation as a nice lady. To keep you from getting involved and ruining your parent's reputation, they told you for 20 years that sex was dirty, it was bad, only bad people did it, etc.

Then one day you got married and they said sex is okay now. You may have heard that "okay now" but you never really unlearned or forgot all of those thousands of "it's bad," and whether you realize it or not, you have been taking all of that old programming to bed with you for years. The older you are the more likely you are to have had a heavy dose of "sex is bad."

Dating is the same situation; you received a lot of your instruction and programming from your parents and teenage peers that you heard over and over and still carry about dating that may or may not have been appropriate for you even when you were a teenager. At the very least, it is not appropriate for this period of time and not workable for an adult. The information you received no longer fits and the experience you had as a 17-year-old is of no help either. Your adolescent experience is obsolete.

It is like you learned to ride a pony as a teenager and now you have to ride a motorcycle. There is a slight similarity, but also a whole lot of difference. How good or poor you were at pony riding really doesn't make a lot of difference. However, if you had a great time at pony riding, you may look forward to trying motorcycling, or if you had a difficult time during the pony riding you may absolutely dread and delay getting on with learning motorcycle riding this time around. So your past experience, even though it was 10, 20, or 30 years ago, still has some effect on your attitude about dating again.

As a result, your expectations for dating again are sometimes unrealistic. Some of the information you have been getting from other singles not exactly succeeding abundantly in dating again also gives you some distortion. Sort of the blind leading the blind. You need to obtain extensive information about dating again and consider what will work for you and what is right for you.

DEFINITE NEEDS YOU HAVE THAT ARE FULFILLED BY DATING AGAIN:

1. COMPANIONSHIP. Much of what you hear about that sounds nice.

It is like a little kid who doesn't insist anymore that mother with him close all the time but feels panicky when he doesn't know where she is. Just knowing that they are there and available for you is reassuring.. We call it anti-lonely to fully realize that you are a grown person now.

When you were a child you had mother nearby, always looking out and worrying about you; then you developed a lover who sort of looked out for you and worried about you. Your spouse took over this role and filled your babysitting job for years.

Now you are suddenly on your own and you get this panicky feeling... where's my babysitter? I need my babysitter.

2. THIS IS THAT OKAY FEELING, THAT STAMP OF APPROVAL, THAT SAYS YOU ARE SOMEBODY OF SIGNIFICANCE TO SOME OTHER PEOPLE. People who give you fuzzies or good feelings about yourself. Ego support in an indifferent world. Someone who says, "You're neat. I like you enough to want to spend time with you." You don't have to be wonderful to succeed in life, you just need some people who think you are. Someone to stamp you, USDA approved. To validate you, to give you that okay self-esteem. Eventually you get so you can trust your own evaluation.

3. SOMEONE TO SHARE, PLEASE AND HAVE FUN WITH. The beautiful sunset is really not much unless you have someone to share it with. Remember, pleasure shared is doubled; pain shared is halved. Fun is not much good unless you share it. Fun is an important part of gaining strength to cope with life's adversities. You need to redevelop this ability and find and develop friends who have this ability. Having fun builds strength. Gaining the ability to have fun is the ability to regain strength.

4. SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. This is often better than the happening. Looking forward to a promising date makes the wheels go around. With something to look forward to, you cannot be depressed for long. Depressed people have nothing to look forward to. Dating new and exciting people is definitely something to look forward to that stays in the forefront. It does great thing for what has been called sagging morale. Anticipation is an antidepressant.

5. SKIN HUNGER, your need to be touched. This is a very real need. Babies that don't get it usually die before the age of two. Without it you literally wither and die. Older people left alone are so often starved for touch that they go to the hairdresser, masseuse, the doctor, the chiropractor, anything to be touched. They and you have this need that did not stop because you became single.

Do not confuse this need with the need for sex. Some often get involved in sex not because their need for sex is great, but just because they have found no other way to fill the great need to be touched. Mature well-adjusted singles can get into touching relationships that do not involve sex. Newly unsophisticated singles are often unaware that touch and sex can be separated.

6. SOMEONE SPECIAL TO SHARE HOW THINGS REALLY ARE WITH YOU. Once again, joy shared is doubled, pain shared is halved. When you get an unexpected big fat check in the mail, for example, who do you call and say, "Whoopee, guess what happened to me today?" When something is really tearing you up, who do you share it with? Nobody? Then you are carrying a needlessly heavy load. You need to learn to share your inner feelings, how things really are with you.

We call this a security blanket friend aid it often is a dating relationship that you can do this with,. and they in turn can do it with you. The speed of how soon you get back into a life the second time around will be determined in a large part by how long it takes you to learn to share and express to someone significant and "get out" things that are bothering you.

Some people that get into dating relationships cannot do this. They think they should say only what they think you want to hear. It is important that the relationship be on a mutual disclosure level. Otherwise, it is like a seesaw and you unbalance it and the other person is up in the air. If you both move in at the same rate, fine. If you get ahead on disclosure of feeling or the ability to share feelings, you have to coach and encourage your partner to catch up, before you can proceed.

You can learn to be real, to tell it like it really is and you will find you get closer in a shorter time than any amount of. the old game playing, pretending what you think they want to hear.

Having someone you can share your fears and triumphs with will change your life. Try to have more than one person other than your biggest dating relationship that also fills this need, sometimes a member of your same sex. What you do with a relationship or friends of this type is create sort of a safe corridor where they can come and dump feelings, thoughts, hurts, secrets, etc., and they know it will be safe with you. You in turn get the same from them.

When you learn to tell it like it really is, then you develop relationships on a sound basis, not on some facade, where you have to worry about will they still like me when they find out about the real me. You both share the good and the bad. Your real inner selves. No one is perfect; be honest, share your imperfections, drop barriers. You will be amazed how close relationships become that way.

Many cannot now do this; it is a learned process to be able to do it. People that cannot do this are called phonies. They say I am so sure that I am no good that I have to pretend (little kid stuff) that things and me are different than they are. I wouldn't dare let them get to know the real me for I am the only me I've got and if they don't like me then I'm dead.

8. SEX - THE BIGGIE. If you run a survey of second-time-around singles asking if they are going to bed with other singles, the answer will be predominately, yes, I am. Ask another question, are you meeting your sexual needs adequately, and the answer is predominately, no, I am not.

As a married person, you were (we assume) meeting your sexual needs for several years. You cannot deny that you still have the need now that you are single. You need to be realistic. The need is still there. Some say, "I am turned off and I am going to stay turned off. " So how are you going to handle your needs? Withdraw, deny the need, experiment, or get married again when the need becomes unbearable. Sort of every time I really get in heat, I get married.

You are going to leave to deal with sexual needs in some way. Celibacy is one of your options. You need all of the information you can get on your options and what works for others and then you need to make a decision. How am I going to handle and what am I going to do about my sexual needs.

You need to adopt your programming to your decision; to some programming that you can be comfortable with. Again, a lot of unlearning of old programming:

WHEN YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OR ARE NOT GOOD AT DATING, YOU TEND TO:

1. Get into relationships that are not good for you sort of anything is better than nothing.

2. You stay in punishing relationships that are not good for you, sort of "bad breath is better than no breath at all."

3. You are in relationships that are far below the level of desirability that you could obtain if you were really good at dating again. You probably don't have to date turkeys.

4. You withdrew and hid from dating entirely for an extended period when the going gets a little rough.

S. You go bananas or overboard when things really start to work and you become fragmented. (You often withdraw from the scene again.)

6. You are under tension or uptight most of the time instead of being able to really enjoy dating. You fear the unknown (anxiety, you're scared to death). We haws never found a documented case of terminal rejection.

7. You have either a flood or drought situation with roller coaster ups and downs, emotional turmoil that takes its toll.

8. Your emotions get wounded and you are at others' mercy as far as your happiness is concerned. You turn control of your happiness to the world, fate or others when you don't know what you are doing in dating.

9. You wind up in bed at the wrong time, often for the wrong reasons and feel bad afterwards.

10. You are afraid (scared silly) of getting involved for fear of getting hurt, breaking off or unconsciously sabotaging a relationship when it gets close.

11. Not knowing how to develop relationships readily leaves you with little chance to experiment and find the real you.

12. You get involved in games and are either manipulating people or are yourself manipulated.

13. Your attitudes and old programming keep you from getting maximum joy and fulfillment from relationships.

14. You leave a lot of your needs unfulfilled.

15. You go back and repeat your old relationship mistakes and are constantly in a state of disappointment when your unrealistic expectations are not met.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO LEARN ABOUT BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS ON A MORE SOUND BASIS THE SECOND TIME AROUND?

Realize and admit your are a novice at dating again and that it is okay. In fact, it is an advantage because you can say "I am just new to dating and I'm not ready for that yet."

1. Gain a basic knowledge of skills. You have the desire to date again, or the intellectual decision that it is something you need to do, but you do not yet have the knowledge of ability to do it wisely or comfortably. To gain knowledge, read books, attend classes on relationships, workshops, seminars, etc.

2. Sort out and discard old programming that is outdated or immature for you:

A. You are no longer a virgin.

B. You can't act like a dumb 17-year-old.

C. Gain a new maturity (painful to grow up).

D. A stranger is not a hazard, they are a friend I haven't met yet.

3. Stick with the learning process all the way through for six months. Don't stop learning just because you found something that succeeded. Resist the temptation to stop learning, just because someone says, "Hey, you're nice. I would like to take you home with me."

4. Re-decide on your new programming what is more appropriate. Set goals on what you are going to accomplish. Visualize daily and see on the motion picture screen in your mind what you want to happen actually happening.

5. Experiment. Don't knock anything until you try it. Can I learn be comfortable with ... Find and enjoy the real you for the first time. Discover what your style is, your rhythm, etc.

6. NOTHING WORKS UNTIL YOU DO TAKE ACTION, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

A. Attend dating and relating workshops, participate in exercises.

B. Get as much time as possible in practice dating and relating with a lot of different people initially.

C. Set up a weekly dating plan.

E. Stick to it for a specified period.

F. Make a commitment to yourself, this is what I am doing.

G. Do it long enough and regularly enough that it becomes automatic. Once you have mastered bicycle riding, it's no longer a lot of work balancing and pedaling, it is just plain fun.